programming

I know that many people who have experienced trauma, including abuse, guilt is a huge issue that's hard to get over - and I am no different, years of programming not only is hard to break from but leaves you with an immense feeling of guilt that you just don't know how to deal with.

My parents instilled into me that the way that the family was seen by everyone is the most important thing of all, that they had to be seen as perfect, and we were the perfect family. I remember being told so often to "look Happy" as otherwise it looks bad on them. Well over the last two years I have completely managed to smash that view, just by being honest. however I can still here their voices in my head, telling me that I am bad and naughty for ruining their so called "family", if people know what is going on  then no one is going to see them as perfect or even good parents, and I know that this is my fault. Many people around me try and remind me that what I have done over the last few years was important for my own mental health, and I haven't done anything wrong. however its hard to hear this, no not hard to hear but almost impossible to believe at the moment. I know that I have blown apart everything to do with my family, and although I do agree that I have had to do this to be able to have a life, I still have this huge, massive, feeling of guilt.

Years of programming from anyone is so hard to break, years of being told that I come last, that they are "holier than thou" and me (and my brother) job was to make sure that everyone believed that, is not only a huge pressure for both of us when we were at home. Our feelings were denied. somehow a vicars daughter cant be depressed, or anything apart from happy, on top of everything, and sailing through life. something that anyone would have a difficult time living up to, let alone with the sexual and emotional abuse I was being subjected to day after day, year after year. in a way this all added to the abuse, emotionally I was always told that I am a failure for the family, the black sheep, but of cause all that has to be hidden from the general public.

My parents fear of how anyone perceived them meant that I didn't really get any help with anything until I went to uni, apart from the 6 months of completely useless family therapy, there was no way that I could be allowed to see anyone...after all how would they perceive them??? And family therapy is pretty useless when I am too scared to say anything against them, because of the consequences....honesty? whats that?

All this has come to ahead with me as I have recently found that people are asking questions, extremely publicly, around why they aren't working, and haven't for so long. This splits me completely. part of me just hopes that somehow people will get it, that's not all as it seems, that they will get their comeuppance. but then there is a huge part of me feeling guilty for the pressure that put my parents under, that people aren't worshipping them as all good and wonderful, and that is my fault, my fault for being honest (and honesty isn't allowed!).  its pulling me apart, how I have pulled everything apart for me (and that's just no acceptable), but I want a life, I want to be able to be me.