I know that many people who have experienced trauma, including abuse, guilt is a huge issue that's hard to get over - and I am no different, years of programming not only is hard to break from but leaves you with an immense feeling of guilt that you just don't know how to deal with.
My parents instilled into me that the way that the family was seen by everyone is the most important thing of all, that they had to be seen as perfect, and we were the perfect family. I remember being told so often to "look Happy" as otherwise it looks bad on them. Well over the last two years I have completely managed to smash that view, just by being honest. however I can still here their voices in my head, telling me that I am bad and naughty for ruining their so called "family", if people know what is going on then no one is going to see them as perfect or even good parents, and I know that this is my fault. Many people around me try and remind me that what I have done over the last few years was important for my own mental health, and I haven't done anything wrong. however its hard to hear this, no not hard to hear but almost impossible to believe at the moment. I know that I have blown apart everything to do with my family, and although I do agree that I have had to do this to be able to have a life, I still have this huge, massive, feeling of guilt.
Years of programming from anyone is so hard to break, years of being told that I come last, that they are "holier than thou" and me (and my brother) job was to make sure that everyone believed that, is not only a huge pressure for both of us when we were at home. Our feelings were denied. somehow a vicars daughter cant be depressed, or anything apart from happy, on top of everything, and sailing through life. something that anyone would have a difficult time living up to, let alone with the sexual and emotional abuse I was being subjected to day after day, year after year. in a way this all added to the abuse, emotionally I was always told that I am a failure for the family, the black sheep, but of cause all that has to be hidden from the general public.
My parents fear of how anyone perceived them meant that I didn't really get any help with anything until I went to uni, apart from the 6 months of completely useless family therapy, there was no way that I could be allowed to see anyone...after all how would they perceive them??? And family therapy is pretty useless when I am too scared to say anything against them, because of the consequences....honesty? whats that?
All this has come to ahead with me as I have recently found that people are asking questions, extremely publicly, around why they aren't working, and haven't for so long. This splits me completely. part of me just hopes that somehow people will get it, that's not all as it seems, that they will get their comeuppance. but then there is a huge part of me feeling guilty for the pressure that put my parents under, that people aren't worshipping them as all good and wonderful, and that is my fault, my fault for being honest (and honesty isn't allowed!). its pulling me apart, how I have pulled everything apart for me (and that's just no acceptable), but I want a life, I want to be able to be me.
Eastbouorne Pier
Wednesday 22 May 2013
Thursday 16 May 2013
depression
It feels like its been a while since I posted on here, I have been really struggling with my mood, and finding anything so difficult.
That's one thing about depression, it makes anything seem like a mountain to climb, from getting out of bed, to getting dressed, to continue doing the things you've agreed to do. nothing is simple for me when I feel like this. But I know that if I give into it, if I hide away all day every day like I want to it will make things worse, I can see that at the moment, and this gives me the chance to try and pull myself up before my mood drops even further. its not "pulling myself together" its putting every last bit of energy to carry on.
My work doing service user involvement is often the one thing that gets me out of bed, knowing that something I can do to help a number of people, that's all I have ever wanted to do is help others. I'm so lucky to have this, have something that I don't want to let people down so force myself to do the things I have to do so I can attend the events that I'm due at. not everyone has this, and I know from friends, and from my past that without having something your passionate about and something to motivate you its so hard to pick yourself up.
Friends are so important to your mental health full stop. they can see things in a completely different way to the way that you see them yourself. (although I am still convinced on my own view of me!), having friends around that understand, but also know when to kick you into doing something and when to just sit and let you cry (apparently crying is good...I personally am not so sure).
This time the low mood has lasted so long, and quite a lot of the time I feel like giving up fighting everything. but after years and years of behavioural therapy its got somewhere in my brain that that is the worse thing that I can do, and so I try. there are so many days where I wake up and all I want to do is turn over and pretend the world doesn't exist, and there are days when I do (far too frequently at the moment).
At the moment its not easy to carry on. I'm not sleeping well, not eating well, having disturbing thoughts. it feels like I am walking through treacle in every breath, and that your a ghost that no one else can see. but still I try and do everything I can.
Depression is an illness, it affects your brain chemistry. but if you broke a leg, to make it better afterwards you would have physio and do exercises, same with depression, its hard but by keeping active in whatever way can help, when you can, can help you bring your mood up. its the more you do the more you can do next time, a slow process but one that has to be worth it, I hope so. and lets hope that I can put my words into practice and bounce back somehow :/
That's one thing about depression, it makes anything seem like a mountain to climb, from getting out of bed, to getting dressed, to continue doing the things you've agreed to do. nothing is simple for me when I feel like this. But I know that if I give into it, if I hide away all day every day like I want to it will make things worse, I can see that at the moment, and this gives me the chance to try and pull myself up before my mood drops even further. its not "pulling myself together" its putting every last bit of energy to carry on.
My work doing service user involvement is often the one thing that gets me out of bed, knowing that something I can do to help a number of people, that's all I have ever wanted to do is help others. I'm so lucky to have this, have something that I don't want to let people down so force myself to do the things I have to do so I can attend the events that I'm due at. not everyone has this, and I know from friends, and from my past that without having something your passionate about and something to motivate you its so hard to pick yourself up.
Friends are so important to your mental health full stop. they can see things in a completely different way to the way that you see them yourself. (although I am still convinced on my own view of me!), having friends around that understand, but also know when to kick you into doing something and when to just sit and let you cry (apparently crying is good...I personally am not so sure).
This time the low mood has lasted so long, and quite a lot of the time I feel like giving up fighting everything. but after years and years of behavioural therapy its got somewhere in my brain that that is the worse thing that I can do, and so I try. there are so many days where I wake up and all I want to do is turn over and pretend the world doesn't exist, and there are days when I do (far too frequently at the moment).
At the moment its not easy to carry on. I'm not sleeping well, not eating well, having disturbing thoughts. it feels like I am walking through treacle in every breath, and that your a ghost that no one else can see. but still I try and do everything I can.
Depression is an illness, it affects your brain chemistry. but if you broke a leg, to make it better afterwards you would have physio and do exercises, same with depression, its hard but by keeping active in whatever way can help, when you can, can help you bring your mood up. its the more you do the more you can do next time, a slow process but one that has to be worth it, I hope so. and lets hope that I can put my words into practice and bounce back somehow :/
Thursday 2 May 2013
a shock in A&E
I haven't written much in the last couple of weeks, as I have been both mentally and physically unwell. both of these means that I have been in my local A&E department twice in the last couple of weeks, and had a complete shock in the way I was treated, in a good way!!!
trigger - talks of ODs and physical exams.
a couple of weekends ago, everything was getting too much and the images, flashback and body memories were completely taking over, especially after my dad being allowed to get away with it again. I got to the point where the only thing I felt I could do was take an overdose...this was of cause all subconscious thinking, and I was dissociating when I actually started to take tablets. this wasn't ever a suicide attempt, my mind and body were trying to stop the huge amount of pain that I was in. what I took, how much etc isn't really of any value, its the fact I realised what I had done, and made my own way to A&E. This is the first OD I have taken in 17 months, and I very rarely go to A&E when I need stitches etc, in the last year I worked out that I had been in the department 4 times, the last one because I had been the night before and they didn't treat the injury properly and I had to go back to get it sorted. I suppose I should put this in context. until around 2 years ago I was in the hospital regularly either needing stitches or having taken tablets. in the 6 months that I was at the local psychiatric unit under section I ended up in A&E a hell of a lot more than the last year. however the staff in A&E remember me, however much I tried to blend into the background before. I was absolutely terrified on my way up, all the usual things going through my mind, how am I going to be treated? are they going to think I am "attention seeking?" etc. I was already extremely agitated because of my state of mind, and these fears were making things a hell of a lot worse.
When I arrived in A&E it was weird, I felt like I was in a parallel universe, no one was short with me, no one treated me like I was wasting everyone's time, I was treated as if I was human! all of this was so hard to get my head around, but a very nice surprise. I think that the staff realised I was/am really trying to get better, and I was really struggling and this is why I was in the situation that I was. they took time to talk to me, and I explained that in the previous two weeks that I had heard that HE had avoided being arrested again because of lack of evidence. people got it, and that I had tried everything before giving into the OD urges that had (and still are) plaguing me.
fast forward 8 days. I haven't been able to go for a wee for well over 24 hours, my tummy is so distended it really hurts and is making me feel very sick, I ring NHS Direct, who straight away tell me to go to A&E. all my usual fears are back, especially as I had been in the weekend before. I have been there before with physical illness/injuries, and it had always took a hell of a lot of persuading that I hadn't done anything to make me fall down the stairs be so sick that cant keep a thing down. I've booked in and am sitting in the waiting room, absolutely terrified. the triage nurse comes out an calls someone else's name, then she looks at me, and asks me if I am OK?. I explain the situation and she said she would see me next (rather than being left to last), within 20 mins I had a cubicle.
Everyone, from the nurses to doctors, tried to find out what was going on. it did involve some very personal investigations, which they explained why, and did try and get a female to do both (just for the internal there wasn't a female doctor available for a few hours, and at that point I was hopefully going home, and they did bring a nurse in to try and help me not freak out completely and utterly). in the end I was kept in overnight (as had over 2 litres in me when they first catheterised me). Even on the ward they were absolutely lovely, explained everything to me, and helped as much as they could.
the pity is that for me this was unusual event. that I was waiting to be treated badly because I have a mental health diagnosis, and was defintily a few years ago a "frequent flier" in A&E. I just wish that A&E departments across the country (and proabably the world) cant treat people who have history of hurting themselves like this all the time. I know that many will be frustrated that they cant help, and a few will just see us as time wasters, but we're human too, we have feelings, words still hurt. I guess everyone needs to remember that there is often a lot of pain behind these acts, and we're just trying to cope!
trigger - talks of ODs and physical exams.
a couple of weekends ago, everything was getting too much and the images, flashback and body memories were completely taking over, especially after my dad being allowed to get away with it again. I got to the point where the only thing I felt I could do was take an overdose...this was of cause all subconscious thinking, and I was dissociating when I actually started to take tablets. this wasn't ever a suicide attempt, my mind and body were trying to stop the huge amount of pain that I was in. what I took, how much etc isn't really of any value, its the fact I realised what I had done, and made my own way to A&E. This is the first OD I have taken in 17 months, and I very rarely go to A&E when I need stitches etc, in the last year I worked out that I had been in the department 4 times, the last one because I had been the night before and they didn't treat the injury properly and I had to go back to get it sorted. I suppose I should put this in context. until around 2 years ago I was in the hospital regularly either needing stitches or having taken tablets. in the 6 months that I was at the local psychiatric unit under section I ended up in A&E a hell of a lot more than the last year. however the staff in A&E remember me, however much I tried to blend into the background before. I was absolutely terrified on my way up, all the usual things going through my mind, how am I going to be treated? are they going to think I am "attention seeking?" etc. I was already extremely agitated because of my state of mind, and these fears were making things a hell of a lot worse.
When I arrived in A&E it was weird, I felt like I was in a parallel universe, no one was short with me, no one treated me like I was wasting everyone's time, I was treated as if I was human! all of this was so hard to get my head around, but a very nice surprise. I think that the staff realised I was/am really trying to get better, and I was really struggling and this is why I was in the situation that I was. they took time to talk to me, and I explained that in the previous two weeks that I had heard that HE had avoided being arrested again because of lack of evidence. people got it, and that I had tried everything before giving into the OD urges that had (and still are) plaguing me.
fast forward 8 days. I haven't been able to go for a wee for well over 24 hours, my tummy is so distended it really hurts and is making me feel very sick, I ring NHS Direct, who straight away tell me to go to A&E. all my usual fears are back, especially as I had been in the weekend before. I have been there before with physical illness/injuries, and it had always took a hell of a lot of persuading that I hadn't done anything to make me fall down the stairs be so sick that cant keep a thing down. I've booked in and am sitting in the waiting room, absolutely terrified. the triage nurse comes out an calls someone else's name, then she looks at me, and asks me if I am OK?. I explain the situation and she said she would see me next (rather than being left to last), within 20 mins I had a cubicle.
Everyone, from the nurses to doctors, tried to find out what was going on. it did involve some very personal investigations, which they explained why, and did try and get a female to do both (just for the internal there wasn't a female doctor available for a few hours, and at that point I was hopefully going home, and they did bring a nurse in to try and help me not freak out completely and utterly). in the end I was kept in overnight (as had over 2 litres in me when they first catheterised me). Even on the ward they were absolutely lovely, explained everything to me, and helped as much as they could.
the pity is that for me this was unusual event. that I was waiting to be treated badly because I have a mental health diagnosis, and was defintily a few years ago a "frequent flier" in A&E. I just wish that A&E departments across the country (and proabably the world) cant treat people who have history of hurting themselves like this all the time. I know that many will be frustrated that they cant help, and a few will just see us as time wasters, but we're human too, we have feelings, words still hurt. I guess everyone needs to remember that there is often a lot of pain behind these acts, and we're just trying to cope!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)