Well I am back in hospital :( I am not sure when I can put this up as have no internet at the moment. But oh well, at least I have my laptop and can type away!
My mood is so low and this is why I was admitted, everything is so chaotic in my head, they are having arguments between themselves about what we should do...many of us are quite suicidal at the moment. I also have a “mini dad” screaming in my head about how Evil I am (nothing unusual there and I already know that I don’t need reminding ever two seconds) the new thing with him is that evilness is now on a continuum and the fact I am trying to eat and drink is making me more evil. OK I know that none of this is making any sense to anyone else, but in my mind we are a complete mess.
I have just gone back on antidepressant as everyone agreed that something needed to be done, but its going to take a while to get back up to the dose that I was on 3 months ago when I came off it and then for it to work. I honestly don’t know how much I can take. Its going to be a slow recovery this time, or at least it feels like it. I usually bounce back quite quickly, but I frankly don’t feel any better than I did when I came in here. Being in an acute mental health unit, and especially this one, has no therapeutic value for me, its no ones fault just that the staff aren’t trained in what I need. The other thing that is happening that is hopefully going to get me out of this cycle of being in and out of hospital is that I have been referred to the complex trauma team within the trust and they have a specialist in abuse and DID, so hopefully this referral comes through quite quickly as I need this support in order to move on with my life.
The unit is so changeable and sometimes it feels like that you have to be acting out to get any support as everyone is so busy, but that is probably my own perception and lack of confidence in seeking out for support at times when I am acutely distressed. I have my own little system to get support when I am able to put it in place (kinda depends on staff etc.) where I hand in a note. I find writing, as I have said many times before, so much easier than just talking. This is particularly at the moment where there just aren’t the words to speak what’s in my head.
Life is so hard right now. Everyone can see a little light, and at my slightly better moments I can, especially with the referral. But most of the time my life is dark, quite literally as needing to hide so not only have my hood up I keep putting my hair over my face (especially my eyes for some reason). It feels so much safer, I think because no one can see how vulnerable I am right now. When that happens bad things happen.
I am desperately trying to write this as just me, Lou, as then it can be slightly more coherent (not totally though as both I never am and I am just so exhausted!!) but its hard with everyone trying to take control.
Luce xxx (sat 12th July 2014)
well its now 18th July, and I am still in hospital. Things have slightly improved after starting the trazadone (antidepressant), and I get bits of feeling kinda OK (not brill but OK) but these are only bits, and it feels like someone has given me a cake, I've taken one bite and then they have snatched it away. Makes the dark times seem even worse and on my own. Ffs I am in a hospital full of people yet I feel completely alone at the moment.
Today is one of the bad days, even though its so hot and clammy up on the ward I am wearing my hoodie, and hoping like mad that I wont pass out. I feel physically not too good either, which I think is just because I am tired. I am sleeping better but yet I feel even more exhausted than ever which I just don't understand.
I am so close to bursting into tears. I hate crying. I hate feeling out of control as that’s when I am at my most risky as just cant cope with it, I don’t know if I am completely weird for that. But being out of control for me just reminds me that when I was a child I was never in control of my body. He had that, and that’s why my body isn't mine. I lost that a long time ago, its been taken, hurt and abused to the point it doesn’t belong to me any more.
As you can probably tell I am not in a great space. But too scared to talk to the staff as they are busy, and I am meant to be OK in the morning.
Hope that the next post is slightly more positive!!!