It feels like its been a while since I posted on here, I have been really struggling with my mood, and finding anything so difficult.
That's one thing about depression, it makes anything seem like a mountain to climb, from getting out of bed, to getting dressed, to continue doing the things you've agreed to do. nothing is simple for me when I feel like this. But I know that if I give into it, if I hide away all day every day like I want to it will make things worse, I can see that at the moment, and this gives me the chance to try and pull myself up before my mood drops even further. its not "pulling myself together" its putting every last bit of energy to carry on.
My work doing service user involvement is often the one thing that gets me out of bed, knowing that something I can do to help a number of people, that's all I have ever wanted to do is help others. I'm so lucky to have this, have something that I don't want to let people down so force myself to do the things I have to do so I can attend the events that I'm due at. not everyone has this, and I know from friends, and from my past that without having something your passionate about and something to motivate you its so hard to pick yourself up.
Friends are so important to your mental health full stop. they can see things in a completely different way to the way that you see them yourself. (although I am still convinced on my own view of me!), having friends around that understand, but also know when to kick you into doing something and when to just sit and let you cry (apparently crying is good...I personally am not so sure).
This time the low mood has lasted so long, and quite a lot of the time I feel like giving up fighting everything. but after years and years of behavioural therapy its got somewhere in my brain that that is the worse thing that I can do, and so I try. there are so many days where I wake up and all I want to do is turn over and pretend the world doesn't exist, and there are days when I do (far too frequently at the moment).
At the moment its not easy to carry on. I'm not sleeping well, not eating well, having disturbing thoughts. it feels like I am walking through treacle in every breath, and that your a ghost that no one else can see. but still I try and do everything I can.
Depression is an illness, it affects your brain chemistry. but if you broke a leg, to make it better afterwards you would have physio and do exercises, same with depression, its hard but by keeping active in whatever way can help, when you can, can help you bring your mood up. its the more you do the more you can do next time, a slow process but one that has to be worth it, I hope so. and lets hope that I can put my words into practice and bounce back somehow :/