Guilt and responsibility

hey guys,

I went to my support group last night, and we had a long talk about responsibility and guilt, and we all pretty much felt the same. First thing I have to say though is ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ANY OF IT, YOU CANNOT CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE, IF YOU DIDN'T TALK AND IT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE THAT'S THE ABUSERS RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS!!!

This is where I am a complete hypocrite as I feel completely responsible for the risk of the abusers I had hurting others. I have got better with my dad as I did try and get justice and it was the CPS who decided not to take it further, but I still worry to the point it makes me ill that he'll hurt someone else. But my biggest guilt is around the ritualistic abuse and the fact my brain wont tell me enough to know who the abuser’s are, and I am completely convinced that I cannot of been the only one,

its a horrible feeling to have, the guilt that you think that you may have been able to stop someone else suffering but my friends tell me (as I just cant see it yet) that I was a child, programmed by my parents to keep things secret and its never a child’s responsibility (or anyone who is abused) to stop others hurting, they just have to do what they have to do to get through and survive. For me this was dissociation and “splitting (bad word for it but cant think of another one) into my different parts.

I have to remember that I have survived, I have survived seriously terrifying and horrifying things that should happen to no one, but I have done it. I struggle with it, and I still feel my parents have a lot of control over me through their grooming of me. I just hope that one day that I can truly break free from them, not just physically (Which is have) but also repair all the stuff they have ingrained into my head so that I can actually enjoy life. At the moment it just doesn’t seem possible, I still feel that it was all my fault because I am inherently evil and they were all just trying to make me good....what they told me.

Children look to adults, especially parents, for guidance and love and I didn’t get that, I got narcissistic mother who wants to throw everything under the carpet to make sure the world sees us as perfect family...in other words so people see her as a perfect mother (so far from the truth its ridiculous) and my dad sexually abused me or 20 + years, but yet its my fault....writing that makes it seem what I think is stupid. However i'm struggling to see it any other way, especially as this way gives me some kinda of control over something that was completely out of my control. Maybe this is why I struggle with using food as a way of control...but that’s for another post.

Hope you all stay safe, and this helps in some random way. Sorry

Lou

Its not my fault

Its not my fault – by Seren.

Why do those four words – its not my fault – send us into panic? Its not like if it was anyone else I know, I wouldn’t dream that what happened with the abuse to be their fault. But its ours!! what makes us so special? Even if we imagined the abuse we suffered was someone else, we still wouldn’t blame them. I wish that there was a simple solution into not blaming ourselves and internalising all the emotions that should be thrown at my parents. I hate to think of us as special, we hate being the centre of attention we just want to fit in (and never seem to). However we are the only abused child that its our fault....if only we could change how we perceive ourselves and I am sure that many other survivors feel the same.

I did some online research and found that adults who abuse, paedophiles, must except control and this is one of the ways that they do it. They don’t just hurt us physically and sexually but also emotionally. This emotional abuse is the centre to it, its not so much a sexual thrill they get (I think) but its the power balance and how they manage to transfer the blame to the child. They can do this in a variety of manners, through actually saying its the child’s fault, to giving them “presents” to keep them quiet. In our experience and those of people I know, it often means that we are the ones left wondering if we had done or been x y z then it wouldn’t happen. And so further believing it is our fault.

Having done some reading around I have realised that it was just the punishments that put me into the situation, but also the presents I used to get. This is a huge realisation for us, as we thought that was showing his “nice” side the side society sees, but from what I have read it was further bringing me into the damaging relationship. Having said that no person is all bad or all good. We all are a unique mixture of both. (I have mini dad (one of the alters) shouting in my ear that YOU ARE ALL EVIL NO GOOD CAN COME OF YOU) having DID does make things complicated!!!! anyway back on subject, my dad and mum do have good qualities just when it comes to me they turn bad. What Mini Dad was shouting is what I heard constantly for well over 20 years. And that is the part of the reason that my dad got away with it, I knew that it was my fault, and he was trying to help...after all 5 year old believe just about everything a parents say. Its not been programmed into my brain, and Mini Dad keeps reminding me of that very reason. And so the guilt continues. The guilt of turning them into the police and what happened from there I do see as my responsibility, although as some will tell me that they had brought it on themselves.

This is something that we struggle with a lot. People ask us why we are so different and special that if it is our fault why isn't it anyone else's. This question I cannot answer, maybe cause there is no answer, but we have been programmed for so long that it is our fault that in a way it lets feel that we have (non existent) control over our life for so long, its our fault therefore we deserved it. It also allows us to still see my parents as parents rather then them messing up our lives, which everyone else can see. I have to feel in control, we all do. I am guessing that it has a lot to do with our childhood and early years. Currently we are trying to do with with food :s if I am honest a lot of my life I was out of control, not with substance misuse, but because both my parents controlled me so much as I wasn’t the perfect vicars daughter that society believes I should have been. I wasn’t that happy go lucky child, I was suffering from the abuse my dad and his friends inflicted on my sexually and the emotional abuse from my mother. I wasn’t allowed emotions, and so I still internalise them as its safer, safer than getting rejected by the two people who are meant to be my care givers.

No child should be inflicted to what I was. However I was, and the reason for that is my evilness, I was born with it and they were just trying to get rid of it, and then using my to be for blame for everything because of it. This thinking is so wrong in a way, being a child includes innocence. Its all so conflicting.

Grooming, as they call it, meant that I didn’t talk for 20 years about what was going on, but I find it difficult to accept that it is his stuff that has made me feel like this. I feel responsible for so much including what happened to me. Will I ever feel differently? How will that affect how I see myself. I see myself with such detest, and distance myself from the body as its not ours, it belongs to them. In a way when I am hurting myself I’m not, I'm hurting them as it belongs to them always.

What gives the adults the right to transfer what they want to on a child? What gives them the right to use a child’s body as an adult plaything? Why when the adult may feel the guilt they transfer this to the child. I have no life really, I am only existing, as the past rules my life forever.

[EDIT: Seren had some help with this from some of the others, sorry its so difficult to understand.]

Triggers

Hey guys,

We are still out of hospital :)

This blog is around triggers, this is especially poignant for us at the moment, as one of ours is loud bangs, something you cannot get away from at this time of year...though hoping for a breather before new year!

Triggers affect many people in different ways, and everyone has them, whether it makes someone angry, sad or scared. For me, and I am guessing many people with PTSD certain triggers take them back to a time when they were not in control and a very scary time of their lives, the cause of their PTSD.

PTSD affects many people both from childhood trauma, being in front-line military to seeing something horrific, and I am sure that I have forgotten other causes.

The diagnostic criteria for PTSD (I have complex PTSD, which is slightly different)is as follows (paraphrased)

Criterion A: stressor 

The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence

Criterion B: intrusion symptoms

including intrusive flashbacks, memories, nightmares etc.

Criterion C: avoidance

Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood

negative emotions related to event such as shame guilt anger to name a few

Criterion E: alterations in arousal and reactivity

Irritable or aggressive behaviour

Self-destructive or reckless behaviour

Hypervigilance

Exaggerated startle response

Problems in concentration

Sleep disturbance

the biggest thing that brings all these together is the reaction to triggers, it relates all criteria B-E and I think I can see all of these in me.

Triggers are such a difficult thing to deal with. Knowing when they are coming is one thing but knowing what to do about it is another....avoidance (i.e. criteria C) being the biggest one. However it is not always possible to avoid triggers, and sometimes you don’t even know they are coming.

I don't have the answers, my usual response is to dissociate, whether it be amnesia or within my system, and this for me is dangerous as this is when tend to do my “risky” behaviour.

I did cut over the weekend. Well when I said I cut Rachel did. (For those who don’t know about my DID see here) it was her way of keeping control. The pain inside is so immense, and the flashbacks so intense that as a teenager she knows no other way to cope than to make the pain real. The strange thing is it doesn’t hurt when we are actually doing it, only after. I am not suggesting that people use self harm as a way to cope as it is very damaging, but its my way at the moment. I think self harm will have to be my next blog post! The banging of the fireworks that were coming from everywhere even though the weather was awful just sent us into sensory overdrive and reminded us of certain things to do with our abuse. Things we hadn’t really realised before.

That’s another thing about triggers sometimes they come out of the blue, or you just don’t understand (yet) why you react the way you do.

Sometimes you choose to go somewhere that you know is going to trigger you, but for a different reason, I think we mentioned about Elodie in my previous post, she was a very good friend who recently died. Her funeral was a trigger nightmare for us, because of the religious nature of our abuse, and we were desperately trying to stay “present” for Elodie, but found it so hard especially with the incense, something that immediately takes us back to the satanic ritualistic abuse that we suffered. But we, just about, did it. And it made us feel so proud that we faced things such as entering a church for something we had to do (say goodbye to Elodie) even though every bone of my body didn't want to go anywhere near the church.

If anyone has any ideas how we can cope with my too many to mention triggers please let us know, because we cant cope with all the triggers this time of year.

if you need help please look at Eastbourne Survivors Support Page

Sorry this is so depressing.

Love

Luce xxx

Food, Control and me

TRIGGER – Quite Explicit with EATING DISORDERS, SELF-HARM, and ABUSE

Hey guys,

Well I'm out of hospital completely 2 weeks tomorrow :) it feels good to be free, but the fight doesn’t stop there it carries on...well that sounds so positive, not quite how I feel right now, I am struggling the last few days, but on the whole I am a million times better than I was before I went into hospital.

This post came about after a discussion at a survivors group I go to, around the need for control...so this is my take on it. I know that this is something that I have talked about on here, but things change, new ideas come about etc., and this is something that I will always have close to my heart (after all my undergraduate dissertation was around Anorexia!)

Food has been my control for a very long time, my body isn’t mine, so why should I care what I do to it? It belongs, as I have said before, to the people who took it from me time after time after time.

I feel completely out of control, because of the dissociation (that is still happening regularly), because of the flashbacks, because life is not something that you can really, honestly, control, they took that away from me. But I cant cope with being out of control so have to do something to stay in control in comes the eating disorder. This has more than one use, but for the moment I will keep on the control. Food, at least in the First World, is something people can control, whether it is controlling intake to the point of Anorexia, binging and purging, or comfort eating. I go from not eating very much to the binging and purging, and I honestly cannot remember a time that I did not do this. Unlike my self-harm this is a lot more hidden, there are no (at least external) scars that anyone can see.

When I am restricting I feel so much in control, seeing the numbers go down on the scale just reinforces that control for me. But I cant keep this up for ever, I can go weeks, even months doing the restricting, and then something happens and I have to start eating at least vaguely normally and this freaks me out so I purge, and this little cycle continues.  I am in control of my food intake, or at least I like to think that I am. I feel so much better knowing that there is something in this world that I can control.

I haven’t regularly partaker in taking laxatives for a few years, but every so often it rears its ugly head and that come part of the control. What I cant get out from making myself sick I get out the other way. But for many laxatives are a regular intake and I completely get it, it got to the point in Bangor where no place would sell them to me, even though I was “rotating” where I got them from, and I did begin to steal them...you think this would shock me into stopping -  tablets are the only thing I have ever stolen from a shop – but no, the only reason I stopped is I ended up in ITU after a fire and so stopped for 4 weeks and then lived at home for 6 months which made it difficult and so the regular daily diet of laxatives stopped. For me the number of laxatives I took was control too, I took the exact number I needed to for the result I wanted. It did involve increasing the number as you get used to senekot very quickly!

Men, if you can call them that, the paedophiles and rapists that took my control away did it systematically, whether it be over a few minutes (as in one rape) or over several years. They have the control in my head, telling me that I am Evil, that I am worthless, that I am there's even now, now that I have no contact with no single one of them. Every single minute in my head they are telling me this. And I still completely believe them. I think everyone gets frustrated with me because it must seem like I am getting nowhere with it, but as someone once told me I had 27 years of the 32 years of my life of this, a few years of people telling me that I am not, isn’t going to even dent the trauma from that. See they still have control over me. And that what they want, they want that every single second there control is over me. And I am so so scared it will never go away that I will never get “real” control back...whatever that is!

As I said eating disorders, such as my own, have another use, and so does my self harm. For each person it is different for me it is about getting the evil out of me. Black Magic when I was little didn’t help, so every time I purge, have diarrhoea because of laxative abuse, cut, I am ridding myself of that evil. But not just the evil that I was born with, the evil that they have put in me. As I do with my eating this is often (not always) a cycle for me, going from the eating to the self-harm and so forth.  I need to rid myself of my body. Its not that I want to die, cause its not my head that what I want to rid myself of, but of them.

I am sorry that this has been so blunt, and hope that the trigger warning at the beginning means that people are not too much affected (but going to do here is a link to b-eat the eating disorders charity in the UK, and National Self Harm Network as well as a link to Eastbourne Survivors Resources page). Looking back I sound angry, that is not what I meant to come across, I am just a scared little girl, namely Tracheal, who has no other way to cope. This leads me onto the last thing that I want to say, whatever maladaptive coping strategies that you use, whether like me its food and self-harm, or whether its drugs, alcohol or sex its what’s keeping you ALIVE! Don't beat yourself up about it :)


Luce xxx

Coping Stratagies

Hey Guys!

I am still in hospital, I am waiting for a placement at a group home. I am still having pretty bad days, which is why I am doing this particular post...a more positive one! After the last few posts that have been around my symptoms, I thought that I would write a post that is about my coping strategies and other ideas that people have tried.

Everyone has their own coping strategies to deal with stress, whether it is coming home after a hard day at work and having a glass of wine, or walking the dog to get out of the house as its stressing you out. People with mental health problems have to get their own coping strategies to deal with the different symptoms that they may have. This is no different from someone with a physical health problem doing what they need to take care of themselves! This is what coping strategies are for me, a way to keep myself safe and taking care of myself (although some of mine are quite maladaptive, but as I am trying to keep this post quite positive I wont go into those!)

I have learnt these from all over the place, from the behavioural therapies that I have done, and other therapy work, to friends both “real” and online.

With self harm there are a large number of websites that not only give information but also have alternatives to self harm such as the national self-harm network has a downloadable list, some might not be your thing, but others maybe worth a try. Although many of these don’t give the same release as self harm does (its been proven that it releases endorphins – the happy hormone – and that’s why many people continue to self harm), my reasons are in a previous post its also important for me to remind you that I no longer self harm when I am aware of what I am doing. The two that are meant to give the nearest to self harm are pinging an elastic band on your wrist or holding ice cubes in something. These don't leave determinant damage but seem to work in some self harmer. For me this doesn’t work and actually makes me want to self harm more, but one thing that does work for me if I ever get the urge to cut when I am mostly dissociating  (And this happens when I am dissociating as well but doesn’t work as well) is writing all over my arms what I feel about myself in red pen. But, you just have to try things and find out what works for you.

Dissociation also has many coping strategies, both to deal with the amnesia and DID that I talked about in my last post. They tend to be called grounding techniques and over the years I have learnt many, some work some don't but that’s different for different people. For example, me, I cant cope with anything that focuses on the body as this tends to freak me out rather than help me. People who have worked with me have used the senses in order to stay in the here and now. You can use any sense – sight, sound, smell, speech taste or touch – although I find when I am dissociating the first things to go are that my hearing and sight become “fuzzy”.  The idea of this is to having something so strong that it helps you stay in reality.

Ones that have really helped me is having something really smelly (hopefully a nice one!) that isn’t related to the trauma on a rag or something you can carry around in your pocket. I use obus oil (thank you Amy for giving me this idea!). This way that if you can feel yourself going anywhere you can smell this – even if it is a hundred times – while reminding yourself that you are in 2014 and that you are safe.

The other one that I have just started using is taste. When I was at Lavender Doge, one of the staff always said try chilli – although that never appealed to me, and it might look a bit weird carrying it around. I carry around chewing gum, as the strong mint taste helps. With this it needs to be a strong taste, otherwise it won't work. Also if i have someone with me when I start to go a cold water (it has to be cold) can help – also splashing cold or hot water works – and all this is to change the sensations and so that grounds you.

Although I have said sight doesn’t work for me when I am going into a dissociative state, it does when I am coming out of it, and one thing that my old psychologist and I used to do was pick 3 things in the room and then say 3 things about it. It may seem simple but I can tell you it is so difficult. Another one I have heard about is choosing a colour before hand and finding all the things in that room that are that colour.

Sound never really works for me, although music is important to me (see later), it doesn’t ground me in the ways that the others do. Like in the other senses, simple things are the best! Listen to what’s around you, can you hear cars outside? Or the birds singing? What's the quietest sound you can hear? Put your favourite song on your MP3 player or stereo and listen to ever lyric. I have to thank Fort Refuge website for this as was really struggling with how to use sounds.

With speech there are various things that you can say that will remind you that you are in the hear and now. One is you can repeat to yourself a mantra such as “I am Lucy and I am safe now, no one is going to hurt me” another or the date, prime minister etc. A friend of mine does mental arithmetic, or you could repeat the states of America (if you know them!). Its about using your brain in a way that won't let it switch off. I also find using these also takes you away from the trigger that s overwhelming you.

Now touch- this one I really struggle with, and I also know a lot of people who have had trauma that their body doesn't feel their own, and so this may not work. But then again, I also know that it really works for some people. A lot of it is mindfulness techniques, which I learnt a lot of when I was doing the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) in Bangor. Simple things like feeling your feet on the floor and bum on seat, but really feel how your feet feel on the floor and how the seat feels against you.

One that I do is find a safe space in a room, for me this is a small area, and sit on the floor and remi
These are all simple things, but they need to be to be so that when you are in that state that you can remember what to do., especially if you are on your own.

OK, I will get onto the coping strategies that I use, I hope that this helps someone!

The biggest thing in my life (apart from my friends) is music. There is different ways that I use it. I use it to drown out the arguments between my alters and other voices that I have in my head such as the “ED Voice”, I constantly have my pod on in here and when I am out and when I am home (wherever that may be) I either have my music or TV on to try and help drown out these. When I am at home and all the voices I here are really loud I put on my iPod on with my ear phones. I know that people that hear voices as part of their psychosis music can be really important to drown out these. The music you listen to is also very important, it can change your mood, or …. how you are feeling. For example if I am feeling sad and weepy listening to one of my favourite songs Concrete Angel (by Martina McBride) can actually mean that I can let my feelings out. However if I was very angry and wanted to calm down, listening to Nirvana say isn’t going to help you calm down, its just like watching a particular film and how it makes you feel. I hope that you understand what I mean.

Another big one for me is walking. Its an exercise that I really enjoy and its a natural way of releasing endorphins and keeping yourself fit (after all your physical health impacts on your mental health just as it is the other way around), this is important especially if you are on particular psychiatric medication, as it also helps kick off your metabolism. I find walking so peaceful along the sea and it helps make me realise that my problems are just a small part of the world, even though they are currently a big part of me. I am very lucky living by the sea as the waves and smell is so relaxing. Another reason that I like walking is that it gives me time to think rather than just reacting and ending up in self destruct mode. I can try to rationalise things that don’t make sense originally and try to make sense of me and the world. I don’t always succeed in getting answers but I am one of those people who need to understand what is going on, and what has gone on and how it affects me now (without hopefully completely dissociating). I also found getting out of the flat when lived there helped make me feel more safe. For some reason being by the sea makes me feel so safe and know that no one will hurt me again, as I am stronger so wont let it happen again! Having written this I have realised how much walking means to me, rather than it just being a way to exercise (which I am slightly obsessed with) but a way to deal with issues in my head by giving me a quiet space to think things through without the fear of automatically going into self destruct mode!

The final one that I am going to explain (after all this is getting quite long!) is talking to people, whether you are talking to professionals about what is going on with you, or friends about their latest news. Connecting with people is so important. I know that when I get unwell one of the first things that happens is I start to isolate. I know for a lot of people the worse time is when the professionals aren't available, so whether its you call or text a friend, or even ring someone like the Samaritans or other helplines (see the Eastbourne Survivors website for a list of help, they also have a resources page for survivors). Isolating isn’t good, while it might feel the best thing to do, it just makes things 10 times worse – and that is from personal experience. I know that I find ringing helplines very difficult, and I am really lucky that I have really good friends, but some of the help is online or via text. Just reach out and not feel alone. Another way to do this is to go out. I know that my body and mind are screaming at me that this is the wrong thing to do, and it doesn’t always work, but being around strangers reminds you that you are not the only one around and that helps!

I really hope that this can help people.

Just keep Swimming!!!

Love
Luce xxx

Complex PTSD and me

Hi guys,

Sorry that I haven't been around, I have been really quite unwell mentally and was admitted to my local psych unit for a week. Although I am not 100% OK, I am pleased that I am feeling better than I was 10 days ago. I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks about my issues, and I wanted to share these, in the hope that someone else might not feel as alone.

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). As the name suggests its more complex than PTSD.  I am not saying that people with PTSD don't suffer because they do. It is thought that complex PTSD arises when the abuse that they have suffered is prolonged, and its not just sexual abuse (although that is the case with me), after all it was first used in South Africa with the violence and civil disturbance!

There is some overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder (and about 75% of people with BPD have suffered from abuse, and that is usually sexual) but they are very different disorders, and should not be used intertwined. BPD as it suggests is a Personality Disorder that until recently people didn't think that it was recoverable, but I am living proof that it is! C-PTSD is an anxiety disorder.

C-PTSD has 6 clusters for diagnosis-
1) Alterations in regulation of affect and impulsivity
2) Alterations in attention or consciousness
3) Alterations in Self perception
4) Alterations in relations to others
5) Somatization
6) Alterations in systems of meaning.

on there own I don't think that they make much sense, but I am going to go through them one at a time. First, however is a quick bit on insomnia. I also need to explain that I can see things intellectually and can understand the issues on this level, but emotionally I am much further behind. I guess the best way to describe it is these two parts are completely separate.

One of my biggest problems it seems, especially since coming out of hospital has been my insomnia. (hence writing this at 3am!). Sleep deprivation is extremely bad for anyone's mental health, you just have to think how grumpy people can be if they don't get enough sleep, but for me (and probably many people) it can either make my hyper (than have a massive crash) or make me extremely low. In DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy a treatment for BPD that I had when I lived in Wales) the need for a proper sleep pattern and sleep hygiene is emphasised, yet I still can't seem to let myself sleep.  It is very difficult for me as I also suffer from extreme nightmares that means that I am absolutely scared of sleep. Whilst insomnia isn't part of the diagnostic criteria for C-PTSD I personally know a lot of people who it affects and that nightmares are part of PTSD. For me it is often reliving the past, and it feels so out of control as it feels like there is nothing I can do to stop them. I just know that I cant go on like this, as it will make me really unwell again, so if anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them.

Alterations in regulation and impulsivity - this involves difficulty in regulating emotions. for me this means that I have chronic depression. I used to have extremes of emotions and going from one to another at a 100 miles an hour. I have worked through that, and since I have started to talk about the abuse that I suffered by my parents (and others) this has become a lot less. I still, at times feel suicidal (which is why I was admitted to the psych unit) and often feel like I have to have the means around me for a safety net (not very safe safety net I must admit), I have attempted to take my own life previously, and it can really scare me when I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of ending it all, it's not that I want to be selfish it is just that there is so much emotional pain an it feels like it is never ever going to end. this part could turn into a post of its own!!! I also self harm through mainly cutting (but my eating disorder in a way is self harm) I get very angry at myself (no one else, and I am not aware of it as its so alien to me) and feel the need to punish myself, but also somehow the blood coming out is evilness coming out of me, something I will explore later. This part of C-PTSD is very similar to BPD, however BPD has much more extreme abandonment issues for example, something that only rears its ugly head very occasionally now.

Alterations in Attention or consciousness - there are three main points to this part of the cluster, amnesia/reliving/dissociation. I have suffered at one time or other all three. I "forgot" the abuse that my father did to me for years and years (even though it was still going on, that leads into the dissociation). I remember it clearly when I began to allow myself to feel safe enough to start remembering, I was in one of my MA seminars and we we're watching "Oranges aren't the only Fruit" (the exorcism scene) and it began. Once it began I couldn't stop it, although at many times I really wish that it would. It didn't come all at once, and to be honest I still think that I have a lot that is yet to come out. It might seem weird to people who haven't been through trauma that you can forget it, but it is a coping strategy, that especially when I was young, my mind knew that I couldn't cope with what was going on and so it split away the part that was experiencing the abuse....our brains are amazing things, as it only allowed me to start to remember when I was strong enough (although it doesn't feel like it at times!!) I relive my abuse on a daily basis, through flashbacks and nightmares. For me they are not just visual, but I am using every sense to the point I think that I am back there, I can feel his body weight on me, I can smell him and so on. This is very very frightening, and it often leads me to dissociate. I dissociate in two main ways, amnesia – where I loose a lot of time, it can be hours. the best way that I can describe this is that have you ever been on a familiar journey and reached your destination? well it is an extreme version of this, and even within this part of my dissociation I do two completely different things, I either completely freeze where I feel locked into my body, or I can appear completely normal, I can go out – this is the dangerous one for me, as this is where I self harm now (rather than being a conscious de scion) and the last two times that I took an overdose I was in this potion. The other type of Dissociation that I suffer from is DID (Dissociation Identity Disorder formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder), As I said earlier my mind split because of the abuse, and that has left me with various personalities within me, they are different ages, different sexes, like and dislike different things, but they all play a part. A very good friend gave me a very good way of looking at it, a chocolate orange, they are all separate segments but together they become a whole. on YouTube there is a very good lecture on DID by a sufferer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N-cmCGjlnE) that explains it so well. I have only recently began to talk to people about my alters, and I am really scared that people will think that I am crazy but because I suffered such extreme abuse (SRA) as well as the abuse by my father this is the result, once again this could be a post on its own!

Alterations in self-perception - In a way this is the most self explanatory of all of them, it can include chronic sense of helplessness shame guilt etc. This one is also very relevant for me. My Dad and the group of men have made me feel that I am evil, as this was their explanation of why they did what they did, a massive alteration in my own self perception from a very early age!! I also blame myself as I in some ways wanted it – I hate talking about this, but it is important – it was the only affection that I got so craved it, although I hated the physical pain! this has lead me to feel really guilty and ashamed, and a chronic feeling that I must have asked for it, also because that it went on till I was 27, I think that I should have been able to stop him. If I do my pretending the situation is someone else (And this is the only way that I can do it) I wouldn't blame them, I would see that they were a little girl when it started and that it is a natural reaction to want human touch, and that she was groomed to stay in that abusive relationship as it was all she really knew. I wish that I could change the way that I feel, but I honestly don't know how to, and what would be left if I did. its not that I want to be seem as a victim all the time, I just still need to discover myself, which I am learning to do, I can see that I am (hopefully) caring and willing to help. slowly my confidence is building, although I have recently had several knock backs to it. Changing core beliefs and feelings around them will take time, but I am chipping at it slowly and methodically.

Alteration in relations to others - This from what I have read around the subject relates to the perpetrator and my relationship with him, as well as people around me. I find this so difficult as I think I love him, after all he is my dad, and it wasn't all bad, he read us (me and my brother) bed time stories, and was really kind and loving at times. this really messes with my head. I know that all people are a mixture of good and bad, and no-one is evil (except me :/ but I find it so hard to work out him when it was such extremes. He does have power and control over me, even now, in fact they both do, with holding my sentimental belongings hostage and mum refusing to remove herself as nearest relative (a legal position in mental health law). but also they have managed it with the emotional abuse and how my self perception is screwed! I still completely believe what they told me, I can only remember one time that my mum praised me (the day that I got my degree results) so continue to feel like I am a complete failure. I know that I can see the problem, but after 27 years of this, I think that it is going to take time for me to change this...I just wish there was a magic wand!!! I also think of revenge, but I am not completely consumed by it as some people may be, my revenge was going to be through the courts however because it was historical before I  had the strength (with the help of everyone around me - thank you) to go to the Police, there was not enough evidence as there was no forensic evidence I never got to get my revenge in a public way, however as many people have pointed out to me people will guess why he hasn't been at work, and that it will affect him.
In terms of relationships with others, I have worked on this a lot since I was at Lavender Lodge, before that I was very chaotic in both how I was and how I related to others – not a good combination, and I am truly sorry to those who knew me then! I do still withdraw and isolate myself especially when my mood is low, even though I know that it is a maladaptive coping strategy and is likely to make things worse. The other thing that I do is around trust. It takes me a lot to trust someone but when I do I trust them wholeheartedly, whether they deserve it or not, and this has, in the past, led me getting in really nasty situations (such as being on-line stalked!)

Somatization -  My understanding of this is  having somatic physical symptoms in response to emotional issues although it does confuse me a little so please forgive me if I have got this wrong. it is not someone making it up for attention or being a hypochondriac, the symptoms feel very real, and I, know this because its happened to me. One way that this happens to me is my asthma, with the flashbacks and the pressure I feel on my chest invokes me asthma, but part of it, I realise now that a lot of it was because of my anxiety. The other way it manifests its self in me is pain. I find emotional pain so difficult to deal with that my body turns it into physical pain. This makes it difficult for me now that I realise that this does go on, as I don't know how to work out whether I’m in pain because of something physical or emotional.

Alterations of systems of meaning - this can  manifest itself in various ways such as loosing faith, which I guess that I did, but I was quite young when this happened. Because of my dads position within the church, for me the association of church and religion in general has major negative connotations for me, Also because of the black magic involved the whole idea of organised religion scares the hell out of me (they were also clergy in the church) and therefore I have no sense of faith. I also feel at times a sense of hopelessness and despair that leads to the suicidal thinking.

Luce xxx