dates.

Dates are just dates right?
no, special dates within our lives become get ingrained in our brains, everyone's, whether its peoples birthdays, anniversaries, fathers day and so on. but sometimes it not the best thing, and as much as you want to forget the date, its just doesn't happen.

This time of year there are a lot of birthdays (and of cause fathers day) in my family, including mine. as I don't have contact with my family I find these dates hard to deal with.

Society puts connotations' on how we are meant to react to these dates, presents cards etc, but when it hurts so much because they are a reminder of bad memories, you have the added guilt of not falling into societies norms.

I personally find society "holidays" the hardest, and so I am finding the upcoming Father's Day is a trigger for all kind of emotions, and there is no way to avoid this as every shop and every other advert on TV is to remind everyone of this day that they have to celebrate how fantastic their dad is. I feel hurt and anger in the way that they "looked" after me for 28 years, that they just used me to their own good. I don't feel anger much, but seeing all the "best dad in the world" mugs and other ideas for people to get their dads and I just wish I could smash them. why cant they also bring out "worst dad in the world".

I think that part of the reason that I find this time of year so difficult is because my abuse started after my 5th birthday party, and now forever my birthday is associated with physical and mental pain that I endured for so long. why did they have to  make something that is meant to be my day to be such a trigger. I think the emotion that's involved in this for me is making it so hard for me to write this blog. How can anyone think that the best present for a 5 year old is to say "cause your such a big girl now you can do big girl things" and begin the sexual abuse that has blighted my life?

Maybe I am just overreacting? maybe it is easy not to react to special dates, I just haven't found out how to do this. Dates where always so important in my family, and not just the dates but the whole celebration and monetary value of these, you had to get cards and presents, even if you personally didn't have the money. I remember when I was at uni, and as a student had no money, and my mum shouted down the phone at me on mothers day because I hadn't sent anything, even though I took the time to ring her. I personally don't see why anything should be expected, but this means that I feel guilty as each of the dates go past, its ingrained into me through force that that's how you should react. I can guess that my families reaction isn't the reaction of most (or at least I hope so).

I am extremely lucky that I have a special group of friends that are helping me make new memories for my birthday. that I can make it my day again one year soon.