letter to my dad

this is a email i sent my dad tonight, i have been thinking i needed to do this for a while, but havent talked to anyone about it. i hope people think its ok. just worried about the response/lack of one.

luce xxxx

Hi,

this is not going to be an easy email to write, or even read, and for that I am truly sorry. But this is something that I have to do. I am not asking for apologies or even an admission as I know in my heart that I will never get these. I just want you to know how things are for me because of my life.

The abuse that I suffered as a child and adult has seriously damaged me, I have a diagnosis of complex PTSD because of this, as well as dissociative dissorder nos.the dissociative disorder means that I have alters within me,, these have been there for years, but I am finally getting the help I need in order to move on and get on with my life.

Thanks to going to Lavender Lodge, I have grown out of the borderline personality disorder to the most part. When I get ill I do get aspects (traits) of it, but doesnt everyone?? no one really wants to get rejected etc. whilst its still on my records I am trying to get it changed to recovered. My CPN is supportive of this. I dont freak out so much at change, its more to do with my high anxiety levels due to the PTSD than anything else.

Thats enough of that. The main reason I wanted to email is to explain how controlling you and mum were when I moved home. I do understand this was done out of love and care, and I have no question in my mind that you did love me wholeheartedly. You were the one I could go to if I had a problem, but now I have friends that have become my family.

Going back to when I moved back home in 2008, when I was really ill with the BPD (and the undiognosed ptsd and ddnos). I do not blaim you for the way you decided to handle me, I must have been a complete nightmare, but this continued because I had no control. You both took all my control away from me, and that just made me mad, but also feeling extreemly out of control, so I used my (maldapative) coping mechanisms to deal with it, the od'ing, cutting and my eating disorder. As I have said I know I put you in a completely unatural situation and nothing could have prepared you both for living with me in that state. I do also blaim the MH services at the time for not supporting me enough...especially when psych liason wanted to admit me but couldnt because my GP was still in Wales. I am not trying to take away my own responsbility but I felt completely out of my depth after living on my own and coping (well not coping very well) as best I could to suddenly not having hardly any autonomy over my life. I was no longer a child at this point, but an adult. And as long as I wasnt physically hurting other people I think I should have been left to make my own mistakes so that I could learn from them; saying this and as I have said I put you in an impossible situation, a child of yours was seriously mentally unwell, and how does anyone cope with that? I do not blame you for your decsions as I can see that they were done out of love and concern for my safety....im just saying it didnt work and made me worse.

Going to lavender was the best thing I could have done, I learnt skills to deal with the affects of the BPD.

Enough of this negativity. I thought I would breifly bring you up to date. I am still struggling, but in very different ways. My anxiety is seriosuly high constantly, and have chronic low mood. Plus my alters that all have very different ideas. All very confusing. I have ended up back in hospital a few times for short times when things get on top of me, but I hate it. And as I said I am in therapy for the dissociation that has plagued my life (including the freezing that I know you witnessed) all tis makes sense to me now as I slowly remember more and more.

I dont live on my own but in a group home with staff during the day. This works quite well for me as I dont really cope living on my own iam not going to tell you where I live (and still angry at aunty Dororthy for telling you about the flat when I asked her not to) as I need to keep my safety but online is ok. I work occassionally on an ad hoc basis for various people to improve services for other people, as I am called by the CQC I am a expert by experience. I go all over the country to try and get the message across that I want to mainly to treat anyone (Mh/minorities etc etc) as if you would like to be treated yourself. And this is the message I want to get to you. I hope you never end up in that situation again, but controlling people leads to resentment and anger, plus a desprate plea by the person to keep control over something, often their owm body. We can all learn from every situation, and I hope you can reflect on this.

I do miss you more than words can say, you for all your faults and mine, were the one person I could go to with almost litterly everything. I see things that I know you would like and feel sad that I cant share it with you.

Keep going dad,

Luce