overwhelmed

Hi guys,

in have been feeling really overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, and in thought it might help to write it here and share it to see if other people feel the same, or have any ideas.

I actually had a couple of months of feeling stable. I was able to get on with work and feel its benefits - being able to give back has always helped me. But it’s also given me a lot of confidence and in that time in felt that the confidence that in felt was seeping into other areas of my life, and in felt in was really getting somewhere.

Then, at the end of November it was my mother’s birthday. This hit me hard, especially as in wasn't expecting it to. In felt so guilty about what in have put her and my dad through, and putting me first. And guilty that in as her daughter wasn’t celebrating her birthday. This is when the overwhelming feelings started and they took hold so quickly. I have always felt guilty about putting myself first, throughout the years in was in touch with my parents it was drilled into me that how the family appeared was most important, not how in felt. The programming once again has made me crumble. My mum expected a present from us, it wasn't something that you do to be nice it had to be done, and now in don’t in still feel so guilty that in don’t. This all sounds quite trivial and stupid, but when you put it into context with the way my family dynamics worked, and the control of my parents over me in hope you can get some kind of understanding why this has affected me so much.

My feelings of overwhelming once they started took on a life of their own. I started having very dark flashbacks of some things that happened to me by a group of men when I was a child. I don’t want to go into great detail about them, but would like to explain the impact that this has had on me. Flashbacks seem to be taking on a life of their own, and feel me with complete terror. It’s like they take over me, with every sense, visual, through smell to touch, being used to hurt me once again. I don’t seem to have any sense of grounding once they start and often they lead me to dissociate and that can lead onto self-harm. How do you get a sense of reality when every sense you have has been dragged back to when in was 6 years old??? Any ideas are gladly welcomed, as for me it overwhelms every ounce of my body. 

Christmas is also a bad time for me, and with it looming, the overwhelming sense of dread won’t leave me day and night. I know that Christmas is a bad time for a lot of people, and as an adult in always struggled with it. However back in holiday season of  2009/2010 in was on placed on section 3 on Christmas Eve, but had leave to go home Christmas day (and Boxing day and New Year’s Day) and that was the last time that my dad abused me. At the time in didn't know that this would be the last time, it was more circumstances that meant it was, but for me this has completely ruined the Christmas season. I have made sure that in am not on my own, and staying with a friend. I just feel sadness that Christmas will never be special again, and the anguish of what he did to me will always taint Christmas. 

I did manage to get some extra support last week from the Crisis team, but they discharged me on Monday, in believe because of my current diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) as it was mentioned if they kept me on in would feel rejected when they pulled out. This is just not true, and in feel that my needs weren’t kept in mind....hence I wanting my diagnosis changed! I am so lucky with my support network, in have a lot of friends, and some really close friends, as well as professional support, but the feeling of overwhelmed with so much negative emotions, and with a huge feeling that in am not entitled to ask for support in really don’t know how to get through the next few weeks. 

The picture is of Eastbourne Pier at night, one of the things that calms me. 

are behavioral therapies the be all and end all????

 Hey guys. 

I'm quite biased on this, mainly because I had Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for 8 years with no other therapy offered, but I can see their place. 

I personally have done both DBT (as I have mentioned) and STEPPS as well as some CBT, but I truly believe that they are not the answer on their own. Fair enough trying to get coping strategies in order to cope with issues and maladaptive coping (such as Self-harm) but what about dealing with the issues that lay behind all the behavior  Can changing how you deal with things through mindfulness or opposite to emotion actually mean that you can move on with your life without dealing with past issues. This is a personalized thoughts, and for some people this may work, but I feel that it doesn't deal with the real issues.

I do currently have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, hence being offered these therapies, and I do feel that they have helped a little, given me more choices when I need it. However I feel I need to deal with the root of my problems (the abuse) to be able to truly move on. For me nothing really changed until I started talking a little about this, rather than trying to change my thinking. I have found that by talking about stuff that really distresses me has started to change my core beliefs, well at least but a little bit of doubt on them. 

I will give an example. I believe that I am evil, and this is why what happened happened. Within therapy it was just challenging this, however because this belief is so entrenched I couldn't.  I didn't know the challenges and as I believed it with my whole body I just didn't know how to think differently. But, when I was seeing the psychologist at Lavender I began to understand where this came from (i.e. my abuser told me repeatedly that this is the reason that he did what he did) and then came up with challenges, the one that has really stuck with me is that people who are evil don’t worry about it (like I do). I still struggle with it, but things have shifted slightly so now I see the possibility of it not being true.

I am not saying that behavioral therapies don't work, because I would be wrong, I am sure there is a lot of research showing their validity. I just feel that there is too much emphasis on this, treating symptoms instead of their cause, and for some people, such as myself, this doesn't help. Of cause everyone is individual and maybe for some people it means that they can get on with their lives.

I think what I find so infuriating for myself is that the Government and CCGs put so much money into these, but nothing really into longer term therapy so I can deal with the abuse and what that has left me with. Today mental health is meant to be personalized to suit each individual, but how can they when they don’t fund things that could help some people.

Sorry...rant over!  

hidden disese of depression

Hi guys,

 

I know that it has been a long time since I have written on here, but my mental health had gone downhill, and my depression had taken over, I am on the road to feeling better now, but it’s been a really rough time.

 
Depression can be so hidden, I am trying to keep up with the things that I do, but inside I am crying out for help. I am really lucky that my CPN and the Crisis Team responded well and I had a few days away from my flat at the Sanctuary. I am really lucky to have a place like that as an option as for me I think going back into hospital, especially the one in Eastbourne, would send me way back in my recovery.

 
My mood has for such a long time been low and I have struggled with it a lot. I find things that many might find easy such as going into town, or actually even leaving my flat so hard. However this isolation that I can put on myself just means that I spiral downwards. For me, I have to force myself to do the opposite of what I want to do to keep myself going. A lesson I learnt in the 8 years that I did DBT, and when I did Behavioural Activation when I was living in Lavender. I don't agree that behavioural therapies hold all the answers, but they do allow people to learn ways that can help with the things that they can struggle with. I could go on but feel that giving it its own post is the only way to give it justice....

 
I think there were many reasons that my mood has dropped, from the closing of lavender being soon to seeing media around abuse especially in the Church of England. Both and many more triggering me in different ways, but all chipping away at my reserves to the point I became quite suicidal.

 
Lavender Lodge is going to be closing soon, and while I am no longer under their care this is having a huge impact on me for two main reasons one I spend a lot of weekends going there to see the girls. But mainly it’s significant so much because of its place within me, being the only place that I have ever felt safe, and I was able to talk about the main thing that has been making me ill the abuse that I suffered for years. It’s so sad that money has to come in the way of a service like this, a place that someone who has tried community services, but is still in a chaotic lifestyle, as I was when I arrived there back in 2010.

 
This kinda follows on, but I think that one big thing for me that means that I am struggling so much, and have been for quite some time now is because I don't feel safe in my own home. I have explained this in previous posts, so I won’t go into major detail about this. I feel that this is always chipping away at me. Also, it increases the risk of my dissociation (something that is very risky for me).

 
Since the revelations in the media about Jimmy Saville and many other high profile paedophiles’, many adult survivors have found it difficult to see as it brings back to their own abuse that they suffered. I am glad that this is more talked about, and is a lot more open, as it allows more people to be honest about their childhood and hopefully allowing people who are still being abused to ask for help to get it stopped. Things have definitely changed since the 1980s...another future post.

 
I feel I have been quite self-indulgent in this post, but what I wanted to get across is someone who is suffering from depression can have a lot going on that is bringing their mood down. They are not being self-indulgent in terms of "wallowing" but have a real problem that does need help. Depression is hidden away, it’s not like a broken leg where you can see a cast, and sometimes people, such as myself, will try and put on a "normal" face (whatever normal is), but inside I was dying. I am lucky to have great people around me that support me, and I them.

trauma and what its left me with

hey guys, going to put a trigger warning on this as it will talk about abuse/self harm/memories etc.

how do you explain to someone that although you are standing in the middle of town you are in fact being squashed by him and can feel him breathing and what he doing to you? this is a problem that I think a lot of survivors have experienced, that the body remembers. It remembers all the hurt, both physically and mentally, and I personally don't seem to have any control over when this happens and it is an extremely stressful and frightening experience. People will tell me that its not happening now, that he's not there that it was the past. but for me it is now, I am reliving every signal breath that I felt from him on top of me, crushing me.

The body does remember, as does the mind and every single sense that you have. and it is completely frightening. suddenly you can smell something that takes you straight back to the time of the trauma...and that isn't exclusively to survivors' of abuse, but any major trauma. I have also been in a fire 6 years go now, and I remember very little of it, but recently I have been smelling of burning, burning hair mainly, which is what happened. whatever the trauma it is still incredibly scary.

I was systematically abused from the age of 5 right until I was an adult in my late 20s, and my way to cope with it at the time was to learn to dissociate from the hurt that was being done to me. it doesn't mean that it didn't mess me up any less, but I coped and I survived. different people have different experiences of dissociation and even I have a couple. one of which is I am watching myself, but from a 3rd party, and the other one is just to completely loose time. for me personally this is dangerous as I don't know what I have done, and have found out when I have "come round", I can have been out and realised I have no idea where I have come from or know how I have got there, or have self harmed or a number of other scenarios. have you ever driven home and suddenly realised your there? its a bit like that but on a much bigger scale.

The dissociation started out  (when the abuse was happening) it was a useful coping strategy it got me through and somehow I am still alive today. it allowed me to completely get away from what was happening to me, at some points on a daily basis, but not to forget this is where the body memories' come in for me. Your body is amazing, and it does these things for a reason, I truly believe for me I have to begin to deal with what actually happened and the emotional side to it to.

I don't know what love is! it is such a foreign idea to me. I avoid my all emotions as much as I can, I rarely show anger, and if I do its on doors etc. rather than other people. I am scared that when I dissociate that this is when it comes out. its all around control, I have to feel in control because for so much of my life I have been out of control, I haven't been able to control my body as it has been damaged so much (mainly mentally). this is why the dissociation scares me so much cause I am not in control of it. the imprint of the abuse means that I still don't know all the triggers that lead me to either dissociate or have flashbacks. its something that is going to take a long time to realise things that make me loose control.

I have this anagram about trauma and how you respond: the trauma is an earthquake, which shakes your foundations, and over time there are aftershocks, often a lot (flashbacks/reliving it), but these become less and less over time, and eventually the ground stabilizes enough that you can start rebuilding (your life).

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=rebuilding+your+life+after+abuse&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=U-sTUsyKI8ru0gW5_4DACw&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=768#fp=347271752bf85449&q=hurt&tbm=isch&facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=iZowUCbuJiS4AM%3A%3BYwRhu_WO77oZiM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Ftrulylovable.com%252Fmedia%252F531-have-you-ever-been-hurt.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Ftrulylovable.com%252Fget%252Fromantic-wallpapers%252Fbroken-hearts-wallpapers%252Fhave-you-ever-been-hurt.htm%3B1024%3B768

why i hurt myself

hey guys,

I thought that I would write a post around why I do certain behaviours, that many see as maladaptive or weird. This has come about as because the weather has been hot and I have dared to go out in a t-shirt, and people do stare. my arms in particular a mess from years and years of self harm through cutting. but people don't get it.

The first time I ever cut myself I was 12. by this point I was already deeply disturbed teenager, I had been being abused by my dad for the past 7 years and it was still going on. we had also moved again, and I started high school in the middle (Jan) of the first year, and was being systematically bullied. I wanted out, or at least that's how it felt at the time, looking back now I think I wanted someone to help. I tried cutting my wrists, and although they were only little scratches they gave me such a relief, a calmness I hadn't had in a very long time came over me.

over the next 6 years I was self harming irregularly, to get through school and home, always somewhere no one would see (usually my ankles) I didn't want the attention. I just wanted to cope till I could go to uni.

it wasn't until I just turned 18 and was put on seroxat as my eating had gotten really bad that the self harm escalated to daily, and then a couple of years later I was regularly in A&E.

One thing I want to get across that this isn't a "teenage craze" it takes some kind of need to hurt yourself.

for me its a lot of the time harm minimisation. I still have a lot of thought to take overdoses and other more risky things, and self harm helps me reduce the need. it never goes away. I mean I have only OD once in the last 18 months (a huge deal for me) but at the moment I am finding I am particularly struggling with it.

I'll try an explain it another way. I have two parts of me, one that wants to live and keep fighting to get at him but another who finds everything so scary that she thinks the only way out is to die. these two argue, but often agree to cut before thinking about taking tablets, and 9 times out of 10 this works.  its just like the angel and devil on your shoulders.

Simply I cut to stay alive. many people would find this concept weird. but to me its my life.

I am slightly abnormal within people who self harm as I am now 31, many people apparently "grow out of it" by the time that they are 25, well they find another coping mechanism that works for them. I have had years and years of behavioural therapy, but at the moment I find cutting is the best way to keep going. I'm not saying I never want to stop because I do.

I am not say thing that I am the same as I was when I was 18, a hell of a lot has gone on since then, and in the couple of years.

Cutting for me is a coping mechanism, I feel that I am evil, and this is a way to punish me, its a way to hurt myself in a way I am in control - which I feel completely out of control with, because of the sexual abuse that I suffered.

I like to think that my scars are a map of my survival, its not been easy, is been friggin hard, but I am fighting still and its helped me in this position now.

Why cant I feel safe?

I have been going through a really rough period recently, but I know have the Crisis team support.

Why can't I feel safe? I suppose how would anyone after 25 years of being told that I could never run and never hide from *him*? every day when he came to me it was always the same "you can't run and never can you hide" however now I am in my own flat I find this so so hard. this is the first time I have lived on my own since I have no contact, this is the first time on my own that I Should feel safe, but I just don't. Practically we have done everything that we can, I have lifeline, I have an intercom to let people in, I can ring the police. yet I still just don't feel safe. I think I am not on my own feeling this way, and I guess it will just take time.

However it is having a huge impact on my mental health, as I am constantly in high alert and hyper vigilant and that is going to have a toll. It really affects me sleep, I am so scared that allowing myself to feel safe enough to sleep doesn't happen, and then when I do I get either "flashback" nightmares, or currently ones where everyone leaves me, and my parents get what they want. but the massive sleep deprevation affects my mood and so on.

My mood is particularly low at the moment, and that just makes me feel less safe. so its a never ending battle,

I mentioned in a previous post about Programming, and this "grooming" I suppose, is the worst one I feel. I am so scared to go anywhere just in case I see them. A few months ago I saw my dad in the local hospital going to do his job (he is a vicar so visiting his parishioners who are sick) and so now cant go to the hospital on my own. I love where I live, I love being so close to the sea, and I am determined not to let them ruin it. I try to tell myself that I have every right to be here - just sometimes it doesn't work.

Why do I let them still control me this much, to the point that sometimes I want to die, as I know that I will never be safe, so its better if I am dead?

some of the crisis team don't seem to have got it, as they continue to go through all the practical stuff, but it doesn't make any difference. if he wants he can I am sure of that. I wish that I could get the two things done (get my stuff back and replace my mum as nearest relative) then at least I would never ever have to have contact with them.

how do you live a life of not being safe or feeling safe? at this moment I do not know.

picture is taken by me of Eastbourne Pier, my favourite peaceful place is the beach xxx

alone and evil

For some people find that being alone is good an helps them recuperate, I am part of the other type of people that being on my own means that I am constantly thinking too much, ruminating and which leads to flashbacks and even dissociation. -  How can someone feel so alone, yet they are surrounded by people? This is how I feel a lot, I can be in the middle of town, but feel like I am not real, a ghost walking though. seeing families or friends having fun and sharing experiences makes you feel so so alone. This isn't saying I haven't got any friends, because I have, really good ones who I love to bits, but there are times, like at the moment when I want to hide away, and isolate.

My abuser spent a lot of time making sure that I know that I am bad, evil and am on this earth to be punished. when a child is repeated told something from an early age they are going to believe I, and I do. Its so hard for other people to understand, and I am sure that I frustrate everyone at times. Even though he is physically not in contact with me anymore, and neither is my mum (who was just as bad emotionally) I constantly hear them telling me how I am a really bad evil b**ch. its so hard for me to hear and believe when people tell me its not true, as that's what the relationship with my primary caregivers in my childhood and beyond - when I was young what they said to me was the gospel that I have based my whole life on, and changing this seems so scary as what is my life if its all been a lie?

I feel the need to isolate so that I don't pass on the evilness or hurt people. this I have been told is a mutually exclusive, as if I am evil why would I be so worried about it. that just makes everything even more complicated as it does make sense, rationally, but emotionally? I just don't seem to be able to take it on board. in me there is a huge difference between what I know intellectually (or if it was happening to someone else) but to me emotionally I just don't get it. and I don't know how to make that jump to link the two? anyone got any ideas?

The other problem is when you are physically alone, and all you crave is physical contact with someone. since I have moved into my flat nearly 6 months ago this is something that I have had on more than one occasion, and it is strange to me, but I haven't lived on my own for over 3 years, and always had someone about before. needing that hug and being told that everything will be ok, but all you have is a stuffed toy? I hate putting myself on people, (part of the reason I think is my huge fear of rejection especially when I am distressed, as that is how I was brought up and it hurts!)  and so never ask, but that just leads me to feel even more alone. I find this so difficult as I have no contact with family as so don't have this option. I think in this area technology is fantastic, no longer do you physically need to be with people to feel not alone, sitting on Skype for instance, helps enormously. The "virtual" company over the Internet, and it being world wide means there is the possibility of someone being awake somewhere!

this post has been so hard to write, its doing the exact opposite of what my head and the voices are telling me to do, I'm reaching out, in the hope that someone understands, and that maybe some other people who are feeling like I am don't feel so alone.

On the Emotional side (of my Childhood) trigger - abuse.

One thing that seems to be missed a lot is emotional abuse, by parents, partners, friends, colleagues etc. I think part of the reason for this is there are no bruises, no physical signs of what has happened, but the effect can be just as damaging as any other form of abuse.  Well when I say no physical signs, this can be one of the causes that people to start self harming, or develop an eating disorder.

Bullying is one thing that is emotional abuse. whilst bullying can be physical and while there are various statistics on how much of bullying is physical, the name calling, the ganging up on, even the pretending that the victim doesn't exist has its toll too. I was bullied all the way through school, and although there was a lot of other stuff  going on at home, all the bullying made things worse, and kids are cruel. all I needed was someone to ask why and maybe things could be better.

I have explained in previous posts about the sexual abuse that I suffered as a child, and into adulthood, but not only that I was emotional abused by both my parents, and while I could deal with to some degree (by dissociating) the sexual abuse, the emotional abuse I just couldn't get away from, as it went on all day every day.

According to the university of Illinois counselling centre website (http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168) there are three main types of emotional abuse Aggressing, Denying and Minimizing, and having read about each it seems that all three would happen.

There were so many different parts to the abuse that I am left with not really knowing who I am. About the only time that I felt that I was away from there control was when I left for university at 18, but not long after I graduated the control, minimizing, ignoring came back with vengeance.

My mum would say that the controlling was to support me and help me stay safe. when in reality is was making me more and more unsafe as I felt so trapped. One of the examples of my mums controlling can be seen when I decided before I started uni to change what degree I was applying for from English and History, to History and Sociology. I had changed it for good reason, especially as I had failed my English Lit A level Mock, and felt that I wouldn't get into my first choice university (Bangor). I also at even that point wanted to go into nursing and after seeking advice from the carers advisor at school I decided sociology was a good choice. when my mum found out she went completely mad at me, as if it was her working for the degree for the following three years rather than me, even when I explained why! or the fact that they put parental control on my computer when I was 26 so couldn't go on amazon (when there are a million of shopping sites out there), it wasn't so much the banning of amazon, it was the I've got control over you that got to me.

This is just a couple example in a huge list of them.

I was the scapegoat in everything, it was all my fault, and I would always get the blame, they were the perfect parents, and it was completely unreasonable for me to get angry with them, and if I did end up in an argument with them and walk away to calm me down that was wrong.

For a long time they denyed that there was anything wrong with me, which I think was there denial. after they finally acknoweleged that I struggled but to the rest of the world they denyed that anything was amiss with me. there (well mums really) was so obsessed of how the family was seen by everyone else, that became more important than me and me getting support.

Sorry this all sounds like moaning, and if it was just occasional in a way it would be just be like most family relations, but as this was all the time, and I can only remember 1 time when they actually praised me (when I got my degree results), the rest of the time I was put down, blaimed, controlled.

After I had moved home for 6 months for the second time, I was getting more and more aware of how my parents were treating me was affecting me, and it was making me extremely angry as ust felt trapped. but when I tried explaining it they would put it all back on me and my diagnosis rather than taking resposability themselves.

growing up in this environment, plus with the other abuse that was going on, has had a huge impact on me, I have a huge need to be able to control my environment and has a lot to do with my eating issues, the need to self harm to deal with emotions probably is partly as I was never allowed to show negative emotions and so didn't learn to deal with them, and so on.

While this post has had a lot of explaining what happened to me, what I want to get across is that this does mess up lives, it does affect people and can make them ill!

religion, family and me.

hi guys. I have wanted to write this post ever since the subject came up at the survivors group that I go to. I also want to say that I completely feel that everyone should be allowed to believe what they want, and it isn't my intention to reject formal religions for everyone, this is just my view because of my circumstances.

As I have said in past posts that my abuser was not only my dad, but also a vicar, and so I was brought up going to church every week, attending all the events etc, but also if I was out with my dad he would have his dog collar on and people would come up to him because of that. there was a different persona in him, a huge Jackal and Hyde, The people of the church saw him as a good man, someone who was always there to help, and to some extent he was like that at home, but then there was the "cleansing me of my evilness" through the sexual abuse he forced on me for over 20 years. Also, he wasn't the only one who abused me, this isn't something that I have been able to talk about, and its still "hazy" although I have always known it happened. All this of cause has had a huge impact on the way I see formal religion, especially Christianity.

In general I avoid religion of any kind like the plague, it is a huge trigger for me. And I am sure that I am not the only one. it is a huge leap to trying to believe that God is good and loves us, to the pain and suffering that is happening in our lives. When I see certain religions on the street (or at the door) I just want to hide, they seem to think (well the ones I have come across) that they can "cure" me by me just joining in with them and believing me. how can I even entertain this idea when in a way its religion (well his religion) that has got me into the position that I am in. One thing I am certain of is that I don't think that people should impose religion on other people, its a persons right to believe what they like, its one of the basis of the western modern democratic world!

I am not saying that age 5 when it started I immediately turned my back on religion. it was in the house I lived in, more than most I guess because of his job, but I found it difficult even then to make sense of it all. even at 25 I was searching for some kind of family (as mine is one massive dysfunctional one) and church can be one. but I cant say I ever believed wholeheartedly (or really a little bit). I always questioned it, and I never had that trust that you need to have in order to believe in something that you cant see, cant feel. All I ever did was just try to be quiet and join in.

there are certain parts of religion that I find the hardest, and that's around language. I cant love and trust in my own father, so when they call God Father, it feels me with fear, as to me Fathers aren't loving, fathers are pain. Also parts of the church service filled me with complete fear, In the church of England it is common place to share the Peace, going round shaking peoples hands or even hugging, it didn't feel at all safe with me.

When I was out with my dad, people in crisis used to come up to him and ask for help (and not always asking for money), and he would be there like a vicar should. i used to hate it, partly as when i was a teenager I was embarrassed, but also I was clearly often in crisis but he caused it, and to him it was my fault.

I know that in Christianity, God gave man free will, and that this can explain that it isn't "God" plan for him to do this, but its very hard for me to believe this, as one of the things that was repeatedly said to me during it that "God wants me to be good, and not of Evil, and God has told him to do this to make me better".

How can a man of the cloth damage their own daughter so much that I have been in and out of psychiatric hospital for the last 10 years as well hundreds of visits (I have lost count) A&E after hurting myself ? to me this shouldn't marry up to one person. I know that there is good and bad in everyone, but in him this was extreme!!

I don't think that I will ever feel safe with formal religion, it has damaged me too much, but now find my peace in nature around me. one of my favourite things to do at night is go for a walk along the seafront near me, its so calm with the sound of the sea and the lights flickering on the water. There can be something so calming about it.

Picture of Eastbourne Pier.

dates.

Dates are just dates right?
no, special dates within our lives become get ingrained in our brains, everyone's, whether its peoples birthdays, anniversaries, fathers day and so on. but sometimes it not the best thing, and as much as you want to forget the date, its just doesn't happen.

This time of year there are a lot of birthdays (and of cause fathers day) in my family, including mine. as I don't have contact with my family I find these dates hard to deal with.

Society puts connotations' on how we are meant to react to these dates, presents cards etc, but when it hurts so much because they are a reminder of bad memories, you have the added guilt of not falling into societies norms.

I personally find society "holidays" the hardest, and so I am finding the upcoming Father's Day is a trigger for all kind of emotions, and there is no way to avoid this as every shop and every other advert on TV is to remind everyone of this day that they have to celebrate how fantastic their dad is. I feel hurt and anger in the way that they "looked" after me for 28 years, that they just used me to their own good. I don't feel anger much, but seeing all the "best dad in the world" mugs and other ideas for people to get their dads and I just wish I could smash them. why cant they also bring out "worst dad in the world".

I think that part of the reason that I find this time of year so difficult is because my abuse started after my 5th birthday party, and now forever my birthday is associated with physical and mental pain that I endured for so long. why did they have to  make something that is meant to be my day to be such a trigger. I think the emotion that's involved in this for me is making it so hard for me to write this blog. How can anyone think that the best present for a 5 year old is to say "cause your such a big girl now you can do big girl things" and begin the sexual abuse that has blighted my life?

Maybe I am just overreacting? maybe it is easy not to react to special dates, I just haven't found out how to do this. Dates where always so important in my family, and not just the dates but the whole celebration and monetary value of these, you had to get cards and presents, even if you personally didn't have the money. I remember when I was at uni, and as a student had no money, and my mum shouted down the phone at me on mothers day because I hadn't sent anything, even though I took the time to ring her. I personally don't see why anything should be expected, but this means that I feel guilty as each of the dates go past, its ingrained into me through force that that's how you should react. I can guess that my families reaction isn't the reaction of most (or at least I hope so).

I am extremely lucky that I have a special group of friends that are helping me make new memories for my birthday. that I can make it my day again one year soon.

programming

I know that many people who have experienced trauma, including abuse, guilt is a huge issue that's hard to get over - and I am no different, years of programming not only is hard to break from but leaves you with an immense feeling of guilt that you just don't know how to deal with.

My parents instilled into me that the way that the family was seen by everyone is the most important thing of all, that they had to be seen as perfect, and we were the perfect family. I remember being told so often to "look Happy" as otherwise it looks bad on them. Well over the last two years I have completely managed to smash that view, just by being honest. however I can still here their voices in my head, telling me that I am bad and naughty for ruining their so called "family", if people know what is going on  then no one is going to see them as perfect or even good parents, and I know that this is my fault. Many people around me try and remind me that what I have done over the last few years was important for my own mental health, and I haven't done anything wrong. however its hard to hear this, no not hard to hear but almost impossible to believe at the moment. I know that I have blown apart everything to do with my family, and although I do agree that I have had to do this to be able to have a life, I still have this huge, massive, feeling of guilt.

Years of programming from anyone is so hard to break, years of being told that I come last, that they are "holier than thou" and me (and my brother) job was to make sure that everyone believed that, is not only a huge pressure for both of us when we were at home. Our feelings were denied. somehow a vicars daughter cant be depressed, or anything apart from happy, on top of everything, and sailing through life. something that anyone would have a difficult time living up to, let alone with the sexual and emotional abuse I was being subjected to day after day, year after year. in a way this all added to the abuse, emotionally I was always told that I am a failure for the family, the black sheep, but of cause all that has to be hidden from the general public.

My parents fear of how anyone perceived them meant that I didn't really get any help with anything until I went to uni, apart from the 6 months of completely useless family therapy, there was no way that I could be allowed to see anyone...after all how would they perceive them??? And family therapy is pretty useless when I am too scared to say anything against them, because of the consequences....honesty? whats that?

All this has come to ahead with me as I have recently found that people are asking questions, extremely publicly, around why they aren't working, and haven't for so long. This splits me completely. part of me just hopes that somehow people will get it, that's not all as it seems, that they will get their comeuppance. but then there is a huge part of me feeling guilty for the pressure that put my parents under, that people aren't worshipping them as all good and wonderful, and that is my fault, my fault for being honest (and honesty isn't allowed!).  its pulling me apart, how I have pulled everything apart for me (and that's just no acceptable), but I want a life, I want to be able to be me.

depression

It feels like its been a while since I posted on here, I have been really struggling with my mood, and finding anything so difficult.

That's one thing about depression, it makes anything seem like a mountain to climb, from getting out of bed, to getting dressed, to continue doing the things you've agreed to do. nothing is simple for me when I feel like this. But I know that if I give into it, if I hide away all day every day like I want to it will make things worse, I can see that at the moment, and this gives me the chance to try and pull myself up before my mood drops even further. its not "pulling myself together" its putting every last bit of energy to carry on.

My work doing service user involvement is often the one thing that gets me out of bed, knowing that something I can do to help a number of people, that's all I have ever wanted to do is help others. I'm so lucky to have this, have something that I don't want to let people down so force myself to do the things I have to do so I can attend the events that I'm due at. not everyone has this, and I know from friends, and from my past that without having something your passionate about and something to motivate you its so hard to pick yourself up.

Friends are so important to your mental health full stop. they can see things in a completely different way to the way that you see them yourself. (although I am still convinced on my own view of me!), having friends around that understand, but also know when to kick you into doing something and when to just sit and let you cry (apparently crying is good...I personally am not so sure).

This time the low mood has lasted so long, and quite a lot of the time I feel like giving up fighting everything. but after years and years of behavioural therapy its got somewhere in my brain that that is the worse thing that I can do, and so I try. there are so many days where I wake up and all I want to do is turn over and pretend the world doesn't exist, and there are days when I do (far too frequently at the moment).

At the moment its not easy to carry on. I'm not sleeping well, not eating well, having disturbing thoughts. it feels like I am walking through treacle in every breath, and that your a ghost that no one else can see. but still I try and do everything I can.

Depression is an illness, it affects your brain chemistry. but if you broke a leg, to make it better afterwards you would have physio and do exercises, same with depression, its hard but by keeping active in whatever way can help, when you can, can help you bring your mood up. its the more you do the more you can do next time, a slow process but one that has to be worth it, I hope so. and lets hope that I can put my words into practice and bounce back somehow :/

a shock in A&E

I haven't written much in the last couple of weeks, as I have been both mentally and physically unwell. both of these means that I have been in my local A&E department twice in the last couple of weeks, and had a complete shock in the way I was treated, in a good way!!!

trigger - talks of ODs and physical exams.


a couple of weekends ago, everything was getting too much and the images, flashback and body memories were completely taking over, especially after my dad being allowed to get away with it again. I got to the point where the only thing I felt I could do was take an overdose...this was of cause all subconscious thinking, and I was dissociating when I actually started to take tablets. this wasn't ever a suicide attempt, my mind and body were trying to stop the huge amount of pain that I was in. what I took, how much etc isn't really of any value, its the fact I realised what I had done, and made my own way to A&E. This is the first OD I have taken in 17 months, and I very rarely go to A&E when I need stitches etc, in the last year I worked out that I had been in the department 4 times, the last one because I had been the night before and they didn't treat the injury properly and I had to go back to get it sorted. I suppose I should put this in context. until around 2 years ago I was in the hospital regularly either needing stitches or having taken tablets. in the 6 months that I was at the local psychiatric unit under section I ended up in A&E a hell of a lot more than the last year. however the staff in A&E remember me, however much I tried to blend into the background before. I was absolutely terrified on my way up, all the usual things going through my mind, how am I going to be treated? are they going to think I am "attention seeking?" etc. I was already extremely agitated because of my state of mind, and these fears were making things a hell of a lot worse.
When I arrived in A&E it was weird, I felt like I was in a parallel universe, no one was short with me, no one treated me like I was wasting everyone's time, I was treated as if I was human! all of this was so hard to get my head around, but a very nice surprise. I think that the staff realised I was/am really trying to get better, and I was really struggling and this is why I was in the situation that I was. they took time to talk to me, and I explained that in the previous two weeks that I had heard that HE had avoided being arrested again because of lack of evidence. people got it, and that I had tried everything before giving into the OD urges that had (and still are) plaguing me.

fast forward 8 days. I haven't been able to go for a wee for well over 24 hours, my tummy is so distended it really hurts and is making me feel very sick, I ring NHS Direct, who straight away tell me to go to A&E. all my usual fears are back, especially as I had been in the weekend before. I have been there before with physical illness/injuries, and it had always took a hell of a lot of persuading that I hadn't done anything to make me fall down the stairs be so sick that cant keep a thing down. I've booked in and am sitting in the waiting room, absolutely terrified.  the triage nurse comes out an calls someone else's name, then she looks at me, and asks me if I am OK?. I explain the situation and she said she would see me next (rather than being left to last), within 20 mins I had a cubicle.
Everyone, from the nurses to doctors, tried to find out what was going on. it did involve some very personal investigations, which they explained why, and did try and get a female to do both (just for the internal there wasn't a female doctor available for a few hours, and at that point I was hopefully going home, and they did bring a nurse in to try and help me not freak out completely and utterly). in the end I was kept in overnight (as had over 2 litres in me when they first catheterised me). Even on the ward they were absolutely lovely, explained everything to me, and helped as much as they could.

the pity is that for me this was unusual event. that I was waiting to be treated badly because I have a mental health diagnosis, and was defintily a few years ago a "frequent flier" in A&E. I just wish that A&E departments across the country (and proabably the world) cant treat people who have history of hurting themselves like this all the time. I know that many will be frustrated that they cant help, and a few will just see us as time wasters, but we're human too, we have feelings, words still hurt. I guess everyone needs to remember that there is often a lot of pain behind these acts, and we're just trying to cope!

fighting for justice,

hi guys,

this week I am writing around the need to feel like you can get justice for all the hurt that you have had to suffer. for me its like trying to get control back from my abuser, be able to think that they should suffer for the years and years of abuse they have put me through. it all makes sense, but I don't think in reality it works that way, even if you manage to get them punished. that's something I haven't managed.

 I had a phone call a week last Monday to say that the second investigation that my abuser was going through because of me wasn't going any further because of lack of evidence (its historical etc so much harder to get forensic evidence and the nature of the abuse other people wouldn't be able to corroborate my story),

trying to get justice in the legal system is notoriously difficult because the burden of guilt is so high. I, like so many other people, were unable to report it until I felt safe enough, but this means that the amount of evidence that the police can gather is reduced, a lot! I decided to go through with this second investigation as in the year between the two so much had happened within society after the reporting of Jimmy Saville and various other high profile paedophiles, I was hoping that because of this, people were more likely to understand that my mental health issues are a result of what's happened to me rather than my "issues" being used against me. it is so well documented how childhood abuse, especially sexual, has a massive impact on someone's mental health right into and through adulthood, and yet my abuser used that fact I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as a reason that HE was innocent....when it actually means (in my case) the complete  opposite is true.

the news of the investigation failing,  has set me back so much (and wasn't doing too well before that. to me feels like that he has gotten away with it again, that because of various reasons I couldn't tell anyone at the time I am the one punished, I'm the one who relives what has happened over a 20+ period every single day. I am the one who is too scared to let mused sleep as much as I need because of the terrifying nightmares that haunt me night after night, I'm the one who struggles to cope and unable to work because of the legacy of the abuse..

I am extremely lucky as I have a group of fantastically supportive friends and professionals involved, and they remind me that the investigation didn't end because I wasn't believed, something I struggle with as I was told repeatedly throughout the abuse that no one would believe me because of his position within society, that no one would think the caring vicar who inflict so much pain on his daughter. I hear his voice even now telling me that, and its taking a hell of a long time to believe that people actually trust what I am saying, realise that my issues arise from my upbringing,

Although I haven't got justice through the courts, I am hoping that I have still saved people going through what I have gone through, and put the fear of being caught into him that he manages to restrain from hurting anyone else. if I have managed that then he stress of the investigation, and how much I am struggling right now is worth it.

a life trying to find control. trigger abuse sh/ed etc

hey guys.

I've been wanting to write this blog for a little bit, but something has stopped me, I'm not sure what, but here we go anyway.

for years my control of my body has been taken away as I said in my previous blog. its like the one thing that you should be able to control is not yours and your left with trying desperately find something to control. I think that some people find this hard to understand, how out of control the world feels even though you may make small choices such as what toothpaste to use.

its felt like my whole life all I have ever wanted is to feel in control of my life, of my body. but when you cant control and stop after years and years of being violated your own body the search to feel that control is so strong. after all its human nature that you feel in some way of control. and for me, as with many survivors' you end up trying to take control in ways that are harmful and destructive, but you get some kind of relief from having that control.

my body is scarred completely from self injury, one of the ways in which not only did I learn to cope with what was going on but it makes me feel I have control over MY body, I cut into the skin and have left permanent markers that in a way is to push anyone who comes close away. this is very difficult for anyone who has never self injured to get their head around. although my body doesn't feel mine, I'm the one who has scarred it to the point that its even more ugly, its my control to keep people away, keep anyone for even wanting to hurt me again. even as I write this I know in reality that it wouldn't stop anyone, but each scar across my body is my map of survival, my map of keeping control. one day I will do another blog into this in more detail.

since I was young, I've had a difficult issues around food. for the years that he had control of what he did to me, I have had control over what has entered my body (or what I have forced out of my body by making myself sick or taking x number of laxatives a day). food is my control, and this is  the one I keep going back to, at any point of feeling that control is slipping away from me, food becomes my obsession. refusing to eat means that no one can make me put anything (well food related) into me that I cant do, the same with binging and purging. its quite ironic that binging in a way is a random kind of control for me, when in essence its being out of control, but its not really the binging that has significance to me, its the fact I can purge it away, get rid of it forever. over the years people have try to persuade me to eat when I am struggling to, but that scares me so much as it feels like they are taking the control away from me, but knowing that they cant ever make me keep it down keeps me going. I hate the medication that I am on, because of the weight gain, for me the number on the scale shows how much I'm in control, how much my life is mine....I never said any of this is rational!

the final thing for me that is around control is sleep, and this is a difficult one for me. I hate sleep with a passion. for so many people its a way of escaping, sleeps no escape for me, sleep is nightmares and fear. I so often do anything to avoid sleeping, the nightmares both true events and fictional seriously scare the living daylights out of me, as while I am asleep I cant control it, I cant control what I am going to dream. I'm no way saying being awake is much better, I live with frequent flashbacks, dissociation and terror, but in my head in some way if I'm conscious I can at least try and control it, asleep I don't have a chance in hell to stop it.

many survivors' use other ways to keep control, OCD, alcohol, drugs to name  few.

all I want is to have my control of my body and life back.

Families

hey guys,

well as Easter approaches, I sit in dread for another holiday where families will be getting together and sharing time, and I'm not, I'm on my own, but the alternative would be far to scary to even imagine. however its made me think, think about what a family is, and whether you can make your own???

I love the saying that "friends are the family you choose" cause whoever choose my biological family was seriously having a joke on me! but what is a family?

as far as I am concerned a family is people who care about each other, that want each other to be happy but are there when things aren't going so great.

thinking about it I think this idea of family, and it being close people around you means for a lot of people that it is their friends that they turn to when they need a shoulder to cry on, or the first person they ring when they get some good news is becoming more friends for more and more people. Society has changed so this is possible and that can only be a good thing?

my own family let me down, badly. but writing this means I have a great circle of friends that are the family I choose. the people I want to spend time with and are there for me, as I am for them.

The last few years holidays such as Easter have filled me with dread, the whole get together ideas, and reminded me how much I have lost because I was honest. and it still does on days where im feeling generally down. but when I think about who I do have in my life I know I have the better deal than those I have lost, and I jus got to keep reminding myself of that.

love you guys...you know who you are xxx

my take on s136

hey guys,

As I am sitting in my hotel room "up north" I thought that I would write a blog around why I am up here. tomorrow I am helping with the "north learning event" for the CQC commissioners' (inspectors) around my experience with section 136 (s136). something, unfortunately I know a bit too much about.

section 136 is a section to a place of safety by the police is they feel someone is at risk (of hurting themselves or someone else). they cannot place this on a person if they are in their own house, and a "place of safety" can be either a hospital (usually a 136 suit) or the police station.

Unfortunately in the 12 years that I have been under the mental health teams in North Wales and East Sussex (and even north Devon when on holiday at one point) I've had too much contact with the police when I have been in crisis, and the response like with anything has been mixed, and even within forces it has been mixed.

There's two main areas to focus on, the practical stuff, and attitudes

The first point is that when I have had any contact with police in the last few years since I moved south I have been sectioned under a 136 without much conversation...yet whenever I have been in crisis elsewhere and the police have been involved they have given me the option to go and get assessed and help VOLUNTARY first (which I took) and therefore there was no reason to force me into a situation where I feel even more out of control as my freedom (even if its only overnight) is taken away from me by people who do not get enough training. I'm not blaming individual officers, or even areas, but its well known that the police do not get enough training. according various blogs and internet sites around 20% of all police work is to do with mental health, and yet they don't get the training that they feel, and I as a service user feels is required. more on that later. I don't know if Sussex police feel that s136 straight away and why they don't seem to offer to the person in crisis to be able to go for a voluntary assessment, or whether the fact that the notorious suicide spot "Beachy head" has been involved means that they take the line that they seem to do. I feel that it would  better for all if being detained/arrested on a 136 is the last possible option!!!

Every single time I have been detained under a s136, the local 136 suit has been closed, and so I have been held in the cells. I will always say that the cells are the last place that someone who is in a metal health crisis should be held. were at a 136 suit the idea is while to keep you safe you should also be as comfortable as possible, where nothing can be further from the truth in a cell. I am a great believer in distraction to calm my own situation down, and I know many other people who have varying mental health issues where this is one of their tactics. how on earth can you distract yourself in a police cell, apart from annoying the custody officers by continually asking for cups of tea! there's no TV or comfortable place to wait for the relevant people to come unlike in a 136 suit. a police cell is just not appropriate as far as I am concerned.

I have often felt a criminal when I have been detained, both by my surroundings and by the way I am treated. I know that the whole reason I am stuck in the cell is apparently to keep me safe, an so they have to check I haven't got anything to harm myself, but I cannot see a reason why I should be left with nothing but a blanket (and I am lucky I know people who haven't even had that). it feels so degrading, unsafe, and vulnerable to be in that cell completely naked when you know that people are watching you constantly. I do have a history of being abused and being in a situation like that reminds me of my past, and likely to make me a lot more in distress and unsafe!!!!

As I am a self harmer, and often this has been part of the reason that I am detained by the police, it is obvious to me that most of them just do not understand. to be far most of the population don't understand why someone would deliberately hurt themselves. self harm in the most part is about coping and survival, and while there is a risk, its not often a huge life and death risk. to me it feels that  the police (as well as many physical health services but that's for another blog) need more understanding around self harm, it is a major issue across the UK, but is also demonised as attention seeking and manipulative, something that riles many people. it seems that a small minority of people give everyone who self harms or has a personality disorder a bad name, but as with any group of people, we are blah who has a PD not the PD!

I guess people want to be treated as someone worth caring about, and treating as if they were human not a rabid animal!

my body - TRIGGER

well I finally have a computer and this means I can blog a lot more.

the last few days things around my body and how I view it etc. has been going around and around my head.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER - abusive past/ed/sh behaviours.

for as long as I can remember I have hated my body, the body that has let me down, has been hurt so many times over and over again. its not MY body its everyone else's that has hurt me, has raped me, has abused me, I have no body.

Im 30 now, yet I still want to destroy the body, whether it be through self harming, through messing with my eating (which has been far to easy to get back into :/ and although I so far have managed to stop myself the urges to destroy the inside through oding.

its not my body, its something that has let me down. that has let people take advantage of me, even when I was little, all I think is if I can destroy IT then ill be free, free from the threat of it all starting again.

but with no body I cannot survive. over the last few years I've realised I want to be someone, I want to do thing, get a job, love someone, and all these need a body....maybe I could transplant my mind and soul into someone new?

my body just isn't mine.