quick one on body memories

Hey guys,

so my updating of this continues!!! I'm still in hospital on section, and feeling trapped, but this time I wish to write about living in the past.

for those who follow my blog they will know that I had an extremely difficult childhood (because of my evilness), and my punishment for this is that I continually live in the past, through flashbacks and body memories. NOTE I would not say to anyone else that it was a punishment only me.

I don't know all my triggers that send us flying back though time to a time that it hurt (a lot) and out is like that I am reliving these times. for those triggers do know I avoid them at all costs, but this is not always possible, from it being environmental - for me one of these is church bells ringing, and living in the UK this makes avoiding those all most impossible. To ones I might not expect say on TV.

There is much scientific controversy over whether cells in the body remember the trauma. I know, however,  that it is true!!!! often, at least for me, when a new memories are emerging it's often my body that remembers it first before the visual and other sense's come into play. its important to realise the during a flashback that more often than not a!l the senses are involved.

the question this leads to is how to deal to is how can we deal with them?

if you google grounding techniques, you will come up with million different ideas, try different ones too see what works for you. for example with me, I find techniques that are external too my body a lot less triggering than those that focus on breath or my body.

if you have ideas feel free to post them.

till next time

Lou

PS photo is of my wrist and the ribbon for PTSD

Trapped

Hi guys,

well I said I would updates note often !o!

this post kinda follows on from the last one, and again is both about !my physical around my environment And within my head.

I find feeling so trapped a real trigger for me, cause not only was I trapped when I was younger even into adulthood where my parents locked me in when I lived at home, among other times of trapping me. I need to be able to get out especially since the fire.

Due to all of this I find being trapped a real trigger, yet because I'm in the psych  unit I'm trapped inside as well as within my head.

I am on section and have no leave (yet) so have spent all weekend stuck on the unit and its driving me crazy, even more than I am normally (yes its possible, only just though!).so many people take for granted the ability to walk out of the house and go for a walk or do whatever they need to do. I'm so reliant on my friends and the staff to get what I need. I feel so helpless because of this, its completely disabling rather than enabling me. I just want to run out of the doors and never stop. I'm so scared, not so my h of other patients and staff but just the environment in general and the whole being stuck.

The other place I'm trapped is our own head. As I said in my previous post my dad (and mum) still control me in my head. Because of what I have been through I live in the past, its not that I want to live there, its massively scary especially for the little ones, but it pulls me back with triggers constantly living with flashbacks of every sense, from visual to the body memories where my body remembers 😿. I know that I deserve the punishment as being born evil means that what he did was to try and help but I hate living back in a time when it hurts in every way possible! I don't  have a choice about this, I don't even know All my triggers. its not easy to just leave the past in the past when all you've known is pain and so biologically stored in the wrong part of thee brain.

I feel trapped, stuck and beyond help. everything has been getting worse for so long that I'm trapped in a dark dark hole with no way out.

all my love
Lou

Control

hi guys

I said I would try and update this more often!!!!

a little background. I have been struggling g really badly for a little while, and 10 days ago I got out of a psych unit after 5 weeks in hospital! within 8 days I'm back in, on section 2. To me this is taking away my control! as not only on hospital it's up to drs you see once a week too leave etc, and they can force medication on you etc.

I personally don't deal with being out of control very well or trapped so not feeling any safer being on the ward ant better than being at home!!!

this goes beyond my current situation I feel so my whole life is out of my control! including and especially my childhood, not only did my dad try and cuew me (others call it a**se), but my mum was worse at cpomntrolling me. as everything had to look good on her  (And maybe she was behind everything my dad did as well, she had! control over all of us.! ) they are still winning, they are still in my head! Still controlling me constantly. these riusidual effects (I.e. my cPTSD and dissociation) are so bad and that's just leaving me feeling even more out of control, especially as pur switching is so bad, wwe don't know who we are going to be one minute to the next.

Recently, I've felt a couple of people behind me and can hear them (never see them though) them though. they show me the evidence of my evilness and how I hurt people through mind control because of my evilneass its always bad, I would do (and do do anything) to not hurt anyone's ever (except us). apparently there is some chance that this is because of the od I took recently and its after effects, but it's not its real!!!!

As I said at the beginning, to back to today, I'm currently is sectioned and so in hospital again, its made me feel so trapped and everything is out of my control, the fact I can't go for a walk, yo what time I eat take meds etc. I can't deal with this very well especially on top of my mood being so so low and anxiety extremely high thanks to the cPTSD and dissociation!


so...how am I dealing with this. answer is quite simple not very well. I am controlling my eating really strictly (restriction) as then I feel like I am in. control of something (although in reality this is not in my control either Rachel!!!). I try and control my sleep as it scares me so so much and so we go on. all the basic human needs are the ones I am controlling in a maldapative way😢 I wish that I knew another way but unfortunately I literally can't think straight!!!

they have won. feels like the war is coming to an end and I have lost.

lots of love
Lou
 

Trust

Hi guys,

Well its been a while, over a year since I last updated my blog, I am so so sorry. A lot has happened and a lot has come up in terms of my memories and other symptoms....but that's a whole other post. I will try and update more often (yes I know I have said this before) I may revisit old topics with new posts as things (as with 100% of the human population) change, I have learnt new skills and met different people.

I have been in and out of hospital, and like many (but not all) people who have similar experiences to mine trust is a big big issue. I find that either I trust to quickly or not at all, and to me there doesn't seem to be much of a pattern except sometimes gender...I personally find it easier to trust and therefore talk to females than males. This is not always the case, and depends a lot on who is in control at any one point. But I tend to trust my gut instinct, yes this has got me into trouble in the past, and could well get me into trouble in the future, but it also means I have the best friends who are my family in the world and without them I just wouldn't be the person I am today, I love them to bits (special mention for Sharnie and Clare!)

There is a reason I have decided on trust as my first topic for this year (yeah its nearly over...where has it gone?) actually a couple with major differences.

Since coming out of hospital again last week I have really struggled with just about everything, although I am functioning to a certain degree its a false functioning. On tuesday I went back to survivors, I usually find this extremely useful to help me cope, but this tuesday it was just too much and was unable to go back into the room for the second half. I spent a long time talking to someone about various stuff, I don't think I had talked to her much before that on a one to one basis, but somehow I knew that it was safe to talk and talk about the (lack of) future etc. something I (as Jenny) didn't want anyone to know, but the little ones (Who used to trust anyone and everyone now trust almost no one) needed someone to know, and we know that it was SAFE to trust this person and talk honestly.

Onto the second scenario. This one isn't so positive. I feel very alone in terms of a partner, and feel the biological clock – after all I am 34 now! And so ended up on Tinder, and have been talking to and texting a guy...i have tried not to say too much, but that has failed. My own need for love I guess means that I didn't want him to freak when we meet on sunday, after all my struggle is scared across my body. It wasn't till someone else pointed out that I have realised that I have put myself in a very vulnerable position when my own mental health is extremely shaky. He knows I have serious mental health issues and the origin (What happened to me, even though my own fault). I haven't gone into the details but still he knows now. Eeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!

LOVE ALL

TRUST FEW

DO WRONG TO NONE

-William Shakespeare.

This quote is so real. I have a lot of people that I love dearly, but only a handful that I would say that I fully trust (Well when I say fully, fully as I ever will, especially as particularly paranoid at the moment) and I never want to hurt anyone EVER , at least not deliberately and will do anything to stop this (another post to come!!). This way I am safeguarding myself from being hurt and used again.

Lots of love

Jenny