Why cant I feel safe?

I have been going through a really rough period recently, but I know have the Crisis team support.

Why can't I feel safe? I suppose how would anyone after 25 years of being told that I could never run and never hide from *him*? every day when he came to me it was always the same "you can't run and never can you hide" however now I am in my own flat I find this so so hard. this is the first time I have lived on my own since I have no contact, this is the first time on my own that I Should feel safe, but I just don't. Practically we have done everything that we can, I have lifeline, I have an intercom to let people in, I can ring the police. yet I still just don't feel safe. I think I am not on my own feeling this way, and I guess it will just take time.

However it is having a huge impact on my mental health, as I am constantly in high alert and hyper vigilant and that is going to have a toll. It really affects me sleep, I am so scared that allowing myself to feel safe enough to sleep doesn't happen, and then when I do I get either "flashback" nightmares, or currently ones where everyone leaves me, and my parents get what they want. but the massive sleep deprevation affects my mood and so on.

My mood is particularly low at the moment, and that just makes me feel less safe. so its a never ending battle,

I mentioned in a previous post about Programming, and this "grooming" I suppose, is the worst one I feel. I am so scared to go anywhere just in case I see them. A few months ago I saw my dad in the local hospital going to do his job (he is a vicar so visiting his parishioners who are sick) and so now cant go to the hospital on my own. I love where I live, I love being so close to the sea, and I am determined not to let them ruin it. I try to tell myself that I have every right to be here - just sometimes it doesn't work.

Why do I let them still control me this much, to the point that sometimes I want to die, as I know that I will never be safe, so its better if I am dead?

some of the crisis team don't seem to have got it, as they continue to go through all the practical stuff, but it doesn't make any difference. if he wants he can I am sure of that. I wish that I could get the two things done (get my stuff back and replace my mum as nearest relative) then at least I would never ever have to have contact with them.

how do you live a life of not being safe or feeling safe? at this moment I do not know.

picture is taken by me of Eastbourne Pier, my favourite peaceful place is the beach xxx