well I said I would updates note often !o!
this post kinda follows on from the last one, and again is both about !my physical around my environment And within my head.
I find feeling so trapped a real trigger for me, cause not only was I trapped when I was younger even into adulthood where my parents locked me in when I lived at home, among other times of trapping me. I need to be able to get out especially since the fire.
Due to all of this I find being trapped a real trigger, yet because I'm in the psych unit I'm trapped inside as well as within my head.
I am on section and have no leave (yet) so have spent all weekend stuck on the unit and its driving me crazy, even more than I am normally (yes its possible, only just though!).so many people take for granted the ability to walk out of the house and go for a walk or do whatever they need to do. I'm so reliant on my friends and the staff to get what I need. I feel so helpless because of this, its completely disabling rather than enabling me. I just want to run out of the doors and never stop. I'm so scared, not so my h of other patients and staff but just the environment in general and the whole being stuck.
The other place I'm trapped is our own head. As I said in my previous post my dad (and mum) still control me in my head. Because of what I have been through I live in the past, its not that I want to live there, its massively scary especially for the little ones, but it pulls me back with triggers constantly living with flashbacks of every sense, from visual to the body memories where my body remembers 😿. I know that I deserve the punishment as being born evil means that what he did was to try and help but I hate living back in a time when it hurts in every way possible! I don't have a choice about this, I don't even know All my triggers. its not easy to just leave the past in the past when all you've known is pain and so biologically stored in the wrong part of thee brain.
I feel trapped, stuck and beyond help. everything has been getting worse for so long that I'm trapped in a dark dark hole with no way out.
all my love