in have been feeling really overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, and in thought it might help to write it here and share it to see if other people feel the same, or have any ideas.
I actually had a couple of months of feeling stable. I was able to get on with work and feel its benefits - being able to give back has always helped me. But it’s also given me a lot of confidence and in that time in felt that the confidence that in felt was seeping into other areas of my life, and in felt in was really getting somewhere.
Then, at the end of November it was my mother’s birthday. This hit me hard, especially as in wasn't expecting it to. In felt so guilty about what in have put her and my dad through, and putting me first. And guilty that in as her daughter wasn’t celebrating her birthday. This is when the overwhelming feelings started and they took hold so quickly. I have always felt guilty about putting myself first, throughout the years in was in touch with my parents it was drilled into me that how the family appeared was most important, not how in felt. The programming once again has made me crumble. My mum expected a present from us, it wasn't something that you do to be nice it had to be done, and now in don’t in still feel so guilty that in don’t. This all sounds quite trivial and stupid, but when you put it into context with the way my family dynamics worked, and the control of my parents over me in hope you can get some kind of understanding why this has affected me so much.
My feelings of overwhelming once they started took on a life of their own. I started having very dark flashbacks of some things that happened to me by a group of men when I was a child. I don’t want to go into great detail about them, but would like to explain the impact that this has had on me. Flashbacks seem to be taking on a life of their own, and feel me with complete terror. It’s like they take over me, with every sense, visual, through smell to touch, being used to hurt me once again. I don’t seem to have any sense of grounding once they start and often they lead me to dissociate and that can lead onto self-harm. How do you get a sense of reality when every sense you have has been dragged back to when in was 6 years old??? Any ideas are gladly welcomed, as for me it overwhelms every ounce of my body.
Christmas is also a bad time for me, and with it looming, the overwhelming sense of dread won’t leave me day and night. I know that Christmas is a bad time for a lot of people, and as an adult in always struggled with it. However back in holiday season of 2009/2010 in was on placed on section 3 on Christmas Eve, but had leave to go home Christmas day (and Boxing day and New Year’s Day) and that was the last time that my dad abused me. At the time in didn't know that this would be the last time, it was more circumstances that meant it was, but for me this has completely ruined the Christmas season. I have made sure that in am not on my own, and staying with a friend. I just feel sadness that Christmas will never be special again, and the anguish of what he did to me will always taint Christmas.
I did manage to get some extra support last week from the Crisis team, but they discharged me on Monday, in believe because of my current diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) as it was mentioned if they kept me on in would feel rejected when they pulled out. This is just not true, and in feel that my needs weren’t kept in mind....hence I wanting my diagnosis changed! I am so lucky with my support network, in have a lot of friends, and some really close friends, as well as professional support, but the feeling of overwhelmed with so much negative emotions, and with a huge feeling that in am not entitled to ask for support in really don’t know how to get through the next few weeks.
The picture is of Eastbourne Pier at night, one of the things that calms me.