my body - TRIGGER

well I finally have a computer and this means I can blog a lot more.

the last few days things around my body and how I view it etc. has been going around and around my head.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER - abusive past/ed/sh behaviours.

for as long as I can remember I have hated my body, the body that has let me down, has been hurt so many times over and over again. its not MY body its everyone else's that has hurt me, has raped me, has abused me, I have no body.

Im 30 now, yet I still want to destroy the body, whether it be through self harming, through messing with my eating (which has been far to easy to get back into :/ and although I so far have managed to stop myself the urges to destroy the inside through oding.

its not my body, its something that has let me down. that has let people take advantage of me, even when I was little, all I think is if I can destroy IT then ill be free, free from the threat of it all starting again.

but with no body I cannot survive. over the last few years I've realised I want to be someone, I want to do thing, get a job, love someone, and all these need a body....maybe I could transplant my mind and soul into someone new?

my body just isn't mine.