Sunday, 9 October 2016
I said I would try and update this more often!!!!
a little background. I have been struggling g really badly for a little while, and 10 days ago I got out of a psych unit after 5 weeks in hospital! within 8 days I'm back in, on section 2. To me this is taking away my control! as not only on hospital it's up to drs you see once a week too leave etc, and they can force medication on you etc.
I personally don't deal with being out of control very well or trapped so not feeling any safer being on the ward ant better than being at home!!!
this goes beyond my current situation I feel so my whole life is out of my control! including and especially my childhood, not only did my dad try and cuew me (others call it a**se), but my mum was worse at cpomntrolling me. as everything had to look good on her (And maybe she was behind everything my dad did as well, she had! control over all of us.! ) they are still winning, they are still in my head! Still controlling me constantly. these riusidual effects (I.e. my cPTSD and dissociation) are so bad and that's just leaving me feeling even more out of control, especially as pur switching is so bad, wwe don't know who we are going to be one minute to the next.
Recently, I've felt a couple of people behind me and can hear them (never see them though) them though. they show me the evidence of my evilness and how I hurt people through mind control because of my evilneass its always bad, I would do (and do do anything) to not hurt anyone's ever (except us). apparently there is some chance that this is because of the od I took recently and its after effects, but it's not its real!!!!
As I said at the beginning, to back to today, I'm currently is sectioned and so in hospital again, its made me feel so trapped and everything is out of my control, the fact I can't go for a walk, yo what time I eat take meds etc. I can't deal with this very well especially on top of my mood being so so low and anxiety extremely high thanks to the cPTSD and dissociation!
so...how am I dealing with this. answer is quite simple not very well. I am controlling my eating really strictly (restriction) as then I feel like I am in. control of something (although in reality this is not in my control either Rachel!!!). I try and control my sleep as it scares me so so much and so we go on. all the basic human needs are the ones I am controlling in a maldapative way😢 I wish that I knew another way but unfortunately I literally can't think straight!!!
they have won. feels like the war is coming to an end and I have lost.
lots of love