Eastbouorne Pier

Eastbouorne Pier

Sunday 28 July 2013

Why cant I feel safe?

I have been going through a really rough period recently, but I know have the Crisis team support.

Why can't I feel safe? I suppose how would anyone after 25 years of being told that I could never run and never hide from *him*? every day when he came to me it was always the same "you can't run and never can you hide" however now I am in my own flat I find this so so hard. this is the first time I have lived on my own since I have no contact, this is the first time on my own that I Should feel safe, but I just don't. Practically we have done everything that we can, I have lifeline, I have an intercom to let people in, I can ring the police. yet I still just don't feel safe. I think I am not on my own feeling this way, and I guess it will just take time.

However it is having a huge impact on my mental health, as I am constantly in high alert and hyper vigilant and that is going to have a toll. It really affects me sleep, I am so scared that allowing myself to feel safe enough to sleep doesn't happen, and then when I do I get either "flashback" nightmares, or currently ones where everyone leaves me, and my parents get what they want. but the massive sleep deprevation affects my mood and so on.

My mood is particularly low at the moment, and that just makes me feel less safe. so its a never ending battle,

I mentioned in a previous post about Programming, and this "grooming" I suppose, is the worst one I feel. I am so scared to go anywhere just in case I see them. A few months ago I saw my dad in the local hospital going to do his job (he is a vicar so visiting his parishioners who are sick) and so now cant go to the hospital on my own. I love where I live, I love being so close to the sea, and I am determined not to let them ruin it. I try to tell myself that I have every right to be here - just sometimes it doesn't work.

Why do I let them still control me this much, to the point that sometimes I want to die, as I know that I will never be safe, so its better if I am dead?

some of the crisis team don't seem to have got it, as they continue to go through all the practical stuff, but it doesn't make any difference. if he wants he can I am sure of that. I wish that I could get the two things done (get my stuff back and replace my mum as nearest relative) then at least I would never ever have to have contact with them.

how do you live a life of not being safe or feeling safe? at this moment I do not know.


picture is taken by me of Eastbourne Pier, my favourite peaceful place is the beach xxx

Saturday 20 July 2013

alone and evil

For some people find that being alone is good an helps them recuperate, I am part of the other type of people that being on my own means that I am constantly thinking too much, ruminating and which leads to flashbacks and even dissociation. -  How can someone feel so alone, yet they are surrounded by people? This is how I feel a lot, I can be in the middle of town, but feel like I am not real, a ghost walking though. seeing families or friends having fun and sharing experiences makes you feel so so alone. This isn't saying I haven't got any friends, because I have, really good ones who I love to bits, but there are times, like at the moment when I want to hide away, and isolate.

My abuser spent a lot of time making sure that I know that I am bad, evil and am on this earth to be punished. when a child is repeated told something from an early age they are going to believe I, and I do. Its so hard for other people to understand, and I am sure that I frustrate everyone at times. Even though he is physically not in contact with me anymore, and neither is my mum (who was just as bad emotionally) I constantly hear them telling me how I am a really bad evil b**ch. its so hard for me to hear and believe when people tell me its not true, as that's what the relationship with my primary caregivers in my childhood and beyond - when I was young what they said to me was the gospel that I have based my whole life on, and changing this seems so scary as what is my life if its all been a lie?

I feel the need to isolate so that I don't pass on the evilness or hurt people. this I have been told is a mutually exclusive, as if I am evil why would I be so worried about it. that just makes everything even more complicated as it does make sense, rationally, but emotionally? I just don't seem to be able to take it on board. in me there is a huge difference between what I know intellectually (or if it was happening to someone else) but to me emotionally I just don't get it. and I don't know how to make that jump to link the two? anyone got any ideas?

The other problem is when you are physically alone, and all you crave is physical contact with someone. since I have moved into my flat nearly 6 months ago this is something that I have had on more than one occasion, and it is strange to me, but I haven't lived on my own for over 3 years, and always had someone about before. needing that hug and being told that everything will be ok, but all you have is a stuffed toy? I hate putting myself on people, (part of the reason I think is my huge fear of rejection especially when I am distressed, as that is how I was brought up and it hurts!)  and so never ask, but that just leads me to feel even more alone. I find this so difficult as I have no contact with family as so don't have this option. I think in this area technology is fantastic, no longer do you physically need to be with people to feel not alone, sitting on Skype for instance, helps enormously. The "virtual" company over the Internet, and it being world wide means there is the possibility of someone being awake somewhere!

this post has been so hard to write, its doing the exact opposite of what my head and the voices are telling me to do, I'm reaching out, in the hope that someone understands, and that maybe some other people who are feeling like I am don't feel so alone.