I know that I said I would update this blog more but things have over taken a little...quick update, I was sectioned (on a2) 3 weeks ago and although off section now I am still in hospital for another week. The chronic lack of sleep left me with no energy to fight Jenny's reaction to the reply to the email to my dad (see previous post) which left her feeling very very unsafe and hurting too much to cope, also amount of lack of sleep meant that I started hallucinating very very badly. I am sleeping in hospital with the help of a strong sleeper that I am not sure that they will give when I leave...so who knows! I am much much better than I was, I am trying very hard to make everything (well as much as I can) better. I am going out and going home every day so I can get used to it again. The long term plan is to move me to somewhere with night time support but this is going to take a little time.
I went to my local survivors group on Tuesday and something that I brought up that has been bothering me for a long time has made me decide to devote this post to it.
I HATE my body I hate feeling any part of it and it stresses me out and freaks me out to the point of body memories where the control is taken away and I am back in that really horrible place of years ago. This distress me a lot so I (as much as I really can) live in my head. For a lot of people I think that the opposite is true and neither is that healthy.
My head isn’t a nice place to be, I struggle with my anxiety with the depression and thoughts...how I hate thoughts...and the alters that can take over and can be very dangerous or vindictive against all of us. I live in my head because its the lesser of two evils.
In therapy we have been trying to do a lot about grounding, but so much of the time this involves feeling your body, whether it be breathing, or feeling your feet on the floor. I know this works for a lot of people, and it helps them stay in the here and now, but for me, right now, it takes me back to a time when I was really badly hurt, not just physically and sexually but also emotionally. I will give you a quick example, regulating and mindfully thinking about breathing is used a lot in anxiety and also in keeping you here. It freaks the hell out of me, and there is a reason for this, during the abuse that I have suffered I was suffocated (to point of passing out no further) and breathing reminds me of how hard it was. Doesn’t help that I badly struggled with my breathing when I came off the ventilator in ICU after the fire...so concentrating on it just is too much of a reminder so freak and go back. Even writing this is so so hard as I am fighting the huge panic!!!! We have gone back to even smaller steps to try and allow me to feel my body and no freak (using little finger and switching between that and a physical anchor such as a picture) its really hard but I am getting there slowly.
I think part of the problem is I completely fear my body...it let me down, it let the abuse (including ritualistic) happen and that’s not safe...if I feel it will it let me down again??? will it just continually take me to places I don’t want to go to? Will it not let me live in the present???
People can get so much pleasure from their bodies, not just sexually, but different textures, a simple hug, and I don’t get that. I wish I could, and don’t know how to make it safe enough.
Living in my head is horrible, and I wish that I could share the burden with the whole of me, but right now that’s not an option its just not safe!