Punishment

Hey guys,

well I am free!!!!

As usual I went to Survivors support group on Tuesday and this has led to this post.

First of all, I am writing this to all survivors, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! How I know that sometimes that this is hard to believe, and in a way I am being a complete hypocrite by writing that as personally I feel that it is my fault that my life happened, and this is why I need the punishment that I want to talk about in this post.

I believe completely that I am Evil and born that way, and this is why my dad did what he did, he was trying to cure me, and save people around me and society in general. However if I look at it intellectually and as if the story was someone elses, I can see how he used his power, Job (vicar), and grooming to keep the person quiet and to pass blame onto them rather than himself. What he did was WRONG, a child (or even an adult) is never to blame, those that a*use that power are. I will (or more likely we will) be taking it from this position rather than my emotional, core belief system to my own history!

I punish myself in so many ways, I believe that I need this punishment as it is my fault and that I deserve all the punishment in the world. I turn my anger inwards and hurt myself in order of a way of coping with the past (and present, the physical stuff may not be going on, but they are still in my head, repeating all this stuff.

A definition of Self Punishment can be found here. But is pretty self explanatory and from people that I know I feel that it is a common feature in those that have experienced a*use. This is because the perpetrator will either blame the victim or be so nice that someone may feel that they saught it out (there may be other reasons that I have not thought of) and so feel that they deserve to punish themselves rather than the people who are really to blame, this is not just for those who have been se*ually a*used by any type!

The way that people can punish themselves is endless, and I don't really want to go into them, as I don't want to give people new ideas, but need to focus on the fact that a)Anger is a natural and OK emotion (I hate writing that as seems so alien to me!!) but it needs to be aimed at the person that is to blame, and not at yourself. Obviously I am not talking about if someone, anyone did something wrong and then the anger can be justified, but that is the exact word that needs to come out of this, ANGER IS JUSTIFIABLE, BUT A*USE IS NOT THE SURVIVORS FAULT, THE JUSTIFIED ANGER SHOULD BE AIMED AT THE PERSON/PEOPLE WHO TOOK ADVANTAGE! I am not giving anyone permission to go and be aggressive or even violent towards anyone (including themselves) but as I said its OK to be angry for your innocence to be snatched away!!!!

Right, back to myself. I have repeatedly said that it is my fault, and therefore I need to punish myself for what I have done wrong (being born evil/disclosure and everything that followed etc etc) but by thinking this way, and acting in this way (whether it through the self harm that I used to do or the severely controlling my eating, putting myself into dangerous positions etc) I can remain in control in a situation that I am repeatedly told was not in my control (intellectually how can someone who can barely talk be responsible to anything To Be Honest!!!). Also I am absolutely terrified of emotions (rather be shutdown and numb) especially anger, as scared of its power

Good ideas for coping with the need for self punishment can be found here.

Sorry this is so disjointed and not up to much tonight, but I am extremely switchy which is making it difficult.

Till next time guys,

Lou and Us.

quick one on body memories

Hey guys,

so my updating of this continues!!! I'm still in hospital on section, and feeling trapped, but this time I wish to write about living in the past.

for those who follow my blog they will know that I had an extremely difficult childhood (because of my evilness), and my punishment for this is that I continually live in the past, through flashbacks and body memories. NOTE I would not say to anyone else that it was a punishment only me.

I don't know all my triggers that send us flying back though time to a time that it hurt (a lot) and out is like that I am reliving these times. for those triggers do know I avoid them at all costs, but this is not always possible, from it being environmental - for me one of these is church bells ringing, and living in the UK this makes avoiding those all most impossible. To ones I might not expect say on TV.

There is much scientific controversy over whether cells in the body remember the trauma. I know, however,  that it is true!!!! often, at least for me, when a new memories are emerging it's often my body that remembers it first before the visual and other sense's come into play. its important to realise the during a flashback that more often than not a!l the senses are involved.

the question this leads to is how to deal to is how can we deal with them?

if you google grounding techniques, you will come up with million different ideas, try different ones too see what works for you. for example with me, I find techniques that are external too my body a lot less triggering than those that focus on breath or my body.

if you have ideas feel free to post them.

till next time

Lou

PS photo is of my wrist and the ribbon for PTSD

Trapped

Hi guys,

well I said I would updates note often !o!

this post kinda follows on from the last one, and again is both about !my physical around my environment And within my head.

I find feeling so trapped a real trigger for me, cause not only was I trapped when I was younger even into adulthood where my parents locked me in when I lived at home, among other times of trapping me. I need to be able to get out especially since the fire.

Due to all of this I find being trapped a real trigger, yet because I'm in the psych  unit I'm trapped inside as well as within my head.

I am on section and have no leave (yet) so have spent all weekend stuck on the unit and its driving me crazy, even more than I am normally (yes its possible, only just though!).so many people take for granted the ability to walk out of the house and go for a walk or do whatever they need to do. I'm so reliant on my friends and the staff to get what I need. I feel so helpless because of this, its completely disabling rather than enabling me. I just want to run out of the doors and never stop. I'm so scared, not so my h of other patients and staff but just the environment in general and the whole being stuck.

The other place I'm trapped is our own head. As I said in my previous post my dad (and mum) still control me in my head. Because of what I have been through I live in the past, its not that I want to live there, its massively scary especially for the little ones, but it pulls me back with triggers constantly living with flashbacks of every sense, from visual to the body memories where my body remembers 😿. I know that I deserve the punishment as being born evil means that what he did was to try and help but I hate living back in a time when it hurts in every way possible! I don't  have a choice about this, I don't even know All my triggers. its not easy to just leave the past in the past when all you've known is pain and so biologically stored in the wrong part of thee brain.

I feel trapped, stuck and beyond help. everything has been getting worse for so long that I'm trapped in a dark dark hole with no way out.

all my love
Lou

Control

hi guys

I said I would try and update this more often!!!!

a little background. I have been struggling g really badly for a little while, and 10 days ago I got out of a psych unit after 5 weeks in hospital! within 8 days I'm back in, on section 2. To me this is taking away my control! as not only on hospital it's up to drs you see once a week too leave etc, and they can force medication on you etc.

I personally don't deal with being out of control very well or trapped so not feeling any safer being on the ward ant better than being at home!!!

this goes beyond my current situation I feel so my whole life is out of my control! including and especially my childhood, not only did my dad try and cuew me (others call it a**se), but my mum was worse at cpomntrolling me. as everything had to look good on her  (And maybe she was behind everything my dad did as well, she had! control over all of us.! ) they are still winning, they are still in my head! Still controlling me constantly. these riusidual effects (I.e. my cPTSD and dissociation) are so bad and that's just leaving me feeling even more out of control, especially as pur switching is so bad, wwe don't know who we are going to be one minute to the next.

Recently, I've felt a couple of people behind me and can hear them (never see them though) them though. they show me the evidence of my evilness and how I hurt people through mind control because of my evilneass its always bad, I would do (and do do anything) to not hurt anyone's ever (except us). apparently there is some chance that this is because of the od I took recently and its after effects, but it's not its real!!!!

As I said at the beginning, to back to today, I'm currently is sectioned and so in hospital again, its made me feel so trapped and everything is out of my control, the fact I can't go for a walk, yo what time I eat take meds etc. I can't deal with this very well especially on top of my mood being so so low and anxiety extremely high thanks to the cPTSD and dissociation!


so...how am I dealing with this. answer is quite simple not very well. I am controlling my eating really strictly (restriction) as then I feel like I am in. control of something (although in reality this is not in my control either Rachel!!!). I try and control my sleep as it scares me so so much and so we go on. all the basic human needs are the ones I am controlling in a maldapative way😢 I wish that I knew another way but unfortunately I literally can't think straight!!!

they have won. feels like the war is coming to an end and I have lost.

lots of love
Lou
 

Trust

Hi guys,

Well its been a while, over a year since I last updated my blog, I am so so sorry. A lot has happened and a lot has come up in terms of my memories and other symptoms....but that's a whole other post. I will try and update more often (yes I know I have said this before) I may revisit old topics with new posts as things (as with 100% of the human population) change, I have learnt new skills and met different people.

I have been in and out of hospital, and like many (but not all) people who have similar experiences to mine trust is a big big issue. I find that either I trust to quickly or not at all, and to me there doesn't seem to be much of a pattern except sometimes gender...I personally find it easier to trust and therefore talk to females than males. This is not always the case, and depends a lot on who is in control at any one point. But I tend to trust my gut instinct, yes this has got me into trouble in the past, and could well get me into trouble in the future, but it also means I have the best friends who are my family in the world and without them I just wouldn't be the person I am today, I love them to bits (special mention for Sharnie and Clare!)

There is a reason I have decided on trust as my first topic for this year (yeah its nearly over...where has it gone?) actually a couple with major differences.

Since coming out of hospital again last week I have really struggled with just about everything, although I am functioning to a certain degree its a false functioning. On tuesday I went back to survivors, I usually find this extremely useful to help me cope, but this tuesday it was just too much and was unable to go back into the room for the second half. I spent a long time talking to someone about various stuff, I don't think I had talked to her much before that on a one to one basis, but somehow I knew that it was safe to talk and talk about the (lack of) future etc. something I (as Jenny) didn't want anyone to know, but the little ones (Who used to trust anyone and everyone now trust almost no one) needed someone to know, and we know that it was SAFE to trust this person and talk honestly.

Onto the second scenario. This one isn't so positive. I feel very alone in terms of a partner, and feel the biological clock – after all I am 34 now! And so ended up on Tinder, and have been talking to and texting a guy...i have tried not to say too much, but that has failed. My own need for love I guess means that I didn't want him to freak when we meet on sunday, after all my struggle is scared across my body. It wasn't till someone else pointed out that I have realised that I have put myself in a very vulnerable position when my own mental health is extremely shaky. He knows I have serious mental health issues and the origin (What happened to me, even though my own fault). I haven't gone into the details but still he knows now. Eeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!

LOVE ALL

TRUST FEW

DO WRONG TO NONE

-William Shakespeare.

This quote is so real. I have a lot of people that I love dearly, but only a handful that I would say that I fully trust (Well when I say fully, fully as I ever will, especially as particularly paranoid at the moment) and I never want to hurt anyone EVER , at least not deliberately and will do anything to stop this (another post to come!!). This way I am safeguarding myself from being hurt and used again.

Lots of love

Jenny

     

Living in My Head

hi guys,

I know that I said I would update this blog more but things have over taken a little...quick update, I was sectioned (on a2) 3 weeks ago and although off section now I am still in hospital for another week. The chronic lack of sleep left me with no energy to fight Jenny's reaction to the reply to the email to my dad (see previous post) which left her feeling very very unsafe and hurting too much to cope, also amount of lack of sleep meant that I started hallucinating very very badly. I am sleeping in hospital with the help of a strong sleeper that I am not sure that they will give when I leave...so who knows! I am much much better than I was, I am trying very hard to make everything (well as much as I can) better. I am going out and going home every day so I can get used to it again. The long term plan is to move me to somewhere with night time support but this is going to take a little time.

I went to my local survivors group on Tuesday and something that I brought up that has been bothering me for a long time has made me decide to devote this post to it.

I HATE my body I hate feeling any part of it and it stresses me out and freaks me out to the point of body memories where the control is taken away and I am back in that really horrible place of years ago. This distress me a lot so I (as much as I really can) live in my head. For a lot of people I think that the opposite is true and neither is that healthy.

My head isn’t a nice place to be, I struggle with my anxiety with the depression and thoughts...how I hate thoughts...and the alters that can take over and can be very dangerous or vindictive against all of us. I live in my head because its the lesser of two evils.

In therapy we have been trying to do a lot about grounding, but so much of the time this involves feeling your body, whether it be breathing, or feeling your feet on the floor. I know this works for a lot of people, and it helps them stay in the here and now, but for me, right now, it takes me back to a time when I was really badly hurt, not just physically and sexually but also emotionally. I will give you a quick example, regulating and mindfully thinking about breathing is used a lot in anxiety and also in keeping you here. It freaks the hell out of me, and there is a reason for this, during the abuse that I have suffered I was suffocated (to point of passing out no further) and breathing reminds me of how hard it was. Doesn’t help that I badly struggled with my breathing when I came off the ventilator in ICU after the fire...so concentrating on it just is too much of a reminder so freak and go back. Even writing this is so so hard as I am fighting the huge panic!!!! We have gone back to even smaller steps to try and allow me to feel my body and no freak (using little finger and switching between that and a physical anchor such as a picture) its really hard but I am getting there slowly.

I think part of the problem is I completely fear my body...it let me down, it let the abuse (including ritualistic) happen and that’s not safe...if I feel it will it let me down again??? will it just continually take me to places I don’t want to go to? Will it not let me live in the present???

People can get so much pleasure from their bodies, not just sexually, but different textures, a simple hug, and I don’t get that. I wish I could, and don’t know how to make it safe enough.

Living in my head is horrible, and I wish that I could share the burden with the whole of me, but right now that’s not an option its just not safe!

huggles

lou

letter to my dad

this is a email i sent my dad tonight, i have been thinking i needed to do this for a while, but havent talked to anyone about it. i hope people think its ok. just worried about the response/lack of one.

luce xxxx

Hi,

this is not going to be an easy email to write, or even read, and for that I am truly sorry. But this is something that I have to do. I am not asking for apologies or even an admission as I know in my heart that I will never get these. I just want you to know how things are for me because of my life.

The abuse that I suffered as a child and adult has seriously damaged me, I have a diagnosis of complex PTSD because of this, as well as dissociative dissorder nos.the dissociative disorder means that I have alters within me,, these have been there for years, but I am finally getting the help I need in order to move on and get on with my life.

Thanks to going to Lavender Lodge, I have grown out of the borderline personality disorder to the most part. When I get ill I do get aspects (traits) of it, but doesnt everyone?? no one really wants to get rejected etc. whilst its still on my records I am trying to get it changed to recovered. My CPN is supportive of this. I dont freak out so much at change, its more to do with my high anxiety levels due to the PTSD than anything else.

Thats enough of that. The main reason I wanted to email is to explain how controlling you and mum were when I moved home. I do understand this was done out of love and care, and I have no question in my mind that you did love me wholeheartedly. You were the one I could go to if I had a problem, but now I have friends that have become my family.

Going back to when I moved back home in 2008, when I was really ill with the BPD (and the undiognosed ptsd and ddnos). I do not blaim you for the way you decided to handle me, I must have been a complete nightmare, but this continued because I had no control. You both took all my control away from me, and that just made me mad, but also feeling extreemly out of control, so I used my (maldapative) coping mechanisms to deal with it, the od'ing, cutting and my eating disorder. As I have said I know I put you in a completely unatural situation and nothing could have prepared you both for living with me in that state. I do also blaim the MH services at the time for not supporting me enough...especially when psych liason wanted to admit me but couldnt because my GP was still in Wales. I am not trying to take away my own responsbility but I felt completely out of my depth after living on my own and coping (well not coping very well) as best I could to suddenly not having hardly any autonomy over my life. I was no longer a child at this point, but an adult. And as long as I wasnt physically hurting other people I think I should have been left to make my own mistakes so that I could learn from them; saying this and as I have said I put you in an impossible situation, a child of yours was seriously mentally unwell, and how does anyone cope with that? I do not blame you for your decsions as I can see that they were done out of love and concern for my safety....im just saying it didnt work and made me worse.

Going to lavender was the best thing I could have done, I learnt skills to deal with the affects of the BPD.

Enough of this negativity. I thought I would breifly bring you up to date. I am still struggling, but in very different ways. My anxiety is seriosuly high constantly, and have chronic low mood. Plus my alters that all have very different ideas. All very confusing. I have ended up back in hospital a few times for short times when things get on top of me, but I hate it. And as I said I am in therapy for the dissociation that has plagued my life (including the freezing that I know you witnessed) all tis makes sense to me now as I slowly remember more and more.

I dont live on my own but in a group home with staff during the day. This works quite well for me as I dont really cope living on my own iam not going to tell you where I live (and still angry at aunty Dororthy for telling you about the flat when I asked her not to) as I need to keep my safety but online is ok. I work occassionally on an ad hoc basis for various people to improve services for other people, as I am called by the CQC I am a expert by experience. I go all over the country to try and get the message across that I want to mainly to treat anyone (Mh/minorities etc etc) as if you would like to be treated yourself. And this is the message I want to get to you. I hope you never end up in that situation again, but controlling people leads to resentment and anger, plus a desprate plea by the person to keep control over something, often their owm body. We can all learn from every situation, and I hope you can reflect on this.

I do miss you more than words can say, you for all your faults and mine, were the one person I could go to with almost litterly everything. I see things that I know you would like and feel sad that I cant share it with you.

Keep going dad,

Luce

Anniverseries

Hey guys,

I know that its been a while since I have been on here, but I have been back in hospital over my birthday and had several “anniversaries” since. These are not the good ones, not the ones where you get flowers cards and presents, but ones that take me back to a place that I do not want to got.

Everyone in the world, I imagine, has dates that they would rather forget. Ones that remind them of bad times, but for me they lead me to an all encompassing depression and I have no energy to fight them. It doesn't help that the different personalities within me react differently to them.

Tomorrow is Fathers' day in the UK, and this is a hugely bad day for me, it was one of his special days (Along with my birthday and his, plus Christmas) and at the moment I am really struggling to stay safe. The pain from the memories of both the SRA and the abuse from my dad is so strong, that it feels that death is my only option. But I don't want to hurt other people, and so I struggle on. Holding onto that need not to hurt other people and prove to everyone beyond reasonable doubt that I am Evil.

So what do we do? How do people get through these dates? Answers on a postcard please (or on the comments)

I am trying to keep busy, and put things in place. Every year after this time of year I say to myself that I will be more organised and have things in place, but it sees every year it creeps up on me. I do have things planned for today and tomorrow, and hope that it will get me through, as I hate letting people down, so we will see how successful this is.

I think the fact that I have started therapy has meant that a lot more has come out in my mind (and hopefully to my therapist at the right time) and that has made this year a lot harder than before. But as it is said, no pain no gain. I just have to trust in the therapy that I am doing (Which I do) and hope that by this time next year I will be in a lot better place in order to deal with individual dates that have such a huge meaning for me.

Life is shit but you have get up dust yourself down and get on with it!!!

sorry that this doesn't really have any answers, but I am at a lost at the moment.

Love

Lou xxx

Guilt and responsibility

hey guys,

I went to my support group last night, and we had a long talk about responsibility and guilt, and we all pretty much felt the same. First thing I have to say though is ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ANY OF IT, YOU CANNOT CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE, IF YOU DIDN'T TALK AND IT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE THAT'S THE ABUSERS RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS!!!

This is where I am a complete hypocrite as I feel completely responsible for the risk of the abusers I had hurting others. I have got better with my dad as I did try and get justice and it was the CPS who decided not to take it further, but I still worry to the point it makes me ill that he'll hurt someone else. But my biggest guilt is around the ritualistic abuse and the fact my brain wont tell me enough to know who the abuser’s are, and I am completely convinced that I cannot of been the only one,

its a horrible feeling to have, the guilt that you think that you may have been able to stop someone else suffering but my friends tell me (as I just cant see it yet) that I was a child, programmed by my parents to keep things secret and its never a child’s responsibility (or anyone who is abused) to stop others hurting, they just have to do what they have to do to get through and survive. For me this was dissociation and “splitting (bad word for it but cant think of another one) into my different parts.

I have to remember that I have survived, I have survived seriously terrifying and horrifying things that should happen to no one, but I have done it. I struggle with it, and I still feel my parents have a lot of control over me through their grooming of me. I just hope that one day that I can truly break free from them, not just physically (Which is have) but also repair all the stuff they have ingrained into my head so that I can actually enjoy life. At the moment it just doesn’t seem possible, I still feel that it was all my fault because I am inherently evil and they were all just trying to make me good....what they told me.

Children look to adults, especially parents, for guidance and love and I didn’t get that, I got narcissistic mother who wants to throw everything under the carpet to make sure the world sees us as perfect family...in other words so people see her as a perfect mother (so far from the truth its ridiculous) and my dad sexually abused me or 20 + years, but yet its my fault....writing that makes it seem what I think is stupid. However i'm struggling to see it any other way, especially as this way gives me some kinda of control over something that was completely out of my control. Maybe this is why I struggle with using food as a way of control...but that’s for another post.

Hope you all stay safe, and this helps in some random way. Sorry

Lou

Its not my fault

Its not my fault – by Seren.

Why do those four words – its not my fault – send us into panic? Its not like if it was anyone else I know, I wouldn’t dream that what happened with the abuse to be their fault. But its ours!! what makes us so special? Even if we imagined the abuse we suffered was someone else, we still wouldn’t blame them. I wish that there was a simple solution into not blaming ourselves and internalising all the emotions that should be thrown at my parents. I hate to think of us as special, we hate being the centre of attention we just want to fit in (and never seem to). However we are the only abused child that its our fault....if only we could change how we perceive ourselves and I am sure that many other survivors feel the same.

I did some online research and found that adults who abuse, paedophiles, must except control and this is one of the ways that they do it. They don’t just hurt us physically and sexually but also emotionally. This emotional abuse is the centre to it, its not so much a sexual thrill they get (I think) but its the power balance and how they manage to transfer the blame to the child. They can do this in a variety of manners, through actually saying its the child’s fault, to giving them “presents” to keep them quiet. In our experience and those of people I know, it often means that we are the ones left wondering if we had done or been x y z then it wouldn’t happen. And so further believing it is our fault.

Having done some reading around I have realised that it was just the punishments that put me into the situation, but also the presents I used to get. This is a huge realisation for us, as we thought that was showing his “nice” side the side society sees, but from what I have read it was further bringing me into the damaging relationship. Having said that no person is all bad or all good. We all are a unique mixture of both. (I have mini dad (one of the alters) shouting in my ear that YOU ARE ALL EVIL NO GOOD CAN COME OF YOU) having DID does make things complicated!!!! anyway back on subject, my dad and mum do have good qualities just when it comes to me they turn bad. What Mini Dad was shouting is what I heard constantly for well over 20 years. And that is the part of the reason that my dad got away with it, I knew that it was my fault, and he was trying to help...after all 5 year old believe just about everything a parents say. Its not been programmed into my brain, and Mini Dad keeps reminding me of that very reason. And so the guilt continues. The guilt of turning them into the police and what happened from there I do see as my responsibility, although as some will tell me that they had brought it on themselves.

This is something that we struggle with a lot. People ask us why we are so different and special that if it is our fault why isn't it anyone else's. This question I cannot answer, maybe cause there is no answer, but we have been programmed for so long that it is our fault that in a way it lets feel that we have (non existent) control over our life for so long, its our fault therefore we deserved it. It also allows us to still see my parents as parents rather then them messing up our lives, which everyone else can see. I have to feel in control, we all do. I am guessing that it has a lot to do with our childhood and early years. Currently we are trying to do with with food :s if I am honest a lot of my life I was out of control, not with substance misuse, but because both my parents controlled me so much as I wasn’t the perfect vicars daughter that society believes I should have been. I wasn’t that happy go lucky child, I was suffering from the abuse my dad and his friends inflicted on my sexually and the emotional abuse from my mother. I wasn’t allowed emotions, and so I still internalise them as its safer, safer than getting rejected by the two people who are meant to be my care givers.

No child should be inflicted to what I was. However I was, and the reason for that is my evilness, I was born with it and they were just trying to get rid of it, and then using my to be for blame for everything because of it. This thinking is so wrong in a way, being a child includes innocence. Its all so conflicting.

Grooming, as they call it, meant that I didn’t talk for 20 years about what was going on, but I find it difficult to accept that it is his stuff that has made me feel like this. I feel responsible for so much including what happened to me. Will I ever feel differently? How will that affect how I see myself. I see myself with such detest, and distance myself from the body as its not ours, it belongs to them. In a way when I am hurting myself I’m not, I'm hurting them as it belongs to them always.

What gives the adults the right to transfer what they want to on a child? What gives them the right to use a child’s body as an adult plaything? Why when the adult may feel the guilt they transfer this to the child. I have no life really, I am only existing, as the past rules my life forever.

[EDIT: Seren had some help with this from some of the others, sorry its so difficult to understand.]