Family.

Hey guys,

I have said bits and pieces over the blog around my family, but I guess I wanted to talk about it more. Firstly I guess I should say that my parents are still together, and I have a younger brother. I don’t have any of them anymore, some of which I am so glad about - my parents, and not being In contact with my brother is a huge loss. This is so raw this week, as I got a text message on New Year’s Eve that could possibly be from my brother, but I don’t know. I have replied but I haven't yet had a reply back. I am so lucky that I do have a family that I have made myself, after all friends are the family you choose...and I certainly wouldn't want to choose my blood family!!!

Families’ are something that in a way you cannot get away from. It’s all over the media, TV etc. It can be shown as perfect families, especially this time of year. (Although much in the media at the moment is around families that are benefit scroungers etc.!!). I guess that no family is perfect, but mine was so far from perfect, but no one was allowed to know It. my mum is very worried about how the family is viewed by wider society. This has had a major Impact on me. When I was a teenager my depression started, my mum was so ashamed. I remember two things so vividly, first was when one of my teachers at school brought It up at parents evening, she went mad at me when we got home for not appearing perfect. The other was when I used to go for walks as I lived in a village my mum wouldn’t allow me to go on these unless I promised to "look happy". This I guess is how I have got so good at putting a mask on. I hate to think how she thinks and feels about me now, having broken the massive secret to public knowledge. When it first became apparent that my mental health was going to have a huge detrimental effect on my quality of life, she was extremely embarrassed, to the point that she lied about why I was in hospital to people after my first admission to a mental health unit. In the paper a few months ago there was an article on my parents and how the church had put a "gagging" order on why they hadn’t been around. I am sure my mum had this Idea! my mum was also very emotionally abusive towards me, I was the black sheep of the family, I can only ever remember her praising me once and that’s when I got my degree results back In 2003. When she realised that my Illness could work In her favour, It put me Ina position that I found It Incredibly hard to fight from, she wanted to be seen as my "saviour" and was always there for me (a whole load of sh*t!!!)

My dad was very opposites. He hurt me in ways that has left me severely distressed a lot of the time, and suffering from mental health problems. HIs power over me was complete, and from a very early age he abused me right till I was 27 and also introduced me to a group of men who ritualistically abused me. However he was also so kind and really did care about me in his own way. I remember when I was little him reading me and my brother lord of the rings at bed time, and really wanted to help. This all changed when he had researched my Illness at the time (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I think he realised the Impact the abuse was having (It was still going on at this time) and suddenly my behaviour wasn’t because I was distressed but because I was an attention seeking little itch...which of cause turned the focus off him. I found this change so very difficult, as no longer as there a nice side to him towards me. 

That’s the basics of my parents, they were very controlling, but I do think that in some way they cared about me, just the way that they behaved has caused me so much distress. Their control was so overbearing however, they wanted to, and still want to, control every part of my life and not allow me to be a person that wants to recover as that would have to change their role and the fact that they are the doting parents who would do anything for their sick daughter. The relief that I have now that they don’t have much control (they won’t give me my stuff back or change nearest relative) I can be me, I have changed so much because of It.

We had family counselling when I was 14/15. It was a complete waste of time as It turned into blame Lucy hour every single week. After 6 months even the therapist knew that we were getting nowhere. I spent It either counting windows (I do this when I am stressed out In a situation that I can get out of, and hope that Its even because that makes me feel safer!) or starting at the scales. They wanted me to go Into Individual therapy, but my mum persuaded me not to after all how would that look on the family????

I miss having a family, not mine as It Is so dysfunctional and damaging, but having that person who loves me unconditionally (something parents didn’t do). And I miss my brother. He’s the only one who can come anywhere close to understanding what It Is like being a child in my family. He was always the perfect one who could do no wrong (even If It was his doing, but I would get the blame), but I do love him. It’s strange how can I miss something that I never had?

Xxx

The Holidays and a New Year

Hey Guys,

I was hoping to write this over the holiday period, but it was struggling too much to put two words together, let alone a whole post - it was all too raw at the time. I am still struggling, but at least now it don't have the added pressure of the forced jollity on me!!!!

I have always hated Christmas. I don't know maybe it enjoyed it when it was little, but it don't really remember. I hate how everyone thinks everyone else’s Christmas is perfect, with everyone getting along, and having a good time. This is all a load of crap anyway, Christmas is stressful for the calmest of people let alone me! I also hate that on the TV there is so much emphasis on families. I don't have one anymore, which is my own choice, but when it’s being forced down my neck 24/7 it hits me how alone it am. I am really lucky in the great friends that it have and it did have a good Christmas at my friends, being able to do what we wanted rather than what was forced upon us, and it found out Vegan "turkey" is actually really nice.

I personally don't believe in the religious side. Even though it was forced to go to church for 27 years when I was at my parents, it haven't believed in Christianity for a very long time. I know that to them and their extended family and millions of people around the world this is a very important part, just not to me. I will always associate it with being forced to go for the family’s appearance, and how angry that made me at them. I am not going into a huge religious debate as it don't think its appropriate here, it think a lot of my issue with it is the forcing me to, rather than allowing me to make my on decisions - taking that control away from me. Christmas for me is a huge reminder how much control they had over me. 

I also hate it now as the last time that my dad did what he would do to me (still can’t actually write the word!) was over the Christmas period 3 years ago, when I was on leave from the psychiatric unit where it was an inpatient. The last time was New Year’s Day 2011. I will never be able to forget it. I have said to a few people over the last few days that it wish that it had been some random day as that might have been easier to forget, but to be honest, it don’t think that it would ever forget it. When it write this it feel that it should celebrate this rather than dread it, it was the end to the physical pain and sexual abuse that had been happening since it was 5. However it didn’t know that this would be the last time, it is only circumstances that meant that it never happened again, and the emotional stuff carried on till 2011 when it got up the courage to say what had happened. It’s come out in little bits, and is still coming out now 2 1/2 years later - it’s the only way it feel safe to be able to talk.. So for me Christmas is full of bad memories, fear, and loneliness even in a full room.

Well now it’s the New Year, and it have gotten through another year, it have fought my demons and won the battle, but the war continues. I personally can't look forward too much, that doesn't feel safe at all, but it do want this year to be better, to be able to feel safe in my own flat, to be able to be free. It know that’s not going to happen any time soon, if it does at all, it just wish there is a magic wand :( I hate the idea of New Year resolutions because so few people keep to them, and why can’t you decide things when you’re ready (like I’m not giving up smoking yet! but when it do it can be then not 1st January!) but it have thought of a few things that it would like to change, and that’s to try and put me first sometimes, and ask for the support it need. (Plus the usual lose some weight that meds put on me, get fitter blah blah!)

Anyway it wish you all Happy New Year, and hope this year brings you all that you desire. 

xx