this week I am writing around the need to feel like you can get justice for all the hurt that you have had to suffer. for me its like trying to get control back from my abuser, be able to think that they should suffer for the years and years of abuse they have put me through. it all makes sense, but I don't think in reality it works that way, even if you manage to get them punished. that's something I haven't managed.
I had a phone call a week last Monday to say that the second investigation that my abuser was going through because of me wasn't going any further because of lack of evidence (its historical etc so much harder to get forensic evidence and the nature of the abuse other people wouldn't be able to corroborate my story),
trying to get justice in the legal system is notoriously difficult because the burden of guilt is so high. I, like so many other people, were unable to report it until I felt safe enough, but this means that the amount of evidence that the police can gather is reduced, a lot! I decided to go through with this second investigation as in the year between the two so much had happened within society after the reporting of Jimmy Saville and various other high profile paedophiles, I was hoping that because of this, people were more likely to understand that my mental health issues are a result of what's happened to me rather than my "issues" being used against me. it is so well documented how childhood abuse, especially sexual, has a massive impact on someone's mental health right into and through adulthood, and yet my abuser used that fact I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as a reason that HE was innocent....when it actually means (in my case) the complete opposite is true.
the news of the investigation failing, has set me back so much (and wasn't doing too well before that. to me feels like that he has gotten away with it again, that because of various reasons I couldn't tell anyone at the time I am the one punished, I'm the one who relives what has happened over a 20+ period every single day. I am the one who is too scared to let mused sleep as much as I need because of the terrifying nightmares that haunt me night after night, I'm the one who struggles to cope and unable to work because of the legacy of the abuse..
I am extremely lucky as I have a group of fantastically supportive friends and professionals involved, and they remind me that the investigation didn't end because I wasn't believed, something I struggle with as I was told repeatedly throughout the abuse that no one would believe me because of his position within society, that no one would think the caring vicar who inflict so much pain on his daughter. I hear his voice even now telling me that, and its taking a hell of a long time to believe that people actually trust what I am saying, realise that my issues arise from my upbringing,
Although I haven't got justice through the courts, I am hoping that I have still saved people going through what I have gone through, and put the fear of being caught into him that he manages to restrain from hurting anyone else. if I have managed that then he stress of the investigation, and how much I am struggling right now is worth it.