I've been wanting to write this blog for a little bit, but something has stopped me, I'm not sure what, but here we go anyway.
for years my control of my body has been taken away as I said in my previous blog. its like the one thing that you should be able to control is not yours and your left with trying desperately find something to control. I think that some people find this hard to understand, how out of control the world feels even though you may make small choices such as what toothpaste to use.
its felt like my whole life all I have ever wanted is to feel in control of my life, of my body. but when you cant control and stop after years and years of being violated your own body the search to feel that control is so strong. after all its human nature that you feel in some way of control. and for me, as with many survivors' you end up trying to take control in ways that are harmful and destructive, but you get some kind of relief from having that control.
my body is scarred completely from self injury, one of the ways in which not only did I learn to cope with what was going on but it makes me feel I have control over MY body, I cut into the skin and have left permanent markers that in a way is to push anyone who comes close away. this is very difficult for anyone who has never self injured to get their head around. although my body doesn't feel mine, I'm the one who has scarred it to the point that its even more ugly, its my control to keep people away, keep anyone for even wanting to hurt me again. even as I write this I know in reality that it wouldn't stop anyone, but each scar across my body is my map of survival, my map of keeping control. one day I will do another blog into this in more detail.
since I was young, I've had a difficult issues around food. for the years that he had control of what he did to me, I have had control over what has entered my body (or what I have forced out of my body by making myself sick or taking x number of laxatives a day). food is my control, and this is the one I keep going back to, at any point of feeling that control is slipping away from me, food becomes my obsession. refusing to eat means that no one can make me put anything (well food related) into me that I cant do, the same with binging and purging. its quite ironic that binging in a way is a random kind of control for me, when in essence its being out of control, but its not really the binging that has significance to me, its the fact I can purge it away, get rid of it forever. over the years people have try to persuade me to eat when I am struggling to, but that scares me so much as it feels like they are taking the control away from me, but knowing that they cant ever make me keep it down keeps me going. I hate the medication that I am on, because of the weight gain, for me the number on the scale shows how much I'm in control, how much my life is mine....I never said any of this is rational!
the final thing for me that is around control is sleep, and this is a difficult one for me. I hate sleep with a passion. for so many people its a way of escaping, sleeps no escape for me, sleep is nightmares and fear. I so often do anything to avoid sleeping, the nightmares both true events and fictional seriously scare the living daylights out of me, as while I am asleep I cant control it, I cant control what I am going to dream. I'm no way saying being awake is much better, I live with frequent flashbacks, dissociation and terror, but in my head in some way if I'm conscious I can at least try and control it, asleep I don't have a chance in hell to stop it.
many survivors' use other ways to keep control, OCD, alcohol, drugs to name few.
all I want is to have my control of my body and life back.