I went to my support group last night, and we had a long talk about responsibility and guilt, and we all pretty much felt the same. First thing I have to say though is ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ANY OF IT, YOU CANNOT CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE, IF YOU DIDN'T TALK AND IT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE THAT'S THE ABUSERS RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS!!!
This is where I am a complete hypocrite as I feel completely responsible for the risk of the abusers I had hurting others. I have got better with my dad as I did try and get justice and it was the CPS who decided not to take it further, but I still worry to the point it makes me ill that he'll hurt someone else. But my biggest guilt is around the ritualistic abuse and the fact my brain wont tell me enough to know who the abuser’s are, and I am completely convinced that I cannot of been the only one,
its a horrible feeling to have, the guilt that you think that you may have been able to stop someone else suffering but my friends tell me (as I just cant see it yet) that I was a child, programmed by my parents to keep things secret and its never a child’s responsibility (or anyone who is abused) to stop others hurting, they just have to do what they have to do to get through and survive. For me this was dissociation and “splitting (bad word for it but cant think of another one) into my different parts.
I have to remember that I have survived, I have survived seriously terrifying and horrifying things that should happen to no one, but I have done it. I struggle with it, and I still feel my parents have a lot of control over me through their grooming of me. I just hope that one day that I can truly break free from them, not just physically (Which is have) but also repair all the stuff they have ingrained into my head so that I can actually enjoy life. At the moment it just doesn’t seem possible, I still feel that it was all my fault because I am inherently evil and they were all just trying to make me good....what they told me.
Children look to adults, especially parents, for guidance and love and I didn’t get that, I got narcissistic mother who wants to throw everything under the carpet to make sure the world sees us as perfect family...in other words so people see her as a perfect mother (so far from the truth its ridiculous) and my dad sexually abused me or 20 + years, but yet its my fault....writing that makes it seem what I think is stupid. However i'm struggling to see it any other way, especially as this way gives me some kinda of control over something that was completely out of my control. Maybe this is why I struggle with using food as a way of control...but that’s for another post.
Hope you all stay safe, and this helps in some random way. Sorry