Monday, 28 October 2013
hidden disese of depression
I know that it has been a long time since I have written on here, but my mental health had gone downhill, and my depression had taken over, I am on the road to feeling better now, but it’s been a really rough time.
Depression can be so hidden, I am trying to keep up with the things that I do, but inside I am crying out for help. I am really lucky that my CPN and the Crisis Team responded well and I had a few days away from my flat at the Sanctuary. I am really lucky to have a place like that as an option as for me I think going back into hospital, especially the one in Eastbourne, would send me way back in my recovery.
My mood has for such a long time been low and I have struggled with it a lot. I find things that many might find easy such as going into town, or actually even leaving my flat so hard. However this isolation that I can put on myself just means that I spiral downwards. For me, I have to force myself to do the opposite of what I want to do to keep myself going. A lesson I learnt in the 8 years that I did DBT, and when I did Behavioural Activation when I was living in Lavender. I don't agree that behavioural therapies hold all the answers, but they do allow people to learn ways that can help with the things that they can struggle with. I could go on but feel that giving it its own post is the only way to give it justice....
I think there were many reasons that my mood has dropped, from the closing of lavender being soon to seeing media around abuse especially in the Church of England. Both and many more triggering me in different ways, but all chipping away at my reserves to the point I became quite suicidal.
Lavender Lodge is going to be closing soon, and while I am no longer under their care this is having a huge impact on me for two main reasons one I spend a lot of weekends going there to see the girls. But mainly it’s significant so much because of its place within me, being the only place that I have ever felt safe, and I was able to talk about the main thing that has been making me ill the abuse that I suffered for years. It’s so sad that money has to come in the way of a service like this, a place that someone who has tried community services, but is still in a chaotic lifestyle, as I was when I arrived there back in 2010.
This kinda follows on, but I think that one big thing for me that means that I am struggling so much, and have been for quite some time now is because I don't feel safe in my own home. I have explained this in previous posts, so I won’t go into major detail about this. I feel that this is always chipping away at me. Also, it increases the risk of my dissociation (something that is very risky for me).
Since the revelations in the media about Jimmy Saville and many other high profile paedophiles’, many adult survivors have found it difficult to see as it brings back to their own abuse that they suffered. I am glad that this is more talked about, and is a lot more open, as it allows more people to be honest about their childhood and hopefully allowing people who are still being abused to ask for help to get it stopped. Things have definitely changed since the 1980s...another future post.
I feel I have been quite self-indulgent in this post, but what I wanted to get across is someone who is suffering from depression can have a lot going on that is bringing their mood down. They are not being self-indulgent in terms of "wallowing" but have a real problem that does need help. Depression is hidden away, it’s not like a broken leg where you can see a cast, and sometimes people, such as myself, will try and put on a "normal" face (whatever normal is), but inside I was dying. I am lucky to have great people around me that support me, and I them.