Eastbouorne Pier

Eastbouorne Pier

Saturday, 20 July 2013

alone and evil

For some people find that being alone is good an helps them recuperate, I am part of the other type of people that being on my own means that I am constantly thinking too much, ruminating and which leads to flashbacks and even dissociation. -  How can someone feel so alone, yet they are surrounded by people? This is how I feel a lot, I can be in the middle of town, but feel like I am not real, a ghost walking though. seeing families or friends having fun and sharing experiences makes you feel so so alone. This isn't saying I haven't got any friends, because I have, really good ones who I love to bits, but there are times, like at the moment when I want to hide away, and isolate.

My abuser spent a lot of time making sure that I know that I am bad, evil and am on this earth to be punished. when a child is repeated told something from an early age they are going to believe I, and I do. Its so hard for other people to understand, and I am sure that I frustrate everyone at times. Even though he is physically not in contact with me anymore, and neither is my mum (who was just as bad emotionally) I constantly hear them telling me how I am a really bad evil b**ch. its so hard for me to hear and believe when people tell me its not true, as that's what the relationship with my primary caregivers in my childhood and beyond - when I was young what they said to me was the gospel that I have based my whole life on, and changing this seems so scary as what is my life if its all been a lie?

I feel the need to isolate so that I don't pass on the evilness or hurt people. this I have been told is a mutually exclusive, as if I am evil why would I be so worried about it. that just makes everything even more complicated as it does make sense, rationally, but emotionally? I just don't seem to be able to take it on board. in me there is a huge difference between what I know intellectually (or if it was happening to someone else) but to me emotionally I just don't get it. and I don't know how to make that jump to link the two? anyone got any ideas?

The other problem is when you are physically alone, and all you crave is physical contact with someone. since I have moved into my flat nearly 6 months ago this is something that I have had on more than one occasion, and it is strange to me, but I haven't lived on my own for over 3 years, and always had someone about before. needing that hug and being told that everything will be ok, but all you have is a stuffed toy? I hate putting myself on people, (part of the reason I think is my huge fear of rejection especially when I am distressed, as that is how I was brought up and it hurts!)  and so never ask, but that just leads me to feel even more alone. I find this so difficult as I have no contact with family as so don't have this option. I think in this area technology is fantastic, no longer do you physically need to be with people to feel not alone, sitting on Skype for instance, helps enormously. The "virtual" company over the Internet, and it being world wide means there is the possibility of someone being awake somewhere!

this post has been so hard to write, its doing the exact opposite of what my head and the voices are telling me to do, I'm reaching out, in the hope that someone understands, and that maybe some other people who are feeling like I am don't feel so alone.

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