2nd post in 3 days whoop! Getting good at this blogging malarkey!
Today blog is about rejection as the title suggests...god that sounds like a teacher talking sorry. The reason for this particular post is that it was my brother's 30th Yesterday and this has brought up a lot of feelings of rejection and abandonment for me. (thank you Sharnie for putting up with the test and Charley for talking to me for hours on Skype and keeping me busy, I am truly grateful for all the support that I get! And YOU for reading this blog!)
I want to suggest and show you that it is possible to feel these things and not necessarily have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder!
Many of you know that I am currently fighting my BPD/EUPD (Emotionally unstable personality disorder, the term used across the UK) as I feel that I have grown out of this diagnosis. I am glad that I have won a small battle and my primary diagnosis is now PTSD!
Anyway for some background....
Once my parents had become very much involved in my life again (Not a good thing in hindsight as this will show you) my BPD became very apparent as a lot of it was to do with the controlling nature of my mother (and later my father as well), and Rachel being extremely present (she's the very impulsive one, plus the Prozac when I was in hospital) I came very very impulsive and chaotic and displayed almost all the characteristics and diagnostic criteria, the only one not was anger.
At this time I was overdosing a lot, and texting my brother as he was a doctor to ask what would happen to me. I was very unwell at the time and this is why I ended up being sectioned.
Then Lavender came, and I was able to feel safe enough to actually open up about the biggest trigger to my illness the abuse that my father inflicted on Lucy. This was the beginning of my healing process, and Lucy has made a lot of progress since then, with me now disputing that I even have the diagnosis as a whole (rather than the different parts of Lucy).
Sorry if I bored you with that, and sorry for the switchness, I will try and control this this post!
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5.
On the website Borderline world they interpret it as this, I think this is aimed at carers and other people that are involved with people with BPD
These traits can sometimes make it very difficult for a person to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD, as their behaviour and actions can be difficult to tolerate and hard to understand. It is important for those close to a BPD sufferer to educate themselves on the condition so that they can empathise with what the sufferer is going through and how they are feeling.
Having had friends that have had BPD I can guess what they mean in terms of abandonment and rejection is that things like the fear of abandonment and rejection when they know that they are going nowhere is really difficult to understand unless you have been there!
(trying to be objective about this!!!)
Well now that I am fighting this diagnosis, it is possible that I will still feel these things, I might have borderline traits or maybe in this situation anyone would feel this way. I personally think that many people show the traits to borderline, as many react in a similar way.
Now via that detour back to my brother's 30th birthday. I felt sad that I couldn’t be a part of his celebrations (although he's in Spain according to facebook!) or be able to even send a card, as I don’t know where he lives, I am not friends with him on facebook, I don’t have his mobile number etc. etc. But also the feelings of abandonment and rejection by him came rearing its ugly head!
I know that I had my part to play in the reasons that he has decided not to have me in his life, I was very unwell at the time and I wish I had the opportunity to show him how much I have changed. But I also know that my mother will have got to him after I came clean about the abuse that I suffered and the subsequent police investigation (and then the cutting of all ties to my parents), and that will have played a part in his decision too. Or at least this is what I can surmise from what I knew of him then. Or maybe he decided to take my lead in cutting from my family but I am pretty sure they are in some sort of contact. I cant read his mind and so I will never know why he has cut me from his life.
But the abandonment is real, the rejection is real, and I think a lot of people would feel the same if they were in my situation.
I feel abandoned by him because he is the only real person (apart from my parents who I am sure are in complete denial about their role within our family) I feel that he is the only person who could not only verify my family situation as a kid, even if he had no idea of the abuse, we were a very dysfunctional family as a whole. And this of cause has had its part to play in my illness over the years. But mostly because I love him unconditionally and I thought he did to.
My rejection is also very very real. He one minute was talking to me, and coming to see me while he was at Brighton Pride (and this was after it all kicked off with my parents) the next a text saying he was only down for the day and couldn't meet up. And then nothing, not a thing, and nothing ever since. I wanted him for a short while to be my next of kin while I sorted it out, but no contact with either me or Lavender (Sharon, one of the nurses, bless her tried her hardest). Its such a big rejection when you are going through the hardest time of your life (a police investigation against your dad) to suddenly and a few weeks later be completely rejected by your brother hurts. It hurts big time.
BUT you could say that these two thought patterns of mine are part and parcel of a BPD diagnosis but who wouldn’t feel like this when this has happened, who wouldn't feel hurt?
My example is a very current one as I explained, but smaller ones could be used. I do constantly check with my friends that I haven’t upset them (sorry guys) but that is actually against me having a BPD diagnosis as they just run with the idea that rejection and abandonment has taken place and either seek revenge or internalise it (I do realise that I am seriously generalising here) but they don't check it out! Also although I am very insecure about wondering if I upset people I don’t think for a minute they are going to run away as I don’t give them the reason to (or at least I hope that I don't) any more.
I have changed, and it is possible, BPD is not a life sentence!!!
image sorced online and not my own