Well it's fathers' day in the UK, and I am desperately trying to keep busy as I find it incredibly difficult especially as its my brothers birthday tomorrow, a day of rejection but that’s for another post!
I'll start with what I wrote in my journal for my CPN, it kinda encapsulates how I am right now....
Well its fathers' day and I am struggling. Wanna cry but can't. I am so confused by everything. My dad did what he did to me and I completely and utterly hate him for that – sorry trying to keep control. But, it wasn’t all bad, like when he used to read to us until lights out, or more likely we were asleep first. But that memory is tinted with what happened after – there were others (good memories that is) I just cant remember any of them. Why can't I remember them? I just remember the bad stuff, all the hurt and pain, all the lies and manipulation and it still goes on, inside my head.
I'll stop there as Rachel takes over and that not a good thing!
I think for many whose abuser is a family member they might be able to relate to that, how there are good bits, good memories but they are taken over by the completely catastrophic bad stuff, whether the abuse physical, sexual or emotional. Or at least in my experience that’s what happens.
However in some way this would make things easy, as you can just hate the abuser and not have to get confused by it all, but nothing is ever all bad or all good. Sometimes a good memory comes in, not when you want it though, but for me it always seems tinged by everything else that has gone on. Like when my dad was so excited that I was home for my first Christmas after I started uni, he gave me a huge hug, but of cause he had more than one reason to be happy that I was home.
While I have been trying to write this – its been a lot harder than I thought it would be – I have been trying to think of good memories, birthdays or something, but nothing really forms...am I the only one? And the bits that do form always are tinged with his stuff (sorry just can't write that word right now, its far too close to home), plus with my mother being so emotionally abusive as well, good memories were always few and far between
Maybe if I could understand why, just why, then maybe I could deal with all the crap of my life and heal...but that is far too simple even I know that. I do know some of his history,
For all of us fathers' day isn’t a good day, we are a whole in some ways, and our dislike of today is one of those, whoever I am, whatever age that they are there is always something that means that today isn’t a great one, its just full of how father's should be, and how far from that reality mine is.
I mean who takes a 5 year old to a group of the occult? And explains it as getting the evil out of them? A FIVE year old? They are full of innocence and playfulness, why inflict that on LuLu?
OMG I hate that name, that's what HE calls me.
See I keep flittering between people (another reason that this is hard) but one of (I don't think you have met char) sees everything in the 3rd person and so can see the real horror of it, but when we are any of the others it hurts like hell, and I, Lou, still believe that I am evil, and that he was only trying to make best out of a bad situation, I mean what other parent wouldn't want to fix a child? But for Rosie, she just is hurt, physically, emotionally and mentally by the whole situation, but it is her that it happened to.
Right I am going to go, as this isn’t working out as I’d hoped and is getting very confusing in my head as everyone wants to talk :(