Well its been a while, over a year since I last updated my blog, I am so so sorry. A lot has happened and a lot has come up in terms of my memories and other symptoms....but that's a whole other post. I will try and update more often (yes I know I have said this before) I may revisit old topics with new posts as things (as with 100% of the human population) change, I have learnt new skills and met different people.
I have been in and out of hospital, and like many (but not all) people who have similar experiences to mine trust is a big big issue. I find that either I trust to quickly or not at all, and to me there doesn't seem to be much of a pattern except sometimes gender...I personally find it easier to trust and therefore talk to females than males. This is not always the case, and depends a lot on who is in control at any one point. But I tend to trust my gut instinct, yes this has got me into trouble in the past, and could well get me into trouble in the future, but it also means I have the best friends who are my family in the world and without them I just wouldn't be the person I am today, I love them to bits (special mention for Sharnie and Clare!)
There is a reason I have decided on trust as my first topic for this year (yeah its nearly over...where has it gone?) actually a couple with major differences.
Since coming out of hospital again last week I have really struggled with just about everything, although I am functioning to a certain degree its a false functioning. On tuesday I went back to survivors, I usually find this extremely useful to help me cope, but this tuesday it was just too much and was unable to go back into the room for the second half. I spent a long time talking to someone about various stuff, I don't think I had talked to her much before that on a one to one basis, but somehow I knew that it was safe to talk and talk about the (lack of) future etc. something I (as Jenny) didn't want anyone to know, but the little ones (Who used to trust anyone and everyone now trust almost no one) needed someone to know, and we know that it was SAFE to trust this person and talk honestly.
Onto the second scenario. This one isn't so positive. I feel very alone in terms of a partner, and feel the biological clock – after all I am 34 now! And so ended up on Tinder, and have been talking to and texting a guy...i have tried not to say too much, but that has failed. My own need for love I guess means that I didn't want him to freak when we meet on sunday, after all my struggle is scared across my body. It wasn't till someone else pointed out that I have realised that I have put myself in a very vulnerable position when my own mental health is extremely shaky. He knows I have serious mental health issues and the origin (What happened to me, even though my own fault). I haven't gone into the details but still he knows now. Eeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!
DO WRONG TO NONE
This quote is so real. I have a lot of people that I love dearly, but only a handful that I would say that I fully trust (Well when I say fully, fully as I ever will, especially as particularly paranoid at the moment) and I never want to hurt anyone EVER , at least not deliberately and will do anything to stop this (another post to come!!). This way I am safeguarding myself from being hurt and used again.
Lots of love