Complex PTSD and me

Hi guys,

Sorry that I haven't been around, I have been really quite unwell mentally and was admitted to my local psych unit for a week. Although I am not 100% OK, I am pleased that I am feeling better than I was 10 days ago. I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks about my issues, and I wanted to share these, in the hope that someone else might not feel as alone.

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). As the name suggests its more complex than PTSD.  I am not saying that people with PTSD don't suffer because they do. It is thought that complex PTSD arises when the abuse that they have suffered is prolonged, and its not just sexual abuse (although that is the case with me), after all it was first used in South Africa with the violence and civil disturbance!

There is some overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder (and about 75% of people with BPD have suffered from abuse, and that is usually sexual) but they are very different disorders, and should not be used intertwined. BPD as it suggests is a Personality Disorder that until recently people didn't think that it was recoverable, but I am living proof that it is! C-PTSD is an anxiety disorder.

C-PTSD has 6 clusters for diagnosis-
1) Alterations in regulation of affect and impulsivity
2) Alterations in attention or consciousness
3) Alterations in Self perception
4) Alterations in relations to others
5) Somatization
6) Alterations in systems of meaning.

on there own I don't think that they make much sense, but I am going to go through them one at a time. First, however is a quick bit on insomnia. I also need to explain that I can see things intellectually and can understand the issues on this level, but emotionally I am much further behind. I guess the best way to describe it is these two parts are completely separate.

One of my biggest problems it seems, especially since coming out of hospital has been my insomnia. (hence writing this at 3am!). Sleep deprivation is extremely bad for anyone's mental health, you just have to think how grumpy people can be if they don't get enough sleep, but for me (and probably many people) it can either make my hyper (than have a massive crash) or make me extremely low. In DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy a treatment for BPD that I had when I lived in Wales) the need for a proper sleep pattern and sleep hygiene is emphasised, yet I still can't seem to let myself sleep.  It is very difficult for me as I also suffer from extreme nightmares that means that I am absolutely scared of sleep. Whilst insomnia isn't part of the diagnostic criteria for C-PTSD I personally know a lot of people who it affects and that nightmares are part of PTSD. For me it is often reliving the past, and it feels so out of control as it feels like there is nothing I can do to stop them. I just know that I cant go on like this, as it will make me really unwell again, so if anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them.

Alterations in regulation and impulsivity - this involves difficulty in regulating emotions. for me this means that I have chronic depression. I used to have extremes of emotions and going from one to another at a 100 miles an hour. I have worked through that, and since I have started to talk about the abuse that I suffered by my parents (and others) this has become a lot less. I still, at times feel suicidal (which is why I was admitted to the psych unit) and often feel like I have to have the means around me for a safety net (not very safe safety net I must admit), I have attempted to take my own life previously, and it can really scare me when I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of ending it all, it's not that I want to be selfish it is just that there is so much emotional pain an it feels like it is never ever going to end. this part could turn into a post of its own!!! I also self harm through mainly cutting (but my eating disorder in a way is self harm) I get very angry at myself (no one else, and I am not aware of it as its so alien to me) and feel the need to punish myself, but also somehow the blood coming out is evilness coming out of me, something I will explore later. This part of C-PTSD is very similar to BPD, however BPD has much more extreme abandonment issues for example, something that only rears its ugly head very occasionally now.

Alterations in Attention or consciousness - there are three main points to this part of the cluster, amnesia/reliving/dissociation. I have suffered at one time or other all three. I "forgot" the abuse that my father did to me for years and years (even though it was still going on, that leads into the dissociation). I remember it clearly when I began to allow myself to feel safe enough to start remembering, I was in one of my MA seminars and we we're watching "Oranges aren't the only Fruit" (the exorcism scene) and it began. Once it began I couldn't stop it, although at many times I really wish that it would. It didn't come all at once, and to be honest I still think that I have a lot that is yet to come out. It might seem weird to people who haven't been through trauma that you can forget it, but it is a coping strategy, that especially when I was young, my mind knew that I couldn't cope with what was going on and so it split away the part that was experiencing the abuse....our brains are amazing things, as it only allowed me to start to remember when I was strong enough (although it doesn't feel like it at times!!) I relive my abuse on a daily basis, through flashbacks and nightmares. For me they are not just visual, but I am using every sense to the point I think that I am back there, I can feel his body weight on me, I can smell him and so on. This is very very frightening, and it often leads me to dissociate. I dissociate in two main ways, amnesia – where I loose a lot of time, it can be hours. the best way that I can describe this is that have you ever been on a familiar journey and reached your destination? well it is an extreme version of this, and even within this part of my dissociation I do two completely different things, I either completely freeze where I feel locked into my body, or I can appear completely normal, I can go out – this is the dangerous one for me, as this is where I self harm now (rather than being a conscious de scion) and the last two times that I took an overdose I was in this potion. The other type of Dissociation that I suffer from is DID (Dissociation Identity Disorder formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder), As I said earlier my mind split because of the abuse, and that has left me with various personalities within me, they are different ages, different sexes, like and dislike different things, but they all play a part. A very good friend gave me a very good way of looking at it, a chocolate orange, they are all separate segments but together they become a whole. on YouTube there is a very good lecture on DID by a sufferer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N-cmCGjlnE) that explains it so well. I have only recently began to talk to people about my alters, and I am really scared that people will think that I am crazy but because I suffered such extreme abuse (SRA) as well as the abuse by my father this is the result, once again this could be a post on its own!

Alterations in self-perception - In a way this is the most self explanatory of all of them, it can include chronic sense of helplessness shame guilt etc. This one is also very relevant for me. My Dad and the group of men have made me feel that I am evil, as this was their explanation of why they did what they did, a massive alteration in my own self perception from a very early age!! I also blame myself as I in some ways wanted it – I hate talking about this, but it is important – it was the only affection that I got so craved it, although I hated the physical pain! this has lead me to feel really guilty and ashamed, and a chronic feeling that I must have asked for it, also because that it went on till I was 27, I think that I should have been able to stop him. If I do my pretending the situation is someone else (And this is the only way that I can do it) I wouldn't blame them, I would see that they were a little girl when it started and that it is a natural reaction to want human touch, and that she was groomed to stay in that abusive relationship as it was all she really knew. I wish that I could change the way that I feel, but I honestly don't know how to, and what would be left if I did. its not that I want to be seem as a victim all the time, I just still need to discover myself, which I am learning to do, I can see that I am (hopefully) caring and willing to help. slowly my confidence is building, although I have recently had several knock backs to it. Changing core beliefs and feelings around them will take time, but I am chipping at it slowly and methodically.

Alteration in relations to others - This from what I have read around the subject relates to the perpetrator and my relationship with him, as well as people around me. I find this so difficult as I think I love him, after all he is my dad, and it wasn't all bad, he read us (me and my brother) bed time stories, and was really kind and loving at times. this really messes with my head. I know that all people are a mixture of good and bad, and no-one is evil (except me :/ but I find it so hard to work out him when it was such extremes. He does have power and control over me, even now, in fact they both do, with holding my sentimental belongings hostage and mum refusing to remove herself as nearest relative (a legal position in mental health law). but also they have managed it with the emotional abuse and how my self perception is screwed! I still completely believe what they told me, I can only remember one time that my mum praised me (the day that I got my degree results) so continue to feel like I am a complete failure. I know that I can see the problem, but after 27 years of this, I think that it is going to take time for me to change this...I just wish there was a magic wand!!! I also think of revenge, but I am not completely consumed by it as some people may be, my revenge was going to be through the courts however because it was historical before I  had the strength (with the help of everyone around me - thank you) to go to the Police, there was not enough evidence as there was no forensic evidence I never got to get my revenge in a public way, however as many people have pointed out to me people will guess why he hasn't been at work, and that it will affect him.
In terms of relationships with others, I have worked on this a lot since I was at Lavender Lodge, before that I was very chaotic in both how I was and how I related to others – not a good combination, and I am truly sorry to those who knew me then! I do still withdraw and isolate myself especially when my mood is low, even though I know that it is a maladaptive coping strategy and is likely to make things worse. The other thing that I do is around trust. It takes me a lot to trust someone but when I do I trust them wholeheartedly, whether they deserve it or not, and this has, in the past, led me getting in really nasty situations (such as being on-line stalked!)

Somatization -  My understanding of this is  having somatic physical symptoms in response to emotional issues although it does confuse me a little so please forgive me if I have got this wrong. it is not someone making it up for attention or being a hypochondriac, the symptoms feel very real, and I, know this because its happened to me. One way that this happens to me is my asthma, with the flashbacks and the pressure I feel on my chest invokes me asthma, but part of it, I realise now that a lot of it was because of my anxiety. The other way it manifests its self in me is pain. I find emotional pain so difficult to deal with that my body turns it into physical pain. This makes it difficult for me now that I realise that this does go on, as I don't know how to work out whether I’m in pain because of something physical or emotional.

Alterations of systems of meaning - this can  manifest itself in various ways such as loosing faith, which I guess that I did, but I was quite young when this happened. Because of my dads position within the church, for me the association of church and religion in general has major negative connotations for me, Also because of the black magic involved the whole idea of organised religion scares the hell out of me (they were also clergy in the church) and therefore I have no sense of faith. I also feel at times a sense of hopelessness and despair that leads to the suicidal thinking.

Luce xxx

labels

Hey guys

　

I thought that I would write a post about labels. Sometimes these labels can be good, other times they have such a stigma that the way that people treat you is not very nice.

　

Mental Health itself has a huge stigma against it, especially compared to mental health, people think that others can "pull themselves" out of depression, or are not "trying hard enough" to ignore the voices they hear. Mental illness is just that an illness, such as any other illness or condition. You wouldn't tell someone with appendicitis that lying in bed isn't doing them any good, so why do people say things to people who are suffering from Mental Health Conditions????

　

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The stigma that this group often finds is from the health professionals themselves. People assume the self injury is "attention seeking" and anything that they might say is "manipulative". One person with BPD is very different from an other, like any other illness, but people see this particular diagnosis and believe that this is what sufferers are like!

　

75% of BPD sufferers have had an abusive upbringing, including myself. some professionals think that another way of saying BPD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even though they are different type of illness. what’s probably more true is some people supposedly with BPD actually have C-PTSD!

　

I am no way saying that I never had BPD, because my life before lavender was extremely chaotic, I was very angry that I tried not to let out, but it spilt out, terrified of rejection to the point it was safer to reject first and so on. I was a typical BPD. However now, since I have been able to speak about the true problem (my abuse) I no longer feel that I am BPD, but trying to get this off my current record is seeming to be quite difficult, even though I know that people who are involved in my care agree with me.

　

writing this it seems that I am conflicted, not over my current diagnosis, but having the BPD on my record, because of its stigma, yet I want to fight this stigma.

　

Different people think differently to labels. some find them helpful – helpful that they know what’s wrong with them. some find them unhelpful, and I think (well for me) because of the stigma.

　

when I was originally diagnosed back in 2002 I was pleased that I knew what was wrong, I could research it and find out what can make things better, such as DBT or STEPPS. But I have become more and more disillusioned with it over the years because of the way that I have been treated. treated that everything I　have done was because I was "attention seeking". Attention seeking is used bad thing, yet everyone needs attention, and if your not getting it in the right way then you going to have to seek it in other ways.

　

My dad, after my parents found out my diagnosis, searched online, and then used it against me. everything I did was because he felt I wasn't the "centre attention" I HATE BEING THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION I did the self harm, the overdose, the going up to Beachy Head because I was distressed and HE caused that distress!!! Sometimes I can rationalise it, knowing that if he could make everyone see me as how he wanted them to see me as then people wouldn't believe me when I started to speak the truth! But that doesn't stop the hurt that the acquisitions he threw at me hurt. he knew I was hurting but wanted to save his own skin! I think this is the reason　that I hate the diagnosis so much.

　

Diagnosis (Labels) aren't everything about a person, whether they are physical or mental　health a person is them!

control

Hey guys,

This kind of follows on from me previous post, and has become so important to me because of the way my parents have manipulated people into giving them details on me. 

One thing that is the same across all different types of abuse and even beyond abuse in some situations is control. It is the "thing" that the perpetrators’ are wanting, sexual abuse isn’t about the sex it’s about having control over their victim, and the same for other types of abuse, or even bullying etc. 

My parents were always very controlling of me. Looking back now it feels that I never really had the freedom that any person should have. I will give you a couple of quick examples; when I was 17 and choosing which degree that I wanted to do at uni, I had changed my mind and so had changed what I had applied for (to Sociology and History from English and History) when my mum found out she went crazy as it’s not what she wanted me to do; the other example is that when I moved into my first flat down south my dad put parental control on my computer so that I couldn’t go on amazon etc., i was 26! These are just two examples, although trivial ones, of where i feel that my parents tried to control me more than they had a right to. I am my own person and feel that I should be able to make my own decisions’ whether they are right or wrong. After all the only real way to learn is to make mistakes.

I am sure that they would defend themselves by saying that they would only want what is best for me (?!?) and were trying to help. However they had control over me, I was forever trying to live up to their expectations, which in themselves were very mixed up, depending on how they wanted to be seen, although always to look the perfect parents, whether I had to be a great student (when it was doing my MA that fell into that) or the carer that puts themselves out (with my "illness" but of cause parts of it had to be hidden, such as my self -harm). None of it, of cause, was the truth...that the control that they exercised over me was more than a normal parent, and in abnormal abusive ways, and I learned to keep quiet, but no more.

When I made the decision to tell, say what had been really going on, I was trying to break that control, take my life back for me. It took a lot of trust in those I was talking to at Lavender, as I had been quietened so often by my parents becoming too involved so that I wouldn't be believed, but I had finally found somewhere that I was safe, and could talk. Through talking about the abuse I have been able to take a lot of the control back from them.

However they still try and control me, even though they cannot do it directly any more. My mum won't give up the role of Nearest Relative (A legal role should I ever be sectioned again) even though she cannot comment on my mental health as I have no contact and will have no contact with them. They also continue to hold some sentimental items "hostage", probably because they know that I want them....they are not willing to realise that I want, and deserve, control over my life, I want to be free, a Survivor away from all the maladaptive and very damaging control they have had over me.

I wish it was all simple, but it’s not, I am not free of them as I wish to be, their "programming" of me, and how I should present them, continues to plague me. The way that they made me feel about myself continues, and I still see myself as evil and obviously wanting what they were doing to me. In my head I am not free, but one day I hope to be completely free inside and out of their devastating influences over me.

will i always have to run?

Hi guys,

A couple of weeks ago I found out that my aunty had given my parents my address. This I have found so scary. I am not blaming my aunty, I know how manipulative my parents are, but it has left me in a position where i feel even less safe in my flat. I know that they are not likely to just turn up, they are much more likely to write or ring me, but that doesn’t take away the fear, i want to move again, but will I have to just be on the run every time they find out (and I am sure they will). This has lead me to thinking about a lot of stuff from my past and how I have been trying to run away from them for all of my life.

As I have said before my childhood was not the happiest, it was extremely abusive from both parents (sexually with my dad and emotionally with mum), I hated being at home and would do anything I could do to not be. I would go to school when I was ill. I remember when I was 17 I had been in hospital for 5 days and made myself go to school the next day so I wasn’t at home (I had my A' Levels coming up, a very good excuse!) and I often felt like running away from home. 

I studied hard at school to get into uni. Going to uni was my escape. In some ways I didn’t care where I went and what I studied as long as I wasn’t at home. It was my chance of freedom...or so I thought. The abuse continued while I was at uni. 

When I was in my second year I met my ex. in some ways this was the happiest time of my life. Although he made me change, I wasn’t allowed to be unhappy/upset etc. etc. etc., but he left me alone. Kev was my chance to escape. I would have tried to change my whole personality to be with him, but, if I am honest, it was to get away from them more than wanting to make Kev happy. This is something that I have only just allowed myself to realise. I did love Kev, but he was also really bad for me. After we split, everything started again. I stayed in north wales for a while, but being so isolated meant that my mental health got worse and I ended up living back at my parents (where it continued to worsen) something I promised myself I would never do.

But, it’s not just the physical running away I did, I ran away in my mind. I managed to not be here when physically I am, it makes me safe, away from the nasty horrible stuff, the painful stuff. Not just the sexual abuse by both my dad and the group of men, but as much as I could I hid away in my mind. It’s called dissociation, and the easiest way that I can describe it is I loose hours at a time, when I can appear like any other member of society but me, my soul is hiding away.

I also have different personalities where my mind has split, they are different ages, different sexes, I don’t really know how to describe it, but if you search for multiplicity me on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/user/MultiplicityAndMe) she explains it very well.

This all used to be useful, more than useful a survival tactic, but now it’s dangerous for me. I am more likely to self-harm when I am dissociating, the whole thought process from deciding to cut to completing the act I am not aware of, the last few overdoses I have not been aware of. No longer is it a safety mechanism. But I still use it day after day to run away from the crap my parents have left in my head.

Will I ever be able to run away from them? No. if I do manage it physically, they have left scars in my mind, and that’s meant that I have left scars across my body.

Family.

Hey guys,

I have said bits and pieces over the blog around my family, but I guess I wanted to talk about it more. Firstly I guess I should say that my parents are still together, and I have a younger brother. I don’t have any of them anymore, some of which I am so glad about - my parents, and not being In contact with my brother is a huge loss. This is so raw this week, as I got a text message on New Year’s Eve that could possibly be from my brother, but I don’t know. I have replied but I haven't yet had a reply back. I am so lucky that I do have a family that I have made myself, after all friends are the family you choose...and I certainly wouldn't want to choose my blood family!!!

Families’ are something that in a way you cannot get away from. It’s all over the media, TV etc. It can be shown as perfect families, especially this time of year. (Although much in the media at the moment is around families that are benefit scroungers etc.!!). I guess that no family is perfect, but mine was so far from perfect, but no one was allowed to know It. my mum is very worried about how the family is viewed by wider society. This has had a major Impact on me. When I was a teenager my depression started, my mum was so ashamed. I remember two things so vividly, first was when one of my teachers at school brought It up at parents evening, she went mad at me when we got home for not appearing perfect. The other was when I used to go for walks as I lived in a village my mum wouldn’t allow me to go on these unless I promised to "look happy". This I guess is how I have got so good at putting a mask on. I hate to think how she thinks and feels about me now, having broken the massive secret to public knowledge. When it first became apparent that my mental health was going to have a huge detrimental effect on my quality of life, she was extremely embarrassed, to the point that she lied about why I was in hospital to people after my first admission to a mental health unit. In the paper a few months ago there was an article on my parents and how the church had put a "gagging" order on why they hadn’t been around. I am sure my mum had this Idea! my mum was also very emotionally abusive towards me, I was the black sheep of the family, I can only ever remember her praising me once and that’s when I got my degree results back In 2003. When she realised that my Illness could work In her favour, It put me Ina position that I found It Incredibly hard to fight from, she wanted to be seen as my "saviour" and was always there for me (a whole load of sh*t!!!)

My dad was very opposites. He hurt me in ways that has left me severely distressed a lot of the time, and suffering from mental health problems. HIs power over me was complete, and from a very early age he abused me right till I was 27 and also introduced me to a group of men who ritualistically abused me. However he was also so kind and really did care about me in his own way. I remember when I was little him reading me and my brother lord of the rings at bed time, and really wanted to help. This all changed when he had researched my Illness at the time (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I think he realised the Impact the abuse was having (It was still going on at this time) and suddenly my behaviour wasn’t because I was distressed but because I was an attention seeking little itch...which of cause turned the focus off him. I found this change so very difficult, as no longer as there a nice side to him towards me. 

That’s the basics of my parents, they were very controlling, but I do think that in some way they cared about me, just the way that they behaved has caused me so much distress. Their control was so overbearing however, they wanted to, and still want to, control every part of my life and not allow me to be a person that wants to recover as that would have to change their role and the fact that they are the doting parents who would do anything for their sick daughter. The relief that I have now that they don’t have much control (they won’t give me my stuff back or change nearest relative) I can be me, I have changed so much because of It.

We had family counselling when I was 14/15. It was a complete waste of time as It turned into blame Lucy hour every single week. After 6 months even the therapist knew that we were getting nowhere. I spent It either counting windows (I do this when I am stressed out In a situation that I can get out of, and hope that Its even because that makes me feel safer!) or starting at the scales. They wanted me to go Into Individual therapy, but my mum persuaded me not to after all how would that look on the family????

I miss having a family, not mine as It Is so dysfunctional and damaging, but having that person who loves me unconditionally (something parents didn’t do). And I miss my brother. He’s the only one who can come anywhere close to understanding what It Is like being a child in my family. He was always the perfect one who could do no wrong (even If It was his doing, but I would get the blame), but I do love him. It’s strange how can I miss something that I never had?

Xxx

The Holidays and a New Year

Hey Guys,

I was hoping to write this over the holiday period, but it was struggling too much to put two words together, let alone a whole post - it was all too raw at the time. I am still struggling, but at least now it don't have the added pressure of the forced jollity on me!!!!

I have always hated Christmas. I don't know maybe it enjoyed it when it was little, but it don't really remember. I hate how everyone thinks everyone else’s Christmas is perfect, with everyone getting along, and having a good time. This is all a load of crap anyway, Christmas is stressful for the calmest of people let alone me! I also hate that on the TV there is so much emphasis on families. I don't have one anymore, which is my own choice, but when it’s being forced down my neck 24/7 it hits me how alone it am. I am really lucky in the great friends that it have and it did have a good Christmas at my friends, being able to do what we wanted rather than what was forced upon us, and it found out Vegan "turkey" is actually really nice.

I personally don't believe in the religious side. Even though it was forced to go to church for 27 years when I was at my parents, it haven't believed in Christianity for a very long time. I know that to them and their extended family and millions of people around the world this is a very important part, just not to me. I will always associate it with being forced to go for the family’s appearance, and how angry that made me at them. I am not going into a huge religious debate as it don't think its appropriate here, it think a lot of my issue with it is the forcing me to, rather than allowing me to make my on decisions - taking that control away from me. Christmas for me is a huge reminder how much control they had over me. 

I also hate it now as the last time that my dad did what he would do to me (still can’t actually write the word!) was over the Christmas period 3 years ago, when I was on leave from the psychiatric unit where it was an inpatient. The last time was New Year’s Day 2011. I will never be able to forget it. I have said to a few people over the last few days that it wish that it had been some random day as that might have been easier to forget, but to be honest, it don’t think that it would ever forget it. When it write this it feel that it should celebrate this rather than dread it, it was the end to the physical pain and sexual abuse that had been happening since it was 5. However it didn’t know that this would be the last time, it is only circumstances that meant that it never happened again, and the emotional stuff carried on till 2011 when it got up the courage to say what had happened. It’s come out in little bits, and is still coming out now 2 1/2 years later - it’s the only way it feel safe to be able to talk.. So for me Christmas is full of bad memories, fear, and loneliness even in a full room.

Well now it’s the New Year, and it have gotten through another year, it have fought my demons and won the battle, but the war continues. I personally can't look forward too much, that doesn't feel safe at all, but it do want this year to be better, to be able to feel safe in my own flat, to be able to be free. It know that’s not going to happen any time soon, if it does at all, it just wish there is a magic wand :( I hate the idea of New Year resolutions because so few people keep to them, and why can’t you decide things when you’re ready (like I’m not giving up smoking yet! but when it do it can be then not 1st January!) but it have thought of a few things that it would like to change, and that’s to try and put me first sometimes, and ask for the support it need. (Plus the usual lose some weight that meds put on me, get fitter blah blah!)

Anyway it wish you all Happy New Year, and hope this year brings you all that you desire. 

xx

overwhelmed

Hi guys,

in have been feeling really overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, and in thought it might help to write it here and share it to see if other people feel the same, or have any ideas.

I actually had a couple of months of feeling stable. I was able to get on with work and feel its benefits - being able to give back has always helped me. But it’s also given me a lot of confidence and in that time in felt that the confidence that in felt was seeping into other areas of my life, and in felt in was really getting somewhere.

Then, at the end of November it was my mother’s birthday. This hit me hard, especially as in wasn't expecting it to. In felt so guilty about what in have put her and my dad through, and putting me first. And guilty that in as her daughter wasn’t celebrating her birthday. This is when the overwhelming feelings started and they took hold so quickly. I have always felt guilty about putting myself first, throughout the years in was in touch with my parents it was drilled into me that how the family appeared was most important, not how in felt. The programming once again has made me crumble. My mum expected a present from us, it wasn't something that you do to be nice it had to be done, and now in don’t in still feel so guilty that in don’t. This all sounds quite trivial and stupid, but when you put it into context with the way my family dynamics worked, and the control of my parents over me in hope you can get some kind of understanding why this has affected me so much.

My feelings of overwhelming once they started took on a life of their own. I started having very dark flashbacks of some things that happened to me by a group of men when I was a child. I don’t want to go into great detail about them, but would like to explain the impact that this has had on me. Flashbacks seem to be taking on a life of their own, and feel me with complete terror. It’s like they take over me, with every sense, visual, through smell to touch, being used to hurt me once again. I don’t seem to have any sense of grounding once they start and often they lead me to dissociate and that can lead onto self-harm. How do you get a sense of reality when every sense you have has been dragged back to when in was 6 years old??? Any ideas are gladly welcomed, as for me it overwhelms every ounce of my body. 

Christmas is also a bad time for me, and with it looming, the overwhelming sense of dread won’t leave me day and night. I know that Christmas is a bad time for a lot of people, and as an adult in always struggled with it. However back in holiday season of  2009/2010 in was on placed on section 3 on Christmas Eve, but had leave to go home Christmas day (and Boxing day and New Year’s Day) and that was the last time that my dad abused me. At the time in didn't know that this would be the last time, it was more circumstances that meant it was, but for me this has completely ruined the Christmas season. I have made sure that in am not on my own, and staying with a friend. I just feel sadness that Christmas will never be special again, and the anguish of what he did to me will always taint Christmas. 

I did manage to get some extra support last week from the Crisis team, but they discharged me on Monday, in believe because of my current diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) as it was mentioned if they kept me on in would feel rejected when they pulled out. This is just not true, and in feel that my needs weren’t kept in mind....hence I wanting my diagnosis changed! I am so lucky with my support network, in have a lot of friends, and some really close friends, as well as professional support, but the feeling of overwhelmed with so much negative emotions, and with a huge feeling that in am not entitled to ask for support in really don’t know how to get through the next few weeks. 

The picture is of Eastbourne Pier at night, one of the things that calms me. 

are behavioral therapies the be all and end all????

 Hey guys. 

I'm quite biased on this, mainly because I had Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for 8 years with no other therapy offered, but I can see their place. 

I personally have done both DBT (as I have mentioned) and STEPPS as well as some CBT, but I truly believe that they are not the answer on their own. Fair enough trying to get coping strategies in order to cope with issues and maladaptive coping (such as Self-harm) but what about dealing with the issues that lay behind all the behavior  Can changing how you deal with things through mindfulness or opposite to emotion actually mean that you can move on with your life without dealing with past issues. This is a personalized thoughts, and for some people this may work, but I feel that it doesn't deal with the real issues.

I do currently have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, hence being offered these therapies, and I do feel that they have helped a little, given me more choices when I need it. However I feel I need to deal with the root of my problems (the abuse) to be able to truly move on. For me nothing really changed until I started talking a little about this, rather than trying to change my thinking. I have found that by talking about stuff that really distresses me has started to change my core beliefs, well at least but a little bit of doubt on them. 

I will give an example. I believe that I am evil, and this is why what happened happened. Within therapy it was just challenging this, however because this belief is so entrenched I couldn't.  I didn't know the challenges and as I believed it with my whole body I just didn't know how to think differently. But, when I was seeing the psychologist at Lavender I began to understand where this came from (i.e. my abuser told me repeatedly that this is the reason that he did what he did) and then came up with challenges, the one that has really stuck with me is that people who are evil don’t worry about it (like I do). I still struggle with it, but things have shifted slightly so now I see the possibility of it not being true.

I am not saying that behavioral therapies don't work, because I would be wrong, I am sure there is a lot of research showing their validity. I just feel that there is too much emphasis on this, treating symptoms instead of their cause, and for some people, such as myself, this doesn't help. Of cause everyone is individual and maybe for some people it means that they can get on with their lives.

I think what I find so infuriating for myself is that the Government and CCGs put so much money into these, but nothing really into longer term therapy so I can deal with the abuse and what that has left me with. Today mental health is meant to be personalized to suit each individual, but how can they when they don’t fund things that could help some people.

Sorry...rant over!  

hidden disese of depression

Hi guys,

 

I know that it has been a long time since I have written on here, but my mental health had gone downhill, and my depression had taken over, I am on the road to feeling better now, but it’s been a really rough time.

 
Depression can be so hidden, I am trying to keep up with the things that I do, but inside I am crying out for help. I am really lucky that my CPN and the Crisis Team responded well and I had a few days away from my flat at the Sanctuary. I am really lucky to have a place like that as an option as for me I think going back into hospital, especially the one in Eastbourne, would send me way back in my recovery.

 
My mood has for such a long time been low and I have struggled with it a lot. I find things that many might find easy such as going into town, or actually even leaving my flat so hard. However this isolation that I can put on myself just means that I spiral downwards. For me, I have to force myself to do the opposite of what I want to do to keep myself going. A lesson I learnt in the 8 years that I did DBT, and when I did Behavioural Activation when I was living in Lavender. I don't agree that behavioural therapies hold all the answers, but they do allow people to learn ways that can help with the things that they can struggle with. I could go on but feel that giving it its own post is the only way to give it justice....

 
I think there were many reasons that my mood has dropped, from the closing of lavender being soon to seeing media around abuse especially in the Church of England. Both and many more triggering me in different ways, but all chipping away at my reserves to the point I became quite suicidal.

 
Lavender Lodge is going to be closing soon, and while I am no longer under their care this is having a huge impact on me for two main reasons one I spend a lot of weekends going there to see the girls. But mainly it’s significant so much because of its place within me, being the only place that I have ever felt safe, and I was able to talk about the main thing that has been making me ill the abuse that I suffered for years. It’s so sad that money has to come in the way of a service like this, a place that someone who has tried community services, but is still in a chaotic lifestyle, as I was when I arrived there back in 2010.

 
This kinda follows on, but I think that one big thing for me that means that I am struggling so much, and have been for quite some time now is because I don't feel safe in my own home. I have explained this in previous posts, so I won’t go into major detail about this. I feel that this is always chipping away at me. Also, it increases the risk of my dissociation (something that is very risky for me).

 
Since the revelations in the media about Jimmy Saville and many other high profile paedophiles’, many adult survivors have found it difficult to see as it brings back to their own abuse that they suffered. I am glad that this is more talked about, and is a lot more open, as it allows more people to be honest about their childhood and hopefully allowing people who are still being abused to ask for help to get it stopped. Things have definitely changed since the 1980s...another future post.

 
I feel I have been quite self-indulgent in this post, but what I wanted to get across is someone who is suffering from depression can have a lot going on that is bringing their mood down. They are not being self-indulgent in terms of "wallowing" but have a real problem that does need help. Depression is hidden away, it’s not like a broken leg where you can see a cast, and sometimes people, such as myself, will try and put on a "normal" face (whatever normal is), but inside I was dying. I am lucky to have great people around me that support me, and I them.

trauma and what its left me with

hey guys, going to put a trigger warning on this as it will talk about abuse/self harm/memories etc.

how do you explain to someone that although you are standing in the middle of town you are in fact being squashed by him and can feel him breathing and what he doing to you? this is a problem that I think a lot of survivors have experienced, that the body remembers. It remembers all the hurt, both physically and mentally, and I personally don't seem to have any control over when this happens and it is an extremely stressful and frightening experience. People will tell me that its not happening now, that he's not there that it was the past. but for me it is now, I am reliving every signal breath that I felt from him on top of me, crushing me.

The body does remember, as does the mind and every single sense that you have. and it is completely frightening. suddenly you can smell something that takes you straight back to the time of the trauma...and that isn't exclusively to survivors' of abuse, but any major trauma. I have also been in a fire 6 years go now, and I remember very little of it, but recently I have been smelling of burning, burning hair mainly, which is what happened. whatever the trauma it is still incredibly scary.

I was systematically abused from the age of 5 right until I was an adult in my late 20s, and my way to cope with it at the time was to learn to dissociate from the hurt that was being done to me. it doesn't mean that it didn't mess me up any less, but I coped and I survived. different people have different experiences of dissociation and even I have a couple. one of which is I am watching myself, but from a 3rd party, and the other one is just to completely loose time. for me personally this is dangerous as I don't know what I have done, and have found out when I have "come round", I can have been out and realised I have no idea where I have come from or know how I have got there, or have self harmed or a number of other scenarios. have you ever driven home and suddenly realised your there? its a bit like that but on a much bigger scale.

The dissociation started out  (when the abuse was happening) it was a useful coping strategy it got me through and somehow I am still alive today. it allowed me to completely get away from what was happening to me, at some points on a daily basis, but not to forget this is where the body memories' come in for me. Your body is amazing, and it does these things for a reason, I truly believe for me I have to begin to deal with what actually happened and the emotional side to it to.

I don't know what love is! it is such a foreign idea to me. I avoid my all emotions as much as I can, I rarely show anger, and if I do its on doors etc. rather than other people. I am scared that when I dissociate that this is when it comes out. its all around control, I have to feel in control because for so much of my life I have been out of control, I haven't been able to control my body as it has been damaged so much (mainly mentally). this is why the dissociation scares me so much cause I am not in control of it. the imprint of the abuse means that I still don't know all the triggers that lead me to either dissociate or have flashbacks. its something that is going to take a long time to realise things that make me loose control.

I have this anagram about trauma and how you respond: the trauma is an earthquake, which shakes your foundations, and over time there are aftershocks, often a lot (flashbacks/reliving it), but these become less and less over time, and eventually the ground stabilizes enough that you can start rebuilding (your life).

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=rebuilding+your+life+after+abuse&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=U-sTUsyKI8ru0gW5_4DACw&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=768#fp=347271752bf85449&q=hurt&tbm=isch&facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=iZowUCbuJiS4AM%3A%3BYwRhu_WO77oZiM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Ftrulylovable.com%252Fmedia%252F531-have-you-ever-been-hurt.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Ftrulylovable.com%252Fget%252Fromantic-wallpapers%252Fbroken-hearts-wallpapers%252Fhave-you-ever-been-hurt.htm%3B1024%3B768