Triggers

Hey guys,

We are still out of hospital :)

This blog is around triggers, this is especially poignant for us at the moment, as one of ours is loud bangs, something you cannot get away from at this time of year...though hoping for a breather before new year!

Triggers affect many people in different ways, and everyone has them, whether it makes someone angry, sad or scared. For me, and I am guessing many people with PTSD certain triggers take them back to a time when they were not in control and a very scary time of their lives, the cause of their PTSD.

PTSD affects many people both from childhood trauma, being in front-line military to seeing something horrific, and I am sure that I have forgotten other causes.

The diagnostic criteria for PTSD (I have complex PTSD, which is slightly different)is as follows (paraphrased)

Criterion A: stressor 

The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence

Criterion B: intrusion symptoms

including intrusive flashbacks, memories, nightmares etc.

Criterion C: avoidance

Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood

negative emotions related to event such as shame guilt anger to name a few

Criterion E: alterations in arousal and reactivity

Irritable or aggressive behaviour

Self-destructive or reckless behaviour

Hypervigilance

Exaggerated startle response

Problems in concentration

Sleep disturbance

the biggest thing that brings all these together is the reaction to triggers, it relates all criteria B-E and I think I can see all of these in me.

Triggers are such a difficult thing to deal with. Knowing when they are coming is one thing but knowing what to do about it is another....avoidance (i.e. criteria C) being the biggest one. However it is not always possible to avoid triggers, and sometimes you don’t even know they are coming.

I don't have the answers, my usual response is to dissociate, whether it be amnesia or within my system, and this for me is dangerous as this is when tend to do my “risky” behaviour.

I did cut over the weekend. Well when I said I cut Rachel did. (For those who don’t know about my DID see here) it was her way of keeping control. The pain inside is so immense, and the flashbacks so intense that as a teenager she knows no other way to cope than to make the pain real. The strange thing is it doesn’t hurt when we are actually doing it, only after. I am not suggesting that people use self harm as a way to cope as it is very damaging, but its my way at the moment. I think self harm will have to be my next blog post! The banging of the fireworks that were coming from everywhere even though the weather was awful just sent us into sensory overdrive and reminded us of certain things to do with our abuse. Things we hadn’t really realised before.

That’s another thing about triggers sometimes they come out of the blue, or you just don’t understand (yet) why you react the way you do.

Sometimes you choose to go somewhere that you know is going to trigger you, but for a different reason, I think we mentioned about Elodie in my previous post, she was a very good friend who recently died. Her funeral was a trigger nightmare for us, because of the religious nature of our abuse, and we were desperately trying to stay “present” for Elodie, but found it so hard especially with the incense, something that immediately takes us back to the satanic ritualistic abuse that we suffered. But we, just about, did it. And it made us feel so proud that we faced things such as entering a church for something we had to do (say goodbye to Elodie) even though every bone of my body didn't want to go anywhere near the church.

If anyone has any ideas how we can cope with my too many to mention triggers please let us know, because we cant cope with all the triggers this time of year.

if you need help please look at Eastbourne Survivors Support Page

Sorry this is so depressing.

Love

Luce xxx

Breaking Free

Hey guys,

Sorry that it has been so long since I last was on here. I have spent more time in hospital this year than out of it, which has made keeping up with the blog quite difficult. I am out again, and planning on trying to stay out as long as I can.

I am waiting for my DID assessment with the psychologists. This is very nerve raking, but hopefully it will be soon now.

I have had many ideas for this post, but I am going to stick with breaking free. This post has come about as I have finally getting my possessions back from my parents, the last tie I had with them and from Wednesday night I hope to be free.

Getting these things (stuff I cant replace such as photos) is been really important to me and my parents have known this. They play mind games, and one of them is trying to asset some control over me. They know I don’t want anything to do with them once I get this stuff, and they are not happy with it. I can kinda understand this, I am their daughter and I am rejecting them, but for good reason with all the stuff that I have been through. They just don’t seem to get this. Anyway on Wednesday I hope there are no hitches and I can finally be free of them.

Breaking free is never easy, especially if the abuser is a care giver as in my case, but often its needed in order to start to process what has happened. This is just my opinion from my own experience. Whilst my parents still had control over me, which they did fr 27 years, I was unable to even tell anyone what was going on. I was really lucky and got my long term placement at Lavender, where I learnt to trust the staff and able to begin to open up. I know that this way is not possible for a lot of survivors, but there are plenty of ways, especially as adults to make one of the biggest choices and break free. This is in the media a lot with domestic violence, but is just as true for survivors. I know that a lot of people that I know the sexual may (not always) stop but the grooming and the emotional abuse will never stop, its the abusers way of getting control and also they're protective factor.

For me breaking free from my family back in 2011, was the best choice I have ever made. My parents used my mental health as a way to justify the huge control that they had over me, and now I am free of that and can become the person I was meant to be, rather than the person (ill) that they wanted. I have grown up and changed so much in the past 3 years, much more than I managed for a very long time.

I know that the church preaches that you should forgive, or in practice forgive and forget, and yes this works for some people...its there way to protect themselves, and if that works for them that is OK. But I don’t think that the church should be pushing this forgiveness stuff on people- its personal choice. Especially not of organisations, both the catholic and church of England, that he sat on abuse and protected the abusers...just look at the diocese of Chichester recently!!!

if you do decide to break free, you will almost certainly go through a grieving process, people who were (although mostly bad) part of your life, are suddenly not there. I know that I still have attachments to my parents, particularly my dad. But I know that this is the best decision I have made. I do occasionally miss them. But I think I don’t miss them, I miss the healthy bond that was meant to be there, and that I do not have...hope that makes sense. I know that the road ahead is going to be hard, I was abused by my dad for 22 years from the age of 5, as well as being subjected to Satanic Ritualistic Abuse. However from Wednesday I will be free of the control freaks, and be myself!!!

It may It will be strange, and unknown, but you will be free of the abuse and be able to rebuild your life how YOU want it

I hope that this post isn’t too pushy. Whatever coping mechanisms work for you now are needed for a reason, such as me and my dissociation and cutting, but maybe in the future I will be able to use more healthy ways to cope with my past. Its my past and I am never going to be able to change it, and its made me me, but now I can shape my own future!

Luce xxx

EDIT: i have my stuff and am waiting for the official documentation for my change of name!!

Survivors group has helped me

Hi Guys,

Sorry for not begin around, but didn’t have my laptop long in hospital as started doing leave. Although I found it difficult I know that its not an easy ride, and I accept that. As of today I am back home full time :)

As I think I have said before I go to a survivors group in Eastbourne, and I wanted to use this post, especially as I went tonight, to write about how I appreciate the group and what it does for me.

I started going over 2 years ago now, at first it was really scary, but I was leaving Lavender and I wanted somewhere I could go where I felt accepted and could talk about the issues of being a survivor. I have been to groups before and didn't get on with them, but they have all been behavioural therapy groups. So I was absolutely terrified before I walked in. I had so many questions going though my head, what would other people be like? Would people expect me to talk? And so on and so on. I soon found that although I was very very anxious I felt welcomed from the minute I walked through the door, and that support groups are very different to behavioural therapy groups where they want you to just modify your behaviour.

My friends are fantastic, and they are my family, but I wanted somewhere I could go that I didn’t feel that I was “putting on” them, not that my friends make me feel like that, but I sometimes (OK a lot) worry about it. The group I go to is unique because its for both male and female survivors and for their partners. I was scared by males at first, but I have found by going that I am actually less scared by them in the general world than I was before, as people have made me realise that not all males are out to get me, like in my history.

I feel appreciated and that people get me, and my dissociation as well as the DID. I find that when I talk I get good feedback with ideas that I can try, something that in a way that only people who have been there, in similar situations, can do.

As people know from reading this, I haven’t had the best of years, and the group, as well as my friends have been there. And I have made friends through the group. I am so glad that I took that step and walked through that door back in 2012, and didn’t run away as every bone in my body wanted me to do, as it has helped me survive!

Lots of love

Luce xxx

if you want more info on the group in Eastbourne, please go to the website 

im on the ward again

Hey guys,

Well I am back in hospital :( I am not sure when I can put this up as have no internet at the moment. But oh well, at least I have my laptop and can type away!

My mood is so low and this is why I was admitted, everything is so chaotic in my head, they are having arguments between themselves about what we should do...many of us are quite suicidal at the moment. I also have a “mini dad” screaming in my head about how Evil I am (nothing unusual there and I already know that I don’t need reminding ever two seconds) the new thing with him is that evilness is now on a continuum and the fact I am trying to eat and drink is making me more evil. OK I know that none of this is making any sense to anyone else, but in my mind we are a complete mess.

I have just gone back on antidepressant as everyone agreed that something needed to be done, but its going to take a while to get back up to the dose that I was on 3 months ago when I came off it and then for it to work. I honestly don’t know how much I can take. Its going to be a slow recovery this time, or at least it feels like it. I usually bounce back quite quickly, but I frankly don’t feel any better than I did when I came in here. Being in an acute mental health unit, and especially this one, has no therapeutic value for me, its no ones fault just that the staff aren’t trained in what I need. The other thing that is happening that is hopefully going to get me out of this cycle of being in and out of hospital is that I have been referred to the complex trauma team within the trust and they have a specialist in abuse and DID, so hopefully this referral comes through quite quickly as I need this support in order to move on with my life.

The unit is so changeable and sometimes it feels like that you have to be acting out to get any support as everyone is so busy, but that is probably my own perception and lack of confidence in seeking out for support at times when I am acutely distressed. I have my own little system to get support when I am able to put it in place (kinda depends on staff etc.) where I hand in a note. I find writing, as I have said many times before, so much easier than just talking. This is particularly at the moment where there just aren’t the words to speak what’s in my head.

Life is so hard right now. Everyone can see a little light, and at my slightly better moments I can, especially with the referral. But most of the time my life is dark, quite literally as needing to hide so not only have my hood up I keep putting my hair over my face (especially my eyes for some reason). It feels so much safer, I think because no one can see how vulnerable I am right now. When that happens bad things happen.

I am desperately trying to write this as just me, Lou, as then it can be slightly more coherent (not totally though as both I never am and I am just so exhausted!!) but its hard with everyone trying to take control.

Luce xxx (sat 12^th July 2014)

UPDATE

well its now 18^th July, and I am still in hospital. Things have slightly improved after starting the trazadone (antidepressant), and I get bits of feeling kinda OK (not brill but OK) but these are only bits, and it feels like someone has given me a cake, I've taken one bite and then they have snatched it away. Makes the dark times seem even worse and on my own. Ffs I am in a hospital full of people yet I feel completely alone at the moment.

Today is one of the bad days, even though its so hot and clammy up on the ward I am wearing my hoodie, and hoping like mad that I wont pass out. I feel physically not too good either, which I think is just because I am tired. I am sleeping better but yet I feel even more exhausted than ever which I just don't understand.

I am so close to bursting into tears. I hate crying. I hate feeling out of control as that’s when I am at my most risky as just cant cope with it, I don’t know if I am completely weird for that. But being out of control for me just reminds me that when I was a child I was never in control of my body. He had that, and that’s why my body isn't mine. I lost that a long time ago, its been taken, hurt and abused to the point it doesn’t belong to me any more.

As you can probably tell I am not in a great space. But too scared to talk to the staff as they are busy, and I am meant to be OK in the morning.

Hope that the next post is slightly more positive!!!

Luce xxx

Just because you feel rejection doesn't make you a Borderline

Hey guys,

2nd post in 3 days whoop! Getting good at this blogging malarkey!

Today blog is about rejection as the title suggests...god that sounds like a teacher talking sorry. The reason for this particular post is that it was my brother's 30th Yesterday and this has brought up a lot of feelings of rejection and abandonment for me. (thank you Sharnie for putting up with the test and Charley for talking to me for hours on Skype and keeping me busy, I am truly grateful for all the support that I get! And YOU for reading this blog!)

I want to suggest and show you that it is possible to feel these things and not necessarily have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder!

Many of you know that I am currently fighting my BPD/EUPD (Emotionally unstable personality disorder, the term used across the UK) as I feel that I have grown out of this diagnosis. I am glad that I have won a small battle and my primary diagnosis is now PTSD!

Anyway for some background....

Once my parents had become very much involved in my life again (Not a good thing in hindsight as this will show you) my BPD became very apparent as a lot of it was to do with the controlling nature of my mother (and later my father as well), and Rachel being extremely present (she's the very impulsive one, plus the Prozac when I was in hospital) I came very very impulsive and chaotic and displayed almost all the characteristics and diagnostic criteria, the only one not was anger. 

At this time I was overdosing a lot, and texting my brother as he was a doctor to ask what would happen to me. I was very unwell at the time and this is why I ended up being sectioned.

Then Lavender came, and I was able to feel safe enough to actually open up about the biggest trigger to my illness the abuse that my father inflicted on Lucy. This was the beginning of my healing process, and Lucy has made a lot of progress since then, with me now disputing that I even have the diagnosis as a whole (rather than the different parts of Lucy).

Sorry if I bored you with that, and sorry for the switchness, I will try and control this this post!

Anyway...

In the DSM V The first criteria for BPD is

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5. 

On the website Borderline world they interpret it as this, I think this is aimed at carers and other people that are involved with people with BPD

These traits can sometimes make it very difficult for a person to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD, as their behaviour and actions can be difficult to tolerate and hard to understand. It is important for those close to a BPD sufferer to educate themselves on the condition so that they can empathise with what the sufferer is going through and how they are feeling. 

Having had friends that have had BPD I can guess what they mean in terms of abandonment and rejection is that things like the fear of abandonment and rejection when they know that they are going nowhere is really difficult to understand unless you have been there!

(trying to be objective about this!!!)

Well now that I am fighting this diagnosis, it is possible that I will still feel these things, I might have borderline traits or maybe in this situation anyone would feel this way. I personally think that many people show the traits to borderline, as many react in a similar way.

Now via that detour back to my brother's 30th birthday. I felt sad that I couldn’t be a part of his celebrations (although he's in Spain according to facebook!) or be able to even send a card, as I don’t know where he lives, I am not friends with him on facebook, I don’t have his mobile number etc. etc. But also the feelings of abandonment and rejection by him came rearing its ugly head! 

I know that I had my part to play in the reasons that he has decided not to have me in his life, I was very unwell at the time and I wish I had the opportunity to show him how much I have changed. But I also know that my mother will have got to him after I came clean about the abuse that I suffered and the subsequent police investigation (and then the cutting of all ties to my parents), and that will have played a part in his decision too. Or at least this is what I can surmise from what I knew of him then. Or maybe he decided to take my lead in cutting from my family but I am pretty sure they are in some sort of contact. I cant read his mind and so I will never know why he has cut me from his life.

But the abandonment is real, the rejection is real, and I think a lot of people would feel the same if they were in my situation. 

I feel abandoned by him because he is the only real person (apart from my parents who I am sure are in complete denial about their role within our family) I feel that he is the only person who could not only verify my family situation as a kid, even if he had no idea of the abuse, we were a very dysfunctional family as a whole. And this of cause has had its part to play in my illness over the years. But mostly because I love him unconditionally and I thought he did to.

My rejection is also very very real. He one minute was talking to me, and coming to see me while he was at Brighton Pride (and this was after it all kicked off with my parents) the next a text saying he was only down for the day and couldn't meet up. And then nothing, not a thing, and nothing ever since. I wanted him for a short while to be my next of kin while I sorted it out, but no contact with either me or Lavender (Sharon, one of the nurses, bless her tried her hardest). Its such a big rejection when you are going through the hardest time of your life (a police investigation against your dad) to suddenly and a few weeks later be completely rejected by your brother hurts. It hurts big time. 

BUT you could say that these two thought patterns of mine are part and parcel of a BPD diagnosis but who wouldn’t feel like this when this has happened, who wouldn't feel hurt?

My example is a very current one as I explained, but smaller ones could be used. I do constantly check with my friends that I haven’t upset them (sorry guys) but that is actually against me having a BPD diagnosis as they just run with the idea that rejection and abandonment has taken place and either seek revenge or internalise it (I do realise that I am seriously generalising here) but they don't check it out! Also although I am very insecure about wondering if I upset people I don’t think for a minute they are going to run away as I don’t give them the reason to (or at least I hope that I don't) any more.

I have changed, and it is possible, BPD is not a life sentence!!!

Luce xxx

image sorced online and not my own

Fathers day

hi guys,

Well it's fathers' day in the UK, and I am desperately trying to keep busy as I find it incredibly difficult especially as its my brothers birthday tomorrow, a day of rejection but that’s for another post!

I'll start with what I wrote in my journal for my CPN, it kinda encapsulates how I am right now....

Well its fathers' day and I am struggling. Wanna cry but can't. I am so confused by everything. My dad did what he did to me and I completely and utterly hate him for that – sorry trying to keep control. But, it wasn’t all bad, like when he used to read to us until lights out, or more likely we were asleep first. But that memory is tinted with what happened after – there were others (good memories that is) I just cant remember any of them. Why can't I remember them? I just remember the bad stuff, all the hurt and pain, all the lies and manipulation and it still goes on, inside my head.

I'll stop there as Rachel takes over and that not a good thing!

I think for many whose abuser is a family member they might be able to relate to that, how there are good bits, good memories but they are taken over by the completely catastrophic bad stuff, whether the abuse physical, sexual or emotional. Or at least in my experience that’s what happens. 

However in some way this would make things easy, as you can just hate the abuser and not have to get confused by it all, but nothing is ever all bad or all good. Sometimes a good memory comes in, not when you want it though,  but for me it always seems tinged by everything else that has gone on. Like when my dad was so excited that I was home for my first Christmas after I started uni, he gave me a huge hug, but of cause he had more than one reason to be happy that I was home.

While I have been trying to write this – its been a lot harder than I thought it would be – I have been trying to think of good memories, birthdays or something, but nothing really forms...am I the only one? And the bits that do form always are tinged with his stuff (sorry just can't write that word right now, its far too close to home), plus with my mother being so emotionally abusive as well, good memories were always few and far between

Maybe if I could understand why, just why, then maybe I could deal with all the crap of my life and heal...but that is far too simple even I know that. I do know some of his history, 

For all of us fathers' day isn’t a good day, we are a whole in some ways, and our dislike of today is one of those, whoever I am, whatever age that they are there is always something that means that today isn’t a great one, its just full of how father's should be, and how far from that reality mine is. 

I mean who takes a 5 year old to a group of the occult? And explains it as getting the evil out of them? A FIVE year old? They are full of innocence and playfulness, why inflict that on LuLu? 

OMG I hate that name, that's what HE calls me.

See I keep flittering between people (another reason that this is hard) but one of (I don't think you have met char) sees everything in the 3rd person and so can see the real horror of it, but when we are any of the others it hurts like hell, and I, Lou, still believe that I am evil, and that he was only trying to make best out of a bad situation, I mean what other parent wouldn't want to fix a child? But for Rosie, she just is hurt, physically, emotionally and mentally by the whole situation, but it is her that it happened to.

Right I am going to go, as this isn’t working out as I’d hoped and is getting very confusing in my head as everyone wants to talk :(

Luce xxxx

Food, Control and me

TRIGGER – Quite Explicit with EATING DISORDERS, SELF-HARM, and ABUSE

Hey guys,

Well I'm out of hospital completely 2 weeks tomorrow :) it feels good to be free, but the fight doesn’t stop there it carries on...well that sounds so positive, not quite how I feel right now, I am struggling the last few days, but on the whole I am a million times better than I was before I went into hospital.

This post came about after a discussion at a survivors group I go to, around the need for control...so this is my take on it. I know that this is something that I have talked about on here, but things change, new ideas come about etc., and this is something that I will always have close to my heart (after all my undergraduate dissertation was around Anorexia!)

Food has been my control for a very long time, my body isn’t mine, so why should I care what I do to it? It belongs, as I have said before, to the people who took it from me time after time after time.

I feel completely out of control, because of the dissociation (that is still happening regularly), because of the flashbacks, because life is not something that you can really, honestly, control, they took that away from me. But I cant cope with being out of control so have to do something to stay in control in comes the eating disorder. This has more than one use, but for the moment I will keep on the control. Food, at least in the First World, is something people can control, whether it is controlling intake to the point of Anorexia, binging and purging, or comfort eating. I go from not eating very much to the binging and purging, and I honestly cannot remember a time that I did not do this. Unlike my self-harm this is a lot more hidden, there are no (at least external) scars that anyone can see.

When I am restricting I feel so much in control, seeing the numbers go down on the scale just reinforces that control for me. But I cant keep this up for ever, I can go weeks, even months doing the restricting, and then something happens and I have to start eating at least vaguely normally and this freaks me out so I purge, and this little cycle continues.  I am in control of my food intake, or at least I like to think that I am. I feel so much better knowing that there is something in this world that I can control.

I haven’t regularly partaker in taking laxatives for a few years, but every so often it rears its ugly head and that come part of the control. What I cant get out from making myself sick I get out the other way. But for many laxatives are a regular intake and I completely get it, it got to the point in Bangor where no place would sell them to me, even though I was “rotating” where I got them from, and I did begin to steal them...you think this would shock me into stopping -  tablets are the only thing I have ever stolen from a shop – but no, the only reason I stopped is I ended up in ITU after a fire and so stopped for 4 weeks and then lived at home for 6 months which made it difficult and so the regular daily diet of laxatives stopped. For me the number of laxatives I took was control too, I took the exact number I needed to for the result I wanted. It did involve increasing the number as you get used to senekot very quickly!

Men, if you can call them that, the paedophiles and rapists that took my control away did it systematically, whether it be over a few minutes (as in one rape) or over several years. They have the control in my head, telling me that I am Evil, that I am worthless, that I am there's even now, now that I have no contact with no single one of them. Every single minute in my head they are telling me this. And I still completely believe them. I think everyone gets frustrated with me because it must seem like I am getting nowhere with it, but as someone once told me I had 27 years of the 32 years of my life of this, a few years of people telling me that I am not, isn’t going to even dent the trauma from that. See they still have control over me. And that what they want, they want that every single second there control is over me. And I am so so scared it will never go away that I will never get “real” control back...whatever that is!

As I said eating disorders, such as my own, have another use, and so does my self harm. For each person it is different for me it is about getting the evil out of me. Black Magic when I was little didn’t help, so every time I purge, have diarrhoea because of laxative abuse, cut, I am ridding myself of that evil. But not just the evil that I was born with, the evil that they have put in me. As I do with my eating this is often (not always) a cycle for me, going from the eating to the self-harm and so forth.  I need to rid myself of my body. Its not that I want to die, cause its not my head that what I want to rid myself of, but of them.

I am sorry that this has been so blunt, and hope that the trigger warning at the beginning means that people are not too much affected (but going to do here is a link to b-eat the eating disorders charity in the UK, and National Self Harm Network as well as a link to Eastbourne Survivors Resources page). Looking back I sound angry, that is not what I meant to come across, I am just a scared little girl, namely Tracheal, who has no other way to cope. This leads me onto the last thing that I want to say, whatever maladaptive coping strategies that you use, whether like me its food and self-harm, or whether its drugs, alcohol or sex its what’s keeping you ALIVE! Don't beat yourself up about it :)


Luce xxx

Life on the ward

Over the last few posts I mentioned that I was in hospital. I am now in an alternative to admission/step down house...its so much better:) anyway I thought I would write a blog on being on a psych ward!

When I was first admitted back at the beginning of March (8 weeks ago..eeek) there were no NHS beds in my local trust at all, so I was sent to the Priory in Hove. Bed shortage is a national problem, with 104 beds cut across here, and 1,700 beds being cut across the country since 2011. This is backdropped with the inequality in funding between acute (general) trusts and especially acute hospitals and mental health trusts...but that’s for a different post.

So lets get back to me! I had reached complete crisis point, and my CPN was really worried because of my thoughts, an so the crisis team were involved and I was admitted to the local psych unit for a week, I was given a week by Dr Cruella (not her real name) and so unconciouslly pretend I was a lot better than I was and was released. 10 days later after an OD I was seen by the crisis team who basically told me to just get on with it...I wasn’t coping I had gone back to work with service user involvement far too soon, the dissociation was extremely bad (which is how I took the OD as I was dissociating at the time) but I was sent home none the less. Two hours later I was back in A&E having self harmed and had to see the crisis team once again. This time they were a lot more sympathetic and understanding. This is not like me any more, I don’t do things for “attention” I was really suffering and in major distress. Luckily they took notice. They gave me the choice whether to go home overnight and go to The Sanctuary in the morning (an alternative to admission house) or be admitted that night. As I cant control my dissociation, and I was in so much distress – which increases the dissociation – I decided to allow them to admit me. Looking back it was the right decision. I couldn't guarantee my safety, and I needed the support of being an inpatient - and 8 weeks later I was discharged.

The Priory was amazing from any mental health or physical health ward I had ever been on!  It was a complete eye opener to how the other side live. The Priory was much calmer than any unit I have ever been in – and that’s a few! I think (and one of the staff told me) that because its private (although a lot of people were using their insurance) people came in a lot earlier than is possible in the NHS, and so don't get to that crisis point that I had. The rooms were lovely and having a TV in there was very useful as it meant that when I didn't want to socialise that I didn’t have to, also I could watch what I wanted to rather than what everyone wanted to. So the environment in general was a lot better and cared for...not saying that the NHS isn't, just the private sector tend to have a lot more money. The main difference for me was that the staff ratio was a lot higher and so people had time for you and had more time to be able to talk to you as well as medication. Although I was on 15 minute obs the whole two weeks and wasn’t allowed out on my own, they always managed to have someone to take me out if Gemma was unable to come (she worked down the road!!). At first I was extremely nervous and thought that the other patients would look down on me because I was an NHS patient rather than a private one, but this wasn’t the case at all, we all got on really well. Obviously I got on better with some people than others, as in any situation. But no one looked down on me for being in a private hospital paid for by the NHS.

I was there for 2 weeks, and the best thing that happened in the long term is that they really looked at my issues and what medication would help, which has meant an almost complete change, and it is helping. They have given me an anti-anxiety (pregablin) one to improve my sleep...a complete change to how the NHS was treating it with sleeping tablets, as my biggest problem with sleep wasn’t that I couldn't it was that I was so scared of it that I fought it, as I think that I have mentioned before. Also although there is no medication that helps stop dissociation (only therapy) the medication that he added to my anti-psychotic (aripriprozole) were a mood stabiliser (lamotrogine), as there were anecdotal evidence that this combination can help with dissociation to some degree. I think that this is because it helps with the PTSD and distress with this and so reduces the feelings of being overwhelmed which lead to the dissociation. At this point I hadn’t really mentioned the DID, and so this wasn’t part of the conversation we had. I have found that some doctors, consultants especially in the NHS (and even more within mental health) have a very Us and Them attitude, even with the growing service user movement. This was not the case with the Doctor that I had in the Priory, it was a joint decision. I am not saying that in the NHS this is never the case – in fact I know its not having had a brilliant psychiatrist in north Wales – or that all private sector doctors were as good as Dr Rank. He explained all the pros and cons of the medication change and that he wasn’t going to stop my antidepressant until the lamotragine was up to therapeutic dose as it takes a while as is done slowly. I think the big thing was I had faith in him, and that he knew what he was doing and was doing it in my best interests.

The other difference from the NHS is that there is a program of CBT therapy all day every day. I guess if your paying £600 a night you expect some kind of therapy to help you recover. I am sure that the NHS would love to be able to do this, but constraints mean that this isn’t possible...but more of that later. I joined in a few of the groups, both on anxiety and depression. They weren't basic CBT, but a lot more in-depth, for instance a group was on Marlow's Hierarchy of Need, and another afternoon group (hour and a half) on challenging the automatic negative thoughts, and many others. However there was no pressure to attend the groups if you didn't feel well enough. For the Private patients they was also indervidual therapy. They were going to allow me to have a few sessions, but I was moved...

Then came the fateful day that they had a phone call from my local NHS unit, and I was recalled back. I literally cried for the hour I had to pack before the taxi arrived! And it was a shock back to reality. Back to the NHS where the nurses and the MDT (multidisciplinary team) have so much paperwork that they find it difficult to have time for patients, and where people are a lot more ill because of the lack of beds so people are a lot more ill when they are admitted.

I was lucky in that I knew the staff and they still knew me. I also knew that they were approachable should I need time, but in the 6 weeks that I was on the ward I can count on my hands the number of times that my named nurse came to see me and most (All except one) were my primary nurse, came to talk to me. I have no idea what is written as most of the time I kept myself to myself, and away from any dramas.

Like in any hospital, whether it be physical or mental, NHS or private night staff do have the most time for patients, its a pity that most of the time most people (not me!) are asleep!

The major difference for me from going from the Priory to NHS was activities. The Activity workers really did try their best to have activities as much as possible and as much wide variety to suit all the patients on the 36 bed unit. But apart from the one basic session of CBT a week there is no therapy. They are lucky that they now have a psychologist in post and that is a massive step in the right direction, but she is overworked for the amount that is needed from what I saw. But there is no specialised support, for example no hearing voices group for people who are hearing voices so that they could use peer support with a facilitator to be able to learn different ways to cope with their symptoms and therefore maybe help them get better. Sorry getting on my high horse again about how I would do things.

6 weeks now seems like a long time, but it really wasn’t. I made friends, friends that I hope to have for a very long time, we had laughs, we supported each other and became close. It is a very intense environment to be in, but that intensity can be used for good.

As you can probably guess I didn't get on with my consultant on the ward. It would make me physically sick knowing that I had to see her. I really tried to make the most of it, and explain what I wanted and needed from her by writing it down. In the most important ward round of them all (the one when I was meant to be discharged back to a flat that I just wasn’t coping in) my CPN was fantastic and very well advocated for me and my discharge was delayed! I also believe I wasn’t well enough to be discharged at that point, but she just didn't seem to get that from me. I feel that because I have an Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder secondary diagnosis some psychiatrists don't feel that long admissions are good for this diagnosis. What I say is take people as they are and what they need rather than by their diagnosis!!!

The worst ward round of them all was my last one. I was hoping that it would have been a nice goodbye type of ward round I couldn’t have been more wrong. I had been refused criminal compensation for what I had been through and was asking for her to write a letter in support of my application to appeal. Dr Cruella said that I should just forget my past...if I could do that I would have done it a long time ago!

I seem to be very down on the NHS, its not that, just that because there is less money than in the private sector that there is less opportunities. But I do think that at least most people whether they work for private or the NHS are in the job because they care, and that did come across in both places.

I am glad to be out of hospital now, and looking forward to moving to a more suitable accommodation.

Luce xxx

me right now

Hi guys,

Well I am out of the acute system :) I am currently at the Sanctuary, which is a house where people who need to be away from home, but don't need hospital admission come, and like me some come directly from hospital. I have got my date to move into the shared house, so things should be all positive, but it seems like life doesn’t work like this! Today I have had a good day as I met a friend for lunch and a bit of shopping, but I am struggling, if I am honest really struggling, and this post instead of being a more reflective one, is how I am thinking at the moment. It probably wont be as structured etc. as most of mine, but this is what I need to do right now...so I hope you guys don’t mind :)

I think that everyone has disordered thinking to some degree, and it affects people differently depending on their mental state (which fluctuates for everyone).

My thinking for me gets me into a lot of trouble, not trouble in the police type of sense, but trouble for me and my mental health and behaviour. Thoughts start to roll, and one goes into the next and so on. For me these thoughts are not particularly nice ones, and they get worse as they roll into one and another one etc. This is when I get overwhelmed and can dissociate (see my post here).

One of my big ones for me is that I am evil. This is one of my core beliefs, and I find it very difficult to see any other way when I am any of me. However if I am looking at myself as someone else I can see how this has come about and how its at least questionable. My abuser told me that I was evil and that why he did what he did to me, and why he took me to the group of men (ritualistic sexual abuse). I have completely taken this on board and everything that I do I see as a reason that I am evil. For example if I say something to someone that upsets them, even though I didn’t mean to, this is because I am evil. As an “outside person” I can see how my belief has come about and that as a 5 year old you take what adults say as face value, especially parents, and as it was repeated to me, even on a daily basis, you do come to believe it. The nearest that I have got to questioning this myself is with my psychologist at Lavender, who made me (kind of) realise that someone who is evil doesn’t worry about it, yet I do, a lot! This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, and for that I am sorry. I am trying to write this as objectively as I can, but hard when a core belief that you have is one that no one else believes, and even you wouldn’t believe them if it was someone else, but to you rules your life.

I am sure that I have mentioned triggers before. But not only do I have external triggers I have internal ones too. In that I mean that one thought that leads to another, can, and often does lead to flashbacks, as the thought has reminded me of something in the past. I can go from something as simple as “I’m feeling quite low” to thinking about why I am feeling low and although I have had no external trigger my mind has gone back, back to a place that I never ever want to go to again. But it feels like I am never ever going to get away.

The consultant at the hospital told me I just had to forget my past, as if it was that simple! Things like the previous two paragraphs are why this isn't so simple. It feels to me like she was dismissing what I had experienced, as if something that most people would just deal with. I would like to know who could deal with years and years (20+) of abuse by their dad and Satanic Ritualistic Abuse when they were a child and just forget it. Sorry as you can tell my head is all over the place today, which is why I don’t usually write posts when I am in this mood, as it gets all emotional...hence me sitting writing this in tears.

That is another thing I find so difficult, crying. For many it may seem a release, and that lack of control that comes with it is good. For me it terrifies me, with all the rolling thoughts and the flashbacks that I have been getting this evening especially, its like that control has completely gone. And now I am crying I have lost it all. Being able to appear “normal” whatever that is, when inside I am falling apart is one of my ways of coping, as so scared of being hurt again, as when your feeling so vulnerable, that’s when the biggest risk of being hurt is, or that is my experience!

Certain times of day are worst for me, and as you can probably tell that now is one of them. Something someone one said has stuck with me, that my body remembers the “risky” times (i.e. like now bed time) and that is when my mood drops (it starts around 3:30...after school) even further. Does this make sense to anyone else?

I haven't self harmed in 6 weeks, for me this is a long time, and although its all building up, especially with talking in recent times about the SRA, and literally while I have been admitted about the DID, this is probably understandable. I have no intention of self harming whilst I am here, and I know that I wont, because that's the rules. But I guess the last few paragraphs, me crying etc. is because I haven’t self harmed and made all the feelings go away. This right now doesn’t feel very nice, anything but nice, but that explains a lot.

I am really really sorry that this is so jumbled. But I thought that I could trust people who read this that it would be OK to write a post in one go (which I very rarely do) and one that’s truly from my heart right now.

Luce xxx

sleep

hey guys,

Thought that I would write this pots around sleep and the lack of it. This is very relevant for me at the moment as over the weekend I didn't sleep – finally slept last night after 4 nights.

For me sleep and I have always had a love hate relationship. I have had long periods where I have really struggled to have a “normal” sleeping pattern and almost became nocturnal at stages. When I was at Lavender slowly I managed to change it so that I slept at night. This, however, was probably because I felt safe there. One thing about me and sleep is the nightmares, and that why I need to feel safe somewhere to be able to sleep. This probably makes very little sense to a lot of people, but for those who it does – your not alone!!! feeling safe meant that I was able to let the nightmares happen (as they didn't stop) but be able to deal with them in a very different way and so able to go back to sleep. To some extent I have been able to do that here on the ward as well.

As my CPN has said about my whole relationship with sleep especially when I was in the flat and didn't feel safe, was that it wasn't that I couldn’t sleep it was that I was so scared of it that I fought it. As is probably quite obvious the reason that I was so anxious of it was because of the nightmares and how real that they feel. Although I get flashbacks and body memories a lot of the day too, I find night times worse, partly because its dark and so harder to ground myself, but if I am awake I can at least try and control what is going on, where as when I am asleep this is impossible. I think that this says a lot about me, and how I need to be so much in control of everything, because the thought of being out of control is another thing that really scares me. I also need to be able to rationalise everything and understand it, and nightmares by their nature are not easy to do this.

Anyway enough about me!

Insomnia termed as; inability to obtain sufficient sleep, especially when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep;sleeplessness – by the dictonary .com )

There are many reasons that lead someone to have problems with sleep, I have explained mine, but anything from chronic pain, through depression and anxiety to serious physical illness'. But I will concentrate on depression and anxiety as these are the things that also have a huge impact on my sleep.

In general anxiety causes a difficulty in getting to sleep, because the mind has been unable to shut down due to worrying or other anxiety symptoms. I also find that ruminating also causes difficulty to get to sleep. This also happens when someone is stressed with work or family although this tends to be acute insomnia rather than chronic that can be found in serious anxiety disorders. Early wakening is a sign of depression. Of cause this is not the case in all people, and sleep is just one symptom of many in both these disorders. (or at least this is what I can find on Wiki and what I remember from the food and mood course that I ran!).

Well that a quick look into the reasoning for insomnia without going into loads of scientific detail -  I can't cope with that right now. And there is only so much by knowing about something that it will help....so what does help?

As the picture shows there is stuff that you can do. I know that it depends on person to person as I personally have my TV on as I find that the light and noise bring me back quicker from a nightmare, and my routine of getting up and having a ciggie as a way to bring my head away from what happened in it goes against everything in sleep hygiene but it works for me. These are just ideas, you have to find what’s right for you.

Sleep hygiene I think is something that is gone on about in mental health that I know that I stop listening! So I hope that this post helps you bring back ideas that might help you sleep better.

love 

Luce xxx

ps sorry that this isn't a great post this is what lack of sleep does to me!!!

Coping Stratagies

Hey Guys!

I am still in hospital, I am waiting for a placement at a group home. I am still having pretty bad days, which is why I am doing this particular post...a more positive one! After the last few posts that have been around my symptoms, I thought that I would write a post that is about my coping strategies and other ideas that people have tried.

Everyone has their own coping strategies to deal with stress, whether it is coming home after a hard day at work and having a glass of wine, or walking the dog to get out of the house as its stressing you out. People with mental health problems have to get their own coping strategies to deal with the different symptoms that they may have. This is no different from someone with a physical health problem doing what they need to take care of themselves! This is what coping strategies are for me, a way to keep myself safe and taking care of myself (although some of mine are quite maladaptive, but as I am trying to keep this post quite positive I wont go into those!)

I have learnt these from all over the place, from the behavioural therapies that I have done, and other therapy work, to friends both “real” and online.

With self harm there are a large number of websites that not only give information but also have alternatives to self harm such as the national self-harm network has a downloadable list, some might not be your thing, but others maybe worth a try. Although many of these don’t give the same release as self harm does (its been proven that it releases endorphins – the happy hormone – and that’s why many people continue to self harm), my reasons are in a previous post its also important for me to remind you that I no longer self harm when I am aware of what I am doing. The two that are meant to give the nearest to self harm are pinging an elastic band on your wrist or holding ice cubes in something. These don't leave determinant damage but seem to work in some self harmer. For me this doesn’t work and actually makes me want to self harm more, but one thing that does work for me if I ever get the urge to cut when I am mostly dissociating  (And this happens when I am dissociating as well but doesn’t work as well) is writing all over my arms what I feel about myself in red pen. But, you just have to try things and find out what works for you.

Dissociation also has many coping strategies, both to deal with the amnesia and DID that I talked about in my last post. They tend to be called grounding techniques and over the years I have learnt many, some work some don't but that’s different for different people. For example, me, I cant cope with anything that focuses on the body as this tends to freak me out rather than help me. People who have worked with me have used the senses in order to stay in the here and now. You can use any sense – sight, sound, smell, speech taste or touch – although I find when I am dissociating the first things to go are that my hearing and sight become “fuzzy”.  The idea of this is to having something so strong that it helps you stay in reality.

Ones that have really helped me is having something really smelly (hopefully a nice one!) that isn’t related to the trauma on a rag or something you can carry around in your pocket. I use obus oil (thank you Amy for giving me this idea!). This way that if you can feel yourself going anywhere you can smell this – even if it is a hundred times – while reminding yourself that you are in 2014 and that you are safe.

The other one that I have just started using is taste. When I was at Lavender Doge, one of the staff always said try chilli – although that never appealed to me, and it might look a bit weird carrying it around. I carry around chewing gum, as the strong mint taste helps. With this it needs to be a strong taste, otherwise it won't work. Also if i have someone with me when I start to go a cold water (it has to be cold) can help – also splashing cold or hot water works – and all this is to change the sensations and so that grounds you.

Although I have said sight doesn’t work for me when I am going into a dissociative state, it does when I am coming out of it, and one thing that my old psychologist and I used to do was pick 3 things in the room and then say 3 things about it. It may seem simple but I can tell you it is so difficult. Another one I have heard about is choosing a colour before hand and finding all the things in that room that are that colour.

Sound never really works for me, although music is important to me (see later), it doesn’t ground me in the ways that the others do. Like in the other senses, simple things are the best! Listen to what’s around you, can you hear cars outside? Or the birds singing? What's the quietest sound you can hear? Put your favourite song on your MP3 player or stereo and listen to ever lyric. I have to thank Fort Refuge website for this as was really struggling with how to use sounds.

With speech there are various things that you can say that will remind you that you are in the hear and now. One is you can repeat to yourself a mantra such as “I am Lucy and I am safe now, no one is going to hurt me” another or the date, prime minister etc. A friend of mine does mental arithmetic, or you could repeat the states of America (if you know them!). Its about using your brain in a way that won't let it switch off. I also find using these also takes you away from the trigger that s overwhelming you.

Now touch- this one I really struggle with, and I also know a lot of people who have had trauma that their body doesn't feel their own, and so this may not work. But then again, I also know that it really works for some people. A lot of it is mindfulness techniques, which I learnt a lot of when I was doing the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) in Bangor. Simple things like feeling your feet on the floor and bum on seat, but really feel how your feet feel on the floor and how the seat feels against you.

One that I do is find a safe space in a room, for me this is a small area, and sit on the floor and remi
These are all simple things, but they need to be to be so that when you are in that state that you can remember what to do., especially if you are on your own.

OK, I will get onto the coping strategies that I use, I hope that this helps someone!

The biggest thing in my life (apart from my friends) is music. There is different ways that I use it. I use it to drown out the arguments between my alters and other voices that I have in my head such as the “ED Voice”, I constantly have my pod on in here and when I am out and when I am home (wherever that may be) I either have my music or TV on to try and help drown out these. When I am at home and all the voices I here are really loud I put on my iPod on with my ear phones. I know that people that hear voices as part of their psychosis music can be really important to drown out these. The music you listen to is also very important, it can change your mood, or …. how you are feeling. For example if I am feeling sad and weepy listening to one of my favourite songs Concrete Angel (by Martina McBride) can actually mean that I can let my feelings out. However if I was very angry and wanted to calm down, listening to Nirvana say isn’t going to help you calm down, its just like watching a particular film and how it makes you feel. I hope that you understand what I mean.

Another big one for me is walking. Its an exercise that I really enjoy and its a natural way of releasing endorphins and keeping yourself fit (after all your physical health impacts on your mental health just as it is the other way around), this is important especially if you are on particular psychiatric medication, as it also helps kick off your metabolism. I find walking so peaceful along the sea and it helps make me realise that my problems are just a small part of the world, even though they are currently a big part of me. I am very lucky living by the sea as the waves and smell is so relaxing. Another reason that I like walking is that it gives me time to think rather than just reacting and ending up in self destruct mode. I can try to rationalise things that don’t make sense originally and try to make sense of me and the world. I don’t always succeed in getting answers but I am one of those people who need to understand what is going on, and what has gone on and how it affects me now (without hopefully completely dissociating). I also found getting out of the flat when lived there helped make me feel more safe. For some reason being by the sea makes me feel so safe and know that no one will hurt me again, as I am stronger so wont let it happen again! Having written this I have realised how much walking means to me, rather than it just being a way to exercise (which I am slightly obsessed with) but a way to deal with issues in my head by giving me a quiet space to think things through without the fear of automatically going into self destruct mode!

The final one that I am going to explain (after all this is getting quite long!) is talking to people, whether you are talking to professionals about what is going on with you, or friends about their latest news. Connecting with people is so important. I know that when I get unwell one of the first things that happens is I start to isolate. I know for a lot of people the worse time is when the professionals aren't available, so whether its you call or text a friend, or even ring someone like the Samaritans or other helplines (see the Eastbourne Survivors website for a list of help, they also have a resources page for survivors). Isolating isn’t good, while it might feel the best thing to do, it just makes things 10 times worse – and that is from personal experience. I know that I find ringing helplines very difficult, and I am really lucky that I have really good friends, but some of the help is online or via text. Just reach out and not feel alone. Another way to do this is to go out. I know that my body and mind are screaming at me that this is the wrong thing to do, and it doesn’t always work, but being around strangers reminds you that you are not the only one around and that helps!

I really hope that this can help people.

Just keep Swimming!!!

Love
Luce xxx

Dissocation and me

Hey guys,

Once again I am sorry for not being around, I have been in hospital for the last month and only just got my laptop. This post is very relevant for me, as the main reason I am in hospital is because of my dissociation, and the risks involved in it. Looking back it seems that I haven't done a post just on my dissociation, although I know that I have mentioned it a lot throughout this blog!

According to Wiki  Dissociation means;

In Psychology, dissociation describes a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience.

This means different things to different people. I think I gave the example before of driving somewhere familiar and not remembering the journey, this is dissociation, but a very mild form that many people do, and not a problem, you could be daydreaming and not realise the amount of time that has passed. For me I have a much more severe type of Dissociation.

I was going to try and explain the different parts, but here is wiki's explanation (much better than anything that I could do...)

More pathological dissociation involves dissociation disorders including dissociative fugue and depersonalization disorder with or without alterations in personal identity or sense of self. These alterations can include: a sense that self or the world is unreal (depersonalization and derealization); a loss of memory (amnesia); forgetting identity or assuming a new self (fugue); and fragmentation of identity or self into separate streams of consciousness Dissociation Identity Disorder formerly termed multiple personality disorder) and complex post traumatic stress disorder

(I know that this website should be taken with a pinch of salt, but its the best explanation online that I have found!)

Well enough about the different types in terms of definitions, and onto what this blog is really about – how it affects me (and other people).

I have two types of dissociation, the Amnesia and DID (dissociation Identity Disorder).

The amnesia means that I loose time, its a bit like the daydreaming idea, but a hell of a lot more severe. This is when I am most at risk, such as cutting and overdosing – which makes it so dangerous as I am not aware of what I am doing! This came about as a safety mechanism to deal with the difficult circumstances that I have been through, not just the sexual abuse etc, but also the emotional abuse that I suffered from my mum.  Back just before I came into hospital I took an overdose, this is quite unusual for me these days, I then came home a few days later dissociated in the shower and needed stitches, and was admitted at that point as this type of my dissociation was so bad that I couldn't guarantee my safety. This is just an example when my dissociation is bad, and how dangerous it becomes. I've not only OD'd/cut whilst in this sate, but I have found myself in random places like Brighton with no idea how I got there, without some detection (such as do I have a train ticket et). I have many triggers that can lead me to dissociate, but the big thing is that I get overwhelmed by whatever (such as flashbacks) and my brain decides to switch off for a bit. This all, obviously, freaks me out, I mean how would you feel if you suddenly realised that you were somewhere you didn't know and it was several hours later??? This has happened!

The other major dissociation problem I have (although this is not formally diagnosed yet) is Dissociative Identity Disorder, something that I have talked about a little bit in previous posts. The best way that I can describe this is, is a way a friend has that I'm a chocolate orange, I have loads of segments but I am also a whole, Or you can see this link to a YouTube video of a lecture. It is important to remember that this is very different to the delusions that can be a part of schizophrenia, and the symptoms of this are not schizophrenia, it is very different. It is part of my PTSD, This means that I have several alters that are there own separate identities, and come “out” at various times. Usually this happens when they are needed to protect me from either external or internal “stuff”, however this is not always the case, but they all have a purposes. Sometimes these are called personalities, hence the old name of multiple personality disorder, but I don’t think of them as these as that makes them somehow external to me, and they are just not, they are me just as much as I am them! Some people do not believe in this diagnosis, but I think it is just something that is very difficult to understand. The cause of this is widely known as severe trauma, such as the sexual ritualistic abuse that I suffered as a child.

I am going to try and write about a few of my main alters, you have to remember that they are different ages, have different likes and dislikes, and can be very different in attributes. I do not know all my alters, some of them stay in the background, and there must be a reason for this that I do not know yet, and just as some of them come to the fore, some of the others can take “background time”.

 I guess the first one to introduce you too is the first one that ever made contact with someone in the outside world. Rosie is 5, She is very disturbed and knows a lot about the SRA and so is also very very scared. I think her role is to feed “me” info as I am able to cope with it. She loves Disney, especially Finding Nemo and so loves my wrist tattoo (Just Keep Swimming), like any young child would. She can write in my diary, and it is quite obvious when she has (such as some of the others) because of the handwriting. She also has a soft toy that is an original Tigger (as opposed to the Disney one) and she takes it everywhere!

Rachael is the teenager of us, and like many teenagers she likes a strop!!! she is also the most self-destructive of us all. She is another one that likes to write, but she is very angry and takes it out on us. She is Emo and loves all the stuff associated with this. Her role is the anger, although she needs to learn to control this anger and direct it in healthy ways!

Sarah is mummy, she looks after us all. I don’t know much about her apart from she loves to hug anyone who is struggling, and especially the little ones (there are more than just Rosie).

Then there is me, Lou, I am 31 (as I am in chronological age). I am the host. I have grown up like anyone else, and been through everything, although I don’t remember it due to the amnesia dissociation. (which is where some of the others such as Rosie come in). I try and keep order in my head between the alters, and give them “time” if they need it, but try and control them as well (don’t always succeed with Rachael though!).

These are just a few of mine. I have no idea at the moment how many alters I have as I am very early in the recognition that this is me.

I hope that I have managed to explain dissociation, and especially how it affects me.

Lou.

P.S. Finally have got the PTSD as my primary diagnosis!!!! (although still havent got rid of my BPD one!)

Complex PTSD and me

Hi guys,

Sorry that I haven't been around, I have been really quite unwell mentally and was admitted to my local psych unit for a week. Although I am not 100% OK, I am pleased that I am feeling better than I was 10 days ago. I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks about my issues, and I wanted to share these, in the hope that someone else might not feel as alone.

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). As the name suggests its more complex than PTSD.  I am not saying that people with PTSD don't suffer because they do. It is thought that complex PTSD arises when the abuse that they have suffered is prolonged, and its not just sexual abuse (although that is the case with me), after all it was first used in South Africa with the violence and civil disturbance!

There is some overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder (and about 75% of people with BPD have suffered from abuse, and that is usually sexual) but they are very different disorders, and should not be used intertwined. BPD as it suggests is a Personality Disorder that until recently people didn't think that it was recoverable, but I am living proof that it is! C-PTSD is an anxiety disorder.

C-PTSD has 6 clusters for diagnosis-
1) Alterations in regulation of affect and impulsivity
2) Alterations in attention or consciousness
3) Alterations in Self perception
4) Alterations in relations to others
5) Somatization
6) Alterations in systems of meaning.

on there own I don't think that they make much sense, but I am going to go through them one at a time. First, however is a quick bit on insomnia. I also need to explain that I can see things intellectually and can understand the issues on this level, but emotionally I am much further behind. I guess the best way to describe it is these two parts are completely separate.

One of my biggest problems it seems, especially since coming out of hospital has been my insomnia. (hence writing this at 3am!). Sleep deprivation is extremely bad for anyone's mental health, you just have to think how grumpy people can be if they don't get enough sleep, but for me (and probably many people) it can either make my hyper (than have a massive crash) or make me extremely low. In DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy a treatment for BPD that I had when I lived in Wales) the need for a proper sleep pattern and sleep hygiene is emphasised, yet I still can't seem to let myself sleep.  It is very difficult for me as I also suffer from extreme nightmares that means that I am absolutely scared of sleep. Whilst insomnia isn't part of the diagnostic criteria for C-PTSD I personally know a lot of people who it affects and that nightmares are part of PTSD. For me it is often reliving the past, and it feels so out of control as it feels like there is nothing I can do to stop them. I just know that I cant go on like this, as it will make me really unwell again, so if anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them.

Alterations in regulation and impulsivity - this involves difficulty in regulating emotions. for me this means that I have chronic depression. I used to have extremes of emotions and going from one to another at a 100 miles an hour. I have worked through that, and since I have started to talk about the abuse that I suffered by my parents (and others) this has become a lot less. I still, at times feel suicidal (which is why I was admitted to the psych unit) and often feel like I have to have the means around me for a safety net (not very safe safety net I must admit), I have attempted to take my own life previously, and it can really scare me when I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of ending it all, it's not that I want to be selfish it is just that there is so much emotional pain an it feels like it is never ever going to end. this part could turn into a post of its own!!! I also self harm through mainly cutting (but my eating disorder in a way is self harm) I get very angry at myself (no one else, and I am not aware of it as its so alien to me) and feel the need to punish myself, but also somehow the blood coming out is evilness coming out of me, something I will explore later. This part of C-PTSD is very similar to BPD, however BPD has much more extreme abandonment issues for example, something that only rears its ugly head very occasionally now.

Alterations in Attention or consciousness - there are three main points to this part of the cluster, amnesia/reliving/dissociation. I have suffered at one time or other all three. I "forgot" the abuse that my father did to me for years and years (even though it was still going on, that leads into the dissociation). I remember it clearly when I began to allow myself to feel safe enough to start remembering, I was in one of my MA seminars and we we're watching "Oranges aren't the only Fruit" (the exorcism scene) and it began. Once it began I couldn't stop it, although at many times I really wish that it would. It didn't come all at once, and to be honest I still think that I have a lot that is yet to come out. It might seem weird to people who haven't been through trauma that you can forget it, but it is a coping strategy, that especially when I was young, my mind knew that I couldn't cope with what was going on and so it split away the part that was experiencing the abuse....our brains are amazing things, as it only allowed me to start to remember when I was strong enough (although it doesn't feel like it at times!!) I relive my abuse on a daily basis, through flashbacks and nightmares. For me they are not just visual, but I am using every sense to the point I think that I am back there, I can feel his body weight on me, I can smell him and so on. This is very very frightening, and it often leads me to dissociate. I dissociate in two main ways, amnesia – where I loose a lot of time, it can be hours. the best way that I can describe this is that have you ever been on a familiar journey and reached your destination? well it is an extreme version of this, and even within this part of my dissociation I do two completely different things, I either completely freeze where I feel locked into my body, or I can appear completely normal, I can go out – this is the dangerous one for me, as this is where I self harm now (rather than being a conscious de scion) and the last two times that I took an overdose I was in this potion. The other type of Dissociation that I suffer from is DID (Dissociation Identity Disorder formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder), As I said earlier my mind split because of the abuse, and that has left me with various personalities within me, they are different ages, different sexes, like and dislike different things, but they all play a part. A very good friend gave me a very good way of looking at it, a chocolate orange, they are all separate segments but together they become a whole. on YouTube there is a very good lecture on DID by a sufferer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N-cmCGjlnE) that explains it so well. I have only recently began to talk to people about my alters, and I am really scared that people will think that I am crazy but because I suffered such extreme abuse (SRA) as well as the abuse by my father this is the result, once again this could be a post on its own!

Alterations in self-perception - In a way this is the most self explanatory of all of them, it can include chronic sense of helplessness shame guilt etc. This one is also very relevant for me. My Dad and the group of men have made me feel that I am evil, as this was their explanation of why they did what they did, a massive alteration in my own self perception from a very early age!! I also blame myself as I in some ways wanted it – I hate talking about this, but it is important – it was the only affection that I got so craved it, although I hated the physical pain! this has lead me to feel really guilty and ashamed, and a chronic feeling that I must have asked for it, also because that it went on till I was 27, I think that I should have been able to stop him. If I do my pretending the situation is someone else (And this is the only way that I can do it) I wouldn't blame them, I would see that they were a little girl when it started and that it is a natural reaction to want human touch, and that she was groomed to stay in that abusive relationship as it was all she really knew. I wish that I could change the way that I feel, but I honestly don't know how to, and what would be left if I did. its not that I want to be seem as a victim all the time, I just still need to discover myself, which I am learning to do, I can see that I am (hopefully) caring and willing to help. slowly my confidence is building, although I have recently had several knock backs to it. Changing core beliefs and feelings around them will take time, but I am chipping at it slowly and methodically.

Alteration in relations to others - This from what I have read around the subject relates to the perpetrator and my relationship with him, as well as people around me. I find this so difficult as I think I love him, after all he is my dad, and it wasn't all bad, he read us (me and my brother) bed time stories, and was really kind and loving at times. this really messes with my head. I know that all people are a mixture of good and bad, and no-one is evil (except me :/ but I find it so hard to work out him when it was such extremes. He does have power and control over me, even now, in fact they both do, with holding my sentimental belongings hostage and mum refusing to remove herself as nearest relative (a legal position in mental health law). but also they have managed it with the emotional abuse and how my self perception is screwed! I still completely believe what they told me, I can only remember one time that my mum praised me (the day that I got my degree results) so continue to feel like I am a complete failure. I know that I can see the problem, but after 27 years of this, I think that it is going to take time for me to change this...I just wish there was a magic wand!!! I also think of revenge, but I am not completely consumed by it as some people may be, my revenge was going to be through the courts however because it was historical before I  had the strength (with the help of everyone around me - thank you) to go to the Police, there was not enough evidence as there was no forensic evidence I never got to get my revenge in a public way, however as many people have pointed out to me people will guess why he hasn't been at work, and that it will affect him.
In terms of relationships with others, I have worked on this a lot since I was at Lavender Lodge, before that I was very chaotic in both how I was and how I related to others – not a good combination, and I am truly sorry to those who knew me then! I do still withdraw and isolate myself especially when my mood is low, even though I know that it is a maladaptive coping strategy and is likely to make things worse. The other thing that I do is around trust. It takes me a lot to trust someone but when I do I trust them wholeheartedly, whether they deserve it or not, and this has, in the past, led me getting in really nasty situations (such as being on-line stalked!)

Somatization -  My understanding of this is  having somatic physical symptoms in response to emotional issues although it does confuse me a little so please forgive me if I have got this wrong. it is not someone making it up for attention or being a hypochondriac, the symptoms feel very real, and I, know this because its happened to me. One way that this happens to me is my asthma, with the flashbacks and the pressure I feel on my chest invokes me asthma, but part of it, I realise now that a lot of it was because of my anxiety. The other way it manifests its self in me is pain. I find emotional pain so difficult to deal with that my body turns it into physical pain. This makes it difficult for me now that I realise that this does go on, as I don't know how to work out whether I’m in pain because of something physical or emotional.

Alterations of systems of meaning - this can  manifest itself in various ways such as loosing faith, which I guess that I did, but I was quite young when this happened. Because of my dads position within the church, for me the association of church and religion in general has major negative connotations for me, Also because of the black magic involved the whole idea of organised religion scares the hell out of me (they were also clergy in the church) and therefore I have no sense of faith. I also feel at times a sense of hopelessness and despair that leads to the suicidal thinking.

Luce xxx