Living in My Head

hi guys,

I know that I said I would update this blog more but things have over taken a little...quick update, I was sectioned (on a2) 3 weeks ago and although off section now I am still in hospital for another week. The chronic lack of sleep left me with no energy to fight Jenny's reaction to the reply to the email to my dad (see previous post) which left her feeling very very unsafe and hurting too much to cope, also amount of lack of sleep meant that I started hallucinating very very badly. I am sleeping in hospital with the help of a strong sleeper that I am not sure that they will give when I leave...so who knows! I am much much better than I was, I am trying very hard to make everything (well as much as I can) better. I am going out and going home every day so I can get used to it again. The long term plan is to move me to somewhere with night time support but this is going to take a little time.

I went to my local survivors group on Tuesday and something that I brought up that has been bothering me for a long time has made me decide to devote this post to it.

I HATE my body I hate feeling any part of it and it stresses me out and freaks me out to the point of body memories where the control is taken away and I am back in that really horrible place of years ago. This distress me a lot so I (as much as I really can) live in my head. For a lot of people I think that the opposite is true and neither is that healthy.

My head isn’t a nice place to be, I struggle with my anxiety with the depression and thoughts...how I hate thoughts...and the alters that can take over and can be very dangerous or vindictive against all of us. I live in my head because its the lesser of two evils.

In therapy we have been trying to do a lot about grounding, but so much of the time this involves feeling your body, whether it be breathing, or feeling your feet on the floor. I know this works for a lot of people, and it helps them stay in the here and now, but for me, right now, it takes me back to a time when I was really badly hurt, not just physically and sexually but also emotionally. I will give you a quick example, regulating and mindfully thinking about breathing is used a lot in anxiety and also in keeping you here. It freaks the hell out of me, and there is a reason for this, during the abuse that I have suffered I was suffocated (to point of passing out no further) and breathing reminds me of how hard it was. Doesn’t help that I badly struggled with my breathing when I came off the ventilator in ICU after the fire...so concentrating on it just is too much of a reminder so freak and go back. Even writing this is so so hard as I am fighting the huge panic!!!! We have gone back to even smaller steps to try and allow me to feel my body and no freak (using little finger and switching between that and a physical anchor such as a picture) its really hard but I am getting there slowly.

I think part of the problem is I completely fear my body...it let me down, it let the abuse (including ritualistic) happen and that’s not safe...if I feel it will it let me down again??? will it just continually take me to places I don’t want to go to? Will it not let me live in the present???

People can get so much pleasure from their bodies, not just sexually, but different textures, a simple hug, and I don’t get that. I wish I could, and don’t know how to make it safe enough.

Living in my head is horrible, and I wish that I could share the burden with the whole of me, but right now that’s not an option its just not safe!

huggles

lou

letter to my dad

this is a email i sent my dad tonight, i have been thinking i needed to do this for a while, but havent talked to anyone about it. i hope people think its ok. just worried about the response/lack of one.

luce xxxx

Hi,

this is not going to be an easy email to write, or even read, and for that I am truly sorry. But this is something that I have to do. I am not asking for apologies or even an admission as I know in my heart that I will never get these. I just want you to know how things are for me because of my life.

The abuse that I suffered as a child and adult has seriously damaged me, I have a diagnosis of complex PTSD because of this, as well as dissociative dissorder nos.the dissociative disorder means that I have alters within me,, these have been there for years, but I am finally getting the help I need in order to move on and get on with my life.

Thanks to going to Lavender Lodge, I have grown out of the borderline personality disorder to the most part. When I get ill I do get aspects (traits) of it, but doesnt everyone?? no one really wants to get rejected etc. whilst its still on my records I am trying to get it changed to recovered. My CPN is supportive of this. I dont freak out so much at change, its more to do with my high anxiety levels due to the PTSD than anything else.

Thats enough of that. The main reason I wanted to email is to explain how controlling you and mum were when I moved home. I do understand this was done out of love and care, and I have no question in my mind that you did love me wholeheartedly. You were the one I could go to if I had a problem, but now I have friends that have become my family.

Going back to when I moved back home in 2008, when I was really ill with the BPD (and the undiognosed ptsd and ddnos). I do not blaim you for the way you decided to handle me, I must have been a complete nightmare, but this continued because I had no control. You both took all my control away from me, and that just made me mad, but also feeling extreemly out of control, so I used my (maldapative) coping mechanisms to deal with it, the od'ing, cutting and my eating disorder. As I have said I know I put you in a completely unatural situation and nothing could have prepared you both for living with me in that state. I do also blaim the MH services at the time for not supporting me enough...especially when psych liason wanted to admit me but couldnt because my GP was still in Wales. I am not trying to take away my own responsbility but I felt completely out of my depth after living on my own and coping (well not coping very well) as best I could to suddenly not having hardly any autonomy over my life. I was no longer a child at this point, but an adult. And as long as I wasnt physically hurting other people I think I should have been left to make my own mistakes so that I could learn from them; saying this and as I have said I put you in an impossible situation, a child of yours was seriously mentally unwell, and how does anyone cope with that? I do not blame you for your decsions as I can see that they were done out of love and concern for my safety....im just saying it didnt work and made me worse.

Going to lavender was the best thing I could have done, I learnt skills to deal with the affects of the BPD.

Enough of this negativity. I thought I would breifly bring you up to date. I am still struggling, but in very different ways. My anxiety is seriosuly high constantly, and have chronic low mood. Plus my alters that all have very different ideas. All very confusing. I have ended up back in hospital a few times for short times when things get on top of me, but I hate it. And as I said I am in therapy for the dissociation that has plagued my life (including the freezing that I know you witnessed) all tis makes sense to me now as I slowly remember more and more.

I dont live on my own but in a group home with staff during the day. This works quite well for me as I dont really cope living on my own iam not going to tell you where I live (and still angry at aunty Dororthy for telling you about the flat when I asked her not to) as I need to keep my safety but online is ok. I work occassionally on an ad hoc basis for various people to improve services for other people, as I am called by the CQC I am a expert by experience. I go all over the country to try and get the message across that I want to mainly to treat anyone (Mh/minorities etc etc) as if you would like to be treated yourself. And this is the message I want to get to you. I hope you never end up in that situation again, but controlling people leads to resentment and anger, plus a desprate plea by the person to keep control over something, often their owm body. We can all learn from every situation, and I hope you can reflect on this.

I do miss you more than words can say, you for all your faults and mine, were the one person I could go to with almost litterly everything. I see things that I know you would like and feel sad that I cant share it with you.

Keep going dad,

Luce

Anniverseries

Hey guys,

I know that its been a while since I have been on here, but I have been back in hospital over my birthday and had several “anniversaries” since. These are not the good ones, not the ones where you get flowers cards and presents, but ones that take me back to a place that I do not want to got.

Everyone in the world, I imagine, has dates that they would rather forget. Ones that remind them of bad times, but for me they lead me to an all encompassing depression and I have no energy to fight them. It doesn't help that the different personalities within me react differently to them.

Tomorrow is Fathers' day in the UK, and this is a hugely bad day for me, it was one of his special days (Along with my birthday and his, plus Christmas) and at the moment I am really struggling to stay safe. The pain from the memories of both the SRA and the abuse from my dad is so strong, that it feels that death is my only option. But I don't want to hurt other people, and so I struggle on. Holding onto that need not to hurt other people and prove to everyone beyond reasonable doubt that I am Evil.

So what do we do? How do people get through these dates? Answers on a postcard please (or on the comments)

I am trying to keep busy, and put things in place. Every year after this time of year I say to myself that I will be more organised and have things in place, but it sees every year it creeps up on me. I do have things planned for today and tomorrow, and hope that it will get me through, as I hate letting people down, so we will see how successful this is.

I think the fact that I have started therapy has meant that a lot more has come out in my mind (and hopefully to my therapist at the right time) and that has made this year a lot harder than before. But as it is said, no pain no gain. I just have to trust in the therapy that I am doing (Which I do) and hope that by this time next year I will be in a lot better place in order to deal with individual dates that have such a huge meaning for me.

Life is shit but you have get up dust yourself down and get on with it!!!

sorry that this doesn't really have any answers, but I am at a lost at the moment.

Love

Lou xxx

Guilt and responsibility

hey guys,

I went to my support group last night, and we had a long talk about responsibility and guilt, and we all pretty much felt the same. First thing I have to say though is ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ANY OF IT, YOU CANNOT CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE, IF YOU DIDN'T TALK AND IT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE THAT'S THE ABUSERS RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS!!!

This is where I am a complete hypocrite as I feel completely responsible for the risk of the abusers I had hurting others. I have got better with my dad as I did try and get justice and it was the CPS who decided not to take it further, but I still worry to the point it makes me ill that he'll hurt someone else. But my biggest guilt is around the ritualistic abuse and the fact my brain wont tell me enough to know who the abuser’s are, and I am completely convinced that I cannot of been the only one,

its a horrible feeling to have, the guilt that you think that you may have been able to stop someone else suffering but my friends tell me (as I just cant see it yet) that I was a child, programmed by my parents to keep things secret and its never a child’s responsibility (or anyone who is abused) to stop others hurting, they just have to do what they have to do to get through and survive. For me this was dissociation and “splitting (bad word for it but cant think of another one) into my different parts.

I have to remember that I have survived, I have survived seriously terrifying and horrifying things that should happen to no one, but I have done it. I struggle with it, and I still feel my parents have a lot of control over me through their grooming of me. I just hope that one day that I can truly break free from them, not just physically (Which is have) but also repair all the stuff they have ingrained into my head so that I can actually enjoy life. At the moment it just doesn’t seem possible, I still feel that it was all my fault because I am inherently evil and they were all just trying to make me good....what they told me.

Children look to adults, especially parents, for guidance and love and I didn’t get that, I got narcissistic mother who wants to throw everything under the carpet to make sure the world sees us as perfect family...in other words so people see her as a perfect mother (so far from the truth its ridiculous) and my dad sexually abused me or 20 + years, but yet its my fault....writing that makes it seem what I think is stupid. However i'm struggling to see it any other way, especially as this way gives me some kinda of control over something that was completely out of my control. Maybe this is why I struggle with using food as a way of control...but that’s for another post.

Hope you all stay safe, and this helps in some random way. Sorry

Lou

Its not my fault

Its not my fault – by Seren.

Why do those four words – its not my fault – send us into panic? Its not like if it was anyone else I know, I wouldn’t dream that what happened with the abuse to be their fault. But its ours!! what makes us so special? Even if we imagined the abuse we suffered was someone else, we still wouldn’t blame them. I wish that there was a simple solution into not blaming ourselves and internalising all the emotions that should be thrown at my parents. I hate to think of us as special, we hate being the centre of attention we just want to fit in (and never seem to). However we are the only abused child that its our fault....if only we could change how we perceive ourselves and I am sure that many other survivors feel the same.

I did some online research and found that adults who abuse, paedophiles, must except control and this is one of the ways that they do it. They don’t just hurt us physically and sexually but also emotionally. This emotional abuse is the centre to it, its not so much a sexual thrill they get (I think) but its the power balance and how they manage to transfer the blame to the child. They can do this in a variety of manners, through actually saying its the child’s fault, to giving them “presents” to keep them quiet. In our experience and those of people I know, it often means that we are the ones left wondering if we had done or been x y z then it wouldn’t happen. And so further believing it is our fault.

Having done some reading around I have realised that it was just the punishments that put me into the situation, but also the presents I used to get. This is a huge realisation for us, as we thought that was showing his “nice” side the side society sees, but from what I have read it was further bringing me into the damaging relationship. Having said that no person is all bad or all good. We all are a unique mixture of both. (I have mini dad (one of the alters) shouting in my ear that YOU ARE ALL EVIL NO GOOD CAN COME OF YOU) having DID does make things complicated!!!! anyway back on subject, my dad and mum do have good qualities just when it comes to me they turn bad. What Mini Dad was shouting is what I heard constantly for well over 20 years. And that is the part of the reason that my dad got away with it, I knew that it was my fault, and he was trying to help...after all 5 year old believe just about everything a parents say. Its not been programmed into my brain, and Mini Dad keeps reminding me of that very reason. And so the guilt continues. The guilt of turning them into the police and what happened from there I do see as my responsibility, although as some will tell me that they had brought it on themselves.

This is something that we struggle with a lot. People ask us why we are so different and special that if it is our fault why isn't it anyone else's. This question I cannot answer, maybe cause there is no answer, but we have been programmed for so long that it is our fault that in a way it lets feel that we have (non existent) control over our life for so long, its our fault therefore we deserved it. It also allows us to still see my parents as parents rather then them messing up our lives, which everyone else can see. I have to feel in control, we all do. I am guessing that it has a lot to do with our childhood and early years. Currently we are trying to do with with food :s if I am honest a lot of my life I was out of control, not with substance misuse, but because both my parents controlled me so much as I wasn’t the perfect vicars daughter that society believes I should have been. I wasn’t that happy go lucky child, I was suffering from the abuse my dad and his friends inflicted on my sexually and the emotional abuse from my mother. I wasn’t allowed emotions, and so I still internalise them as its safer, safer than getting rejected by the two people who are meant to be my care givers.

No child should be inflicted to what I was. However I was, and the reason for that is my evilness, I was born with it and they were just trying to get rid of it, and then using my to be for blame for everything because of it. This thinking is so wrong in a way, being a child includes innocence. Its all so conflicting.

Grooming, as they call it, meant that I didn’t talk for 20 years about what was going on, but I find it difficult to accept that it is his stuff that has made me feel like this. I feel responsible for so much including what happened to me. Will I ever feel differently? How will that affect how I see myself. I see myself with such detest, and distance myself from the body as its not ours, it belongs to them. In a way when I am hurting myself I’m not, I'm hurting them as it belongs to them always.

What gives the adults the right to transfer what they want to on a child? What gives them the right to use a child’s body as an adult plaything? Why when the adult may feel the guilt they transfer this to the child. I have no life really, I am only existing, as the past rules my life forever.

[EDIT: Seren had some help with this from some of the others, sorry its so difficult to understand.]

Triggers

Hey guys,

We are still out of hospital :)

This blog is around triggers, this is especially poignant for us at the moment, as one of ours is loud bangs, something you cannot get away from at this time of year...though hoping for a breather before new year!

Triggers affect many people in different ways, and everyone has them, whether it makes someone angry, sad or scared. For me, and I am guessing many people with PTSD certain triggers take them back to a time when they were not in control and a very scary time of their lives, the cause of their PTSD.

PTSD affects many people both from childhood trauma, being in front-line military to seeing something horrific, and I am sure that I have forgotten other causes.

The diagnostic criteria for PTSD (I have complex PTSD, which is slightly different)is as follows (paraphrased)

Criterion A: stressor 

The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence

Criterion B: intrusion symptoms

including intrusive flashbacks, memories, nightmares etc.

Criterion C: avoidance

Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood

negative emotions related to event such as shame guilt anger to name a few

Criterion E: alterations in arousal and reactivity

Irritable or aggressive behaviour

Self-destructive or reckless behaviour

Hypervigilance

Exaggerated startle response

Problems in concentration

Sleep disturbance

the biggest thing that brings all these together is the reaction to triggers, it relates all criteria B-E and I think I can see all of these in me.

Triggers are such a difficult thing to deal with. Knowing when they are coming is one thing but knowing what to do about it is another....avoidance (i.e. criteria C) being the biggest one. However it is not always possible to avoid triggers, and sometimes you don’t even know they are coming.

I don't have the answers, my usual response is to dissociate, whether it be amnesia or within my system, and this for me is dangerous as this is when tend to do my “risky” behaviour.

I did cut over the weekend. Well when I said I cut Rachel did. (For those who don’t know about my DID see here) it was her way of keeping control. The pain inside is so immense, and the flashbacks so intense that as a teenager she knows no other way to cope than to make the pain real. The strange thing is it doesn’t hurt when we are actually doing it, only after. I am not suggesting that people use self harm as a way to cope as it is very damaging, but its my way at the moment. I think self harm will have to be my next blog post! The banging of the fireworks that were coming from everywhere even though the weather was awful just sent us into sensory overdrive and reminded us of certain things to do with our abuse. Things we hadn’t really realised before.

That’s another thing about triggers sometimes they come out of the blue, or you just don’t understand (yet) why you react the way you do.

Sometimes you choose to go somewhere that you know is going to trigger you, but for a different reason, I think we mentioned about Elodie in my previous post, she was a very good friend who recently died. Her funeral was a trigger nightmare for us, because of the religious nature of our abuse, and we were desperately trying to stay “present” for Elodie, but found it so hard especially with the incense, something that immediately takes us back to the satanic ritualistic abuse that we suffered. But we, just about, did it. And it made us feel so proud that we faced things such as entering a church for something we had to do (say goodbye to Elodie) even though every bone of my body didn't want to go anywhere near the church.

If anyone has any ideas how we can cope with my too many to mention triggers please let us know, because we cant cope with all the triggers this time of year.

if you need help please look at Eastbourne Survivors Support Page

Sorry this is so depressing.

Love

Luce xxx

Breaking Free

Hey guys,

Sorry that it has been so long since I last was on here. I have spent more time in hospital this year than out of it, which has made keeping up with the blog quite difficult. I am out again, and planning on trying to stay out as long as I can.

I am waiting for my DID assessment with the psychologists. This is very nerve raking, but hopefully it will be soon now.

I have had many ideas for this post, but I am going to stick with breaking free. This post has come about as I have finally getting my possessions back from my parents, the last tie I had with them and from Wednesday night I hope to be free.

Getting these things (stuff I cant replace such as photos) is been really important to me and my parents have known this. They play mind games, and one of them is trying to asset some control over me. They know I don’t want anything to do with them once I get this stuff, and they are not happy with it. I can kinda understand this, I am their daughter and I am rejecting them, but for good reason with all the stuff that I have been through. They just don’t seem to get this. Anyway on Wednesday I hope there are no hitches and I can finally be free of them.

Breaking free is never easy, especially if the abuser is a care giver as in my case, but often its needed in order to start to process what has happened. This is just my opinion from my own experience. Whilst my parents still had control over me, which they did fr 27 years, I was unable to even tell anyone what was going on. I was really lucky and got my long term placement at Lavender, where I learnt to trust the staff and able to begin to open up. I know that this way is not possible for a lot of survivors, but there are plenty of ways, especially as adults to make one of the biggest choices and break free. This is in the media a lot with domestic violence, but is just as true for survivors. I know that a lot of people that I know the sexual may (not always) stop but the grooming and the emotional abuse will never stop, its the abusers way of getting control and also they're protective factor.

For me breaking free from my family back in 2011, was the best choice I have ever made. My parents used my mental health as a way to justify the huge control that they had over me, and now I am free of that and can become the person I was meant to be, rather than the person (ill) that they wanted. I have grown up and changed so much in the past 3 years, much more than I managed for a very long time.

I know that the church preaches that you should forgive, or in practice forgive and forget, and yes this works for some people...its there way to protect themselves, and if that works for them that is OK. But I don’t think that the church should be pushing this forgiveness stuff on people- its personal choice. Especially not of organisations, both the catholic and church of England, that he sat on abuse and protected the abusers...just look at the diocese of Chichester recently!!!

if you do decide to break free, you will almost certainly go through a grieving process, people who were (although mostly bad) part of your life, are suddenly not there. I know that I still have attachments to my parents, particularly my dad. But I know that this is the best decision I have made. I do occasionally miss them. But I think I don’t miss them, I miss the healthy bond that was meant to be there, and that I do not have...hope that makes sense. I know that the road ahead is going to be hard, I was abused by my dad for 22 years from the age of 5, as well as being subjected to Satanic Ritualistic Abuse. However from Wednesday I will be free of the control freaks, and be myself!!!

It may It will be strange, and unknown, but you will be free of the abuse and be able to rebuild your life how YOU want it

I hope that this post isn’t too pushy. Whatever coping mechanisms work for you now are needed for a reason, such as me and my dissociation and cutting, but maybe in the future I will be able to use more healthy ways to cope with my past. Its my past and I am never going to be able to change it, and its made me me, but now I can shape my own future!

Luce xxx

EDIT: i have my stuff and am waiting for the official documentation for my change of name!!

Survivors group has helped me

Hi Guys,

Sorry for not begin around, but didn’t have my laptop long in hospital as started doing leave. Although I found it difficult I know that its not an easy ride, and I accept that. As of today I am back home full time :)

As I think I have said before I go to a survivors group in Eastbourne, and I wanted to use this post, especially as I went tonight, to write about how I appreciate the group and what it does for me.

I started going over 2 years ago now, at first it was really scary, but I was leaving Lavender and I wanted somewhere I could go where I felt accepted and could talk about the issues of being a survivor. I have been to groups before and didn't get on with them, but they have all been behavioural therapy groups. So I was absolutely terrified before I walked in. I had so many questions going though my head, what would other people be like? Would people expect me to talk? And so on and so on. I soon found that although I was very very anxious I felt welcomed from the minute I walked through the door, and that support groups are very different to behavioural therapy groups where they want you to just modify your behaviour.

My friends are fantastic, and they are my family, but I wanted somewhere I could go that I didn’t feel that I was “putting on” them, not that my friends make me feel like that, but I sometimes (OK a lot) worry about it. The group I go to is unique because its for both male and female survivors and for their partners. I was scared by males at first, but I have found by going that I am actually less scared by them in the general world than I was before, as people have made me realise that not all males are out to get me, like in my history.

I feel appreciated and that people get me, and my dissociation as well as the DID. I find that when I talk I get good feedback with ideas that I can try, something that in a way that only people who have been there, in similar situations, can do.

As people know from reading this, I haven’t had the best of years, and the group, as well as my friends have been there. And I have made friends through the group. I am so glad that I took that step and walked through that door back in 2012, and didn’t run away as every bone in my body wanted me to do, as it has helped me survive!

Lots of love

Luce xxx

if you want more info on the group in Eastbourne, please go to the website 

im on the ward again

Hey guys,

Well I am back in hospital :( I am not sure when I can put this up as have no internet at the moment. But oh well, at least I have my laptop and can type away!

My mood is so low and this is why I was admitted, everything is so chaotic in my head, they are having arguments between themselves about what we should do...many of us are quite suicidal at the moment. I also have a “mini dad” screaming in my head about how Evil I am (nothing unusual there and I already know that I don’t need reminding ever two seconds) the new thing with him is that evilness is now on a continuum and the fact I am trying to eat and drink is making me more evil. OK I know that none of this is making any sense to anyone else, but in my mind we are a complete mess.

I have just gone back on antidepressant as everyone agreed that something needed to be done, but its going to take a while to get back up to the dose that I was on 3 months ago when I came off it and then for it to work. I honestly don’t know how much I can take. Its going to be a slow recovery this time, or at least it feels like it. I usually bounce back quite quickly, but I frankly don’t feel any better than I did when I came in here. Being in an acute mental health unit, and especially this one, has no therapeutic value for me, its no ones fault just that the staff aren’t trained in what I need. The other thing that is happening that is hopefully going to get me out of this cycle of being in and out of hospital is that I have been referred to the complex trauma team within the trust and they have a specialist in abuse and DID, so hopefully this referral comes through quite quickly as I need this support in order to move on with my life.

The unit is so changeable and sometimes it feels like that you have to be acting out to get any support as everyone is so busy, but that is probably my own perception and lack of confidence in seeking out for support at times when I am acutely distressed. I have my own little system to get support when I am able to put it in place (kinda depends on staff etc.) where I hand in a note. I find writing, as I have said many times before, so much easier than just talking. This is particularly at the moment where there just aren’t the words to speak what’s in my head.

Life is so hard right now. Everyone can see a little light, and at my slightly better moments I can, especially with the referral. But most of the time my life is dark, quite literally as needing to hide so not only have my hood up I keep putting my hair over my face (especially my eyes for some reason). It feels so much safer, I think because no one can see how vulnerable I am right now. When that happens bad things happen.

I am desperately trying to write this as just me, Lou, as then it can be slightly more coherent (not totally though as both I never am and I am just so exhausted!!) but its hard with everyone trying to take control.

Luce xxx (sat 12^th July 2014)

UPDATE

well its now 18^th July, and I am still in hospital. Things have slightly improved after starting the trazadone (antidepressant), and I get bits of feeling kinda OK (not brill but OK) but these are only bits, and it feels like someone has given me a cake, I've taken one bite and then they have snatched it away. Makes the dark times seem even worse and on my own. Ffs I am in a hospital full of people yet I feel completely alone at the moment.

Today is one of the bad days, even though its so hot and clammy up on the ward I am wearing my hoodie, and hoping like mad that I wont pass out. I feel physically not too good either, which I think is just because I am tired. I am sleeping better but yet I feel even more exhausted than ever which I just don't understand.

I am so close to bursting into tears. I hate crying. I hate feeling out of control as that’s when I am at my most risky as just cant cope with it, I don’t know if I am completely weird for that. But being out of control for me just reminds me that when I was a child I was never in control of my body. He had that, and that’s why my body isn't mine. I lost that a long time ago, its been taken, hurt and abused to the point it doesn’t belong to me any more.

As you can probably tell I am not in a great space. But too scared to talk to the staff as they are busy, and I am meant to be OK in the morning.

Hope that the next post is slightly more positive!!!

Luce xxx

Just because you feel rejection doesn't make you a Borderline

Hey guys,

2nd post in 3 days whoop! Getting good at this blogging malarkey!

Today blog is about rejection as the title suggests...god that sounds like a teacher talking sorry. The reason for this particular post is that it was my brother's 30th Yesterday and this has brought up a lot of feelings of rejection and abandonment for me. (thank you Sharnie for putting up with the test and Charley for talking to me for hours on Skype and keeping me busy, I am truly grateful for all the support that I get! And YOU for reading this blog!)

I want to suggest and show you that it is possible to feel these things and not necessarily have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder!

Many of you know that I am currently fighting my BPD/EUPD (Emotionally unstable personality disorder, the term used across the UK) as I feel that I have grown out of this diagnosis. I am glad that I have won a small battle and my primary diagnosis is now PTSD!

Anyway for some background....

Once my parents had become very much involved in my life again (Not a good thing in hindsight as this will show you) my BPD became very apparent as a lot of it was to do with the controlling nature of my mother (and later my father as well), and Rachel being extremely present (she's the very impulsive one, plus the Prozac when I was in hospital) I came very very impulsive and chaotic and displayed almost all the characteristics and diagnostic criteria, the only one not was anger. 

At this time I was overdosing a lot, and texting my brother as he was a doctor to ask what would happen to me. I was very unwell at the time and this is why I ended up being sectioned.

Then Lavender came, and I was able to feel safe enough to actually open up about the biggest trigger to my illness the abuse that my father inflicted on Lucy. This was the beginning of my healing process, and Lucy has made a lot of progress since then, with me now disputing that I even have the diagnosis as a whole (rather than the different parts of Lucy).

Sorry if I bored you with that, and sorry for the switchness, I will try and control this this post!

Anyway...

In the DSM V The first criteria for BPD is

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5. 

On the website Borderline world they interpret it as this, I think this is aimed at carers and other people that are involved with people with BPD

These traits can sometimes make it very difficult for a person to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD, as their behaviour and actions can be difficult to tolerate and hard to understand. It is important for those close to a BPD sufferer to educate themselves on the condition so that they can empathise with what the sufferer is going through and how they are feeling. 

Having had friends that have had BPD I can guess what they mean in terms of abandonment and rejection is that things like the fear of abandonment and rejection when they know that they are going nowhere is really difficult to understand unless you have been there!

(trying to be objective about this!!!)

Well now that I am fighting this diagnosis, it is possible that I will still feel these things, I might have borderline traits or maybe in this situation anyone would feel this way. I personally think that many people show the traits to borderline, as many react in a similar way.

Now via that detour back to my brother's 30th birthday. I felt sad that I couldn’t be a part of his celebrations (although he's in Spain according to facebook!) or be able to even send a card, as I don’t know where he lives, I am not friends with him on facebook, I don’t have his mobile number etc. etc. But also the feelings of abandonment and rejection by him came rearing its ugly head! 

I know that I had my part to play in the reasons that he has decided not to have me in his life, I was very unwell at the time and I wish I had the opportunity to show him how much I have changed. But I also know that my mother will have got to him after I came clean about the abuse that I suffered and the subsequent police investigation (and then the cutting of all ties to my parents), and that will have played a part in his decision too. Or at least this is what I can surmise from what I knew of him then. Or maybe he decided to take my lead in cutting from my family but I am pretty sure they are in some sort of contact. I cant read his mind and so I will never know why he has cut me from his life.

But the abandonment is real, the rejection is real, and I think a lot of people would feel the same if they were in my situation. 

I feel abandoned by him because he is the only real person (apart from my parents who I am sure are in complete denial about their role within our family) I feel that he is the only person who could not only verify my family situation as a kid, even if he had no idea of the abuse, we were a very dysfunctional family as a whole. And this of cause has had its part to play in my illness over the years. But mostly because I love him unconditionally and I thought he did to.

My rejection is also very very real. He one minute was talking to me, and coming to see me while he was at Brighton Pride (and this was after it all kicked off with my parents) the next a text saying he was only down for the day and couldn't meet up. And then nothing, not a thing, and nothing ever since. I wanted him for a short while to be my next of kin while I sorted it out, but no contact with either me or Lavender (Sharon, one of the nurses, bless her tried her hardest). Its such a big rejection when you are going through the hardest time of your life (a police investigation against your dad) to suddenly and a few weeks later be completely rejected by your brother hurts. It hurts big time. 

BUT you could say that these two thought patterns of mine are part and parcel of a BPD diagnosis but who wouldn’t feel like this when this has happened, who wouldn't feel hurt?

My example is a very current one as I explained, but smaller ones could be used. I do constantly check with my friends that I haven’t upset them (sorry guys) but that is actually against me having a BPD diagnosis as they just run with the idea that rejection and abandonment has taken place and either seek revenge or internalise it (I do realise that I am seriously generalising here) but they don't check it out! Also although I am very insecure about wondering if I upset people I don’t think for a minute they are going to run away as I don’t give them the reason to (or at least I hope that I don't) any more.

I have changed, and it is possible, BPD is not a life sentence!!!

Luce xxx

image sorced online and not my own