well I am free!!!!
As usual I went to Survivors support group on Tuesday and this has led to this post.
First of all, I am writing this to all survivors, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! How I know that sometimes that this is hard to believe, and in a way I am being a complete hypocrite by writing that as personally I feel that it is my fault that my life happened, and this is why I need the punishment that I want to talk about in this post.
I believe completely that I am Evil and born that way, and this is why my dad did what he did, he was trying to cure me, and save people around me and society in general. However if I look at it intellectually and as if the story was someone elses, I can see how he used his power, Job (vicar), and grooming to keep the person quiet and to pass blame onto them rather than himself. What he did was WRONG, a child (or even an adult) is never to blame, those that a*use that power are. I will (or more likely we will) be taking it from this position rather than my emotional, core belief system to my own history!
I punish myself in so many ways, I believe that I need this punishment as it is my fault and that I deserve all the punishment in the world. I turn my anger inwards and hurt myself in order of a way of coping with the past (and present, the physical stuff may not be going on, but they are still in my head, repeating all this stuff.
A definition of Self Punishment can be found here. But is pretty self explanatory and from people that I know I feel that it is a common feature in those that have experienced a*use. This is because the perpetrator will either blame the victim or be so nice that someone may feel that they saught it out (there may be other reasons that I have not thought of) and so feel that they deserve to punish themselves rather than the people who are really to blame, this is not just for those who have been se*ually a*used by any type!
The way that people can punish themselves is endless, and I don't really want to go into them, as I don't want to give people new ideas, but need to focus on the fact that a)Anger is a natural and OK emotion (I hate writing that as seems so alien to me!!) but it needs to be aimed at the person that is to blame, and not at yourself. Obviously I am not talking about if someone, anyone did something wrong and then the anger can be justified, but that is the exact word that needs to come out of this, ANGER IS JUSTIFIABLE, BUT A*USE IS NOT THE SURVIVORS FAULT, THE JUSTIFIED ANGER SHOULD BE AIMED AT THE PERSON/PEOPLE WHO TOOK ADVANTAGE! I am not giving anyone permission to go and be aggressive or even violent towards anyone (including themselves) but as I said its OK to be angry for your innocence to be snatched away!!!!
Right, back to myself. I have repeatedly said that it is my fault, and therefore I need to punish myself for what I have done wrong (being born evil/disclosure and everything that followed etc etc) but by thinking this way, and acting in this way (whether it through the self harm that I used to do or the severely controlling my eating, putting myself into dangerous positions etc) I can remain in control in a situation that I am repeatedly told was not in my control (intellectually how can someone who can barely talk be responsible to anything To Be Honest!!!). Also I am absolutely terrified of emotions (rather be shutdown and numb) especially anger, as scared of its power
Good ideas for coping with the need for self punishment can be found here.
Sorry this is so disjointed and not up to much tonight, but I am extremely switchy which is making it difficult.
Till next time guys,
Lou and Us.