Hi guys,
Well I am out of the acute system :) I am currently at the Sanctuary, which is a house where people who need to be away from home, but don't need hospital admission come, and like me some come directly from hospital. I have got my date to move into the shared house, so things should be all positive, but it seems like life doesn’t work like this! Today I have had a good day as I met a friend for lunch and a bit of shopping, but I am struggling, if I am honest really struggling, and this post instead of being a more reflective one, is how I am thinking at the moment. It probably wont be as structured etc. as most of mine, but this is what I need to do right now...so I hope you guys don’t mind :)
I think that everyone has disordered thinking to some degree, and it affects people differently depending on their mental state (which fluctuates for everyone).
My thinking for me gets me into a lot of trouble, not trouble in the police type of sense, but trouble for me and my mental health and behaviour. Thoughts start to roll, and one goes into the next and so on. For me these thoughts are not particularly nice ones, and they get worse as they roll into one and another one etc. This is when I get overwhelmed and can dissociate (see my post here).
One of my big ones for me is that I am evil. This is one of my core beliefs, and I find it very difficult to see any other way when I am any of me. However if I am looking at myself as someone else I can see how this has come about and how its at least questionable. My abuser told me that I was evil and that why he did what he did to me, and why he took me to the group of men (ritualistic sexual abuse). I have completely taken this on board and everything that I do I see as a reason that I am evil. For example if I say something to someone that upsets them, even though I didn’t mean to, this is because I am evil. As an “outside person” I can see how my belief has come about and that as a 5 year old you take what adults say as face value, especially parents, and as it was repeated to me, even on a daily basis, you do come to believe it. The nearest that I have got to questioning this myself is with my psychologist at Lavender, who made me (kind of) realise that someone who is evil doesn’t worry about it, yet I do, a lot! This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, and for that I am sorry. I am trying to write this as objectively as I can, but hard when a core belief that you have is one that no one else believes, and even you wouldn’t believe them if it was someone else, but to you rules your life.
I am sure that I have mentioned triggers before. But not only do I have external triggers I have internal ones too. In that I mean that one thought that leads to another, can, and often does lead to flashbacks, as the thought has reminded me of something in the past. I can go from something as simple as “I’m feeling quite low” to thinking about why I am feeling low and although I have had no external trigger my mind has gone back, back to a place that I never ever want to go to again. But it feels like I am never ever going to get away.
The consultant at the hospital told me I just had to forget my past, as if it was that simple! Things like the previous two paragraphs are why this isn't so simple. It feels to me like she was dismissing what I had experienced, as if something that most people would just deal with. I would like to know who could deal with years and years (20+) of abuse by their dad and Satanic Ritualistic Abuse when they were a child and just forget it. Sorry as you can tell my head is all over the place today, which is why I don’t usually write posts when I am in this mood, as it gets all emotional...hence me sitting writing this in tears.
That is another thing I find so difficult, crying. For many it may seem a release, and that lack of control that comes with it is good. For me it terrifies me, with all the rolling thoughts and the flashbacks that I have been getting this evening especially, its like that control has completely gone. And now I am crying I have lost it all. Being able to appear “normal” whatever that is, when inside I am falling apart is one of my ways of coping, as so scared of being hurt again, as when your feeling so vulnerable, that’s when the biggest risk of being hurt is, or that is my experience!
Certain times of day are worst for me, and as you can probably tell that now is one of them. Something someone one said has stuck with me, that my body remembers the “risky” times (i.e. like now bed time) and that is when my mood drops (it starts around 3:30...after school) even further. Does this make sense to anyone else?
I haven't self harmed in 6 weeks, for me this is a long time, and although its all building up, especially with talking in recent times about the SRA, and literally while I have been admitted about the DID, this is probably understandable. I have no intention of self harming whilst I am here, and I know that I wont, because that's the rules. But I guess the last few paragraphs, me crying etc. is because I haven’t self harmed and made all the feelings go away. This right now doesn’t feel very nice, anything but nice, but that explains a lot.
I am really really sorry that this is so jumbled. But I thought that I could trust people who read this that it would be OK to write a post in one go (which I very rarely do) and one that’s truly from my heart right now.
Luce xxx
Eastbouorne Pier
Thursday, 8 May 2014
Wednesday, 23 April 2014
sleep
hey guys,
Thought that I would write this pots around sleep and the lack of it. This is very relevant for me at the moment as over the weekend I didn't sleep – finally slept last night after 4 nights.
For me sleep and I have always had a love hate relationship. I have had long periods where I have really struggled to have a “normal” sleeping pattern and almost became nocturnal at stages. When I was at Lavender slowly I managed to change it so that I slept at night. This, however, was probably because I felt safe there. One thing about me and sleep is the nightmares, and that why I need to feel safe somewhere to be able to sleep. This probably makes very little sense to a lot of people, but for those who it does – your not alone!!! feeling safe meant that I was able to let the nightmares happen (as they didn't stop) but be able to deal with them in a very different way and so able to go back to sleep. To some extent I have been able to do that here on the ward as well.
As my CPN has said about my whole relationship with sleep especially when I was in the flat and didn't feel safe, was that it wasn't that I couldn’t sleep it was that I was so scared of it that I fought it. As is probably quite obvious the reason that I was so anxious of it was because of the nightmares and how real that they feel. Although I get flashbacks and body memories a lot of the day too, I find night times worse, partly because its dark and so harder to ground myself, but if I am awake I can at least try and control what is going on, where as when I am asleep this is impossible. I think that this says a lot about me, and how I need to be so much in control of everything, because the thought of being out of control is another thing that really scares me. I also need to be able to rationalise everything and understand it, and nightmares by their nature are not easy to do this.
Anyway enough about me!
Insomnia termed as; inability to obtain sufficient sleep, especially when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep;sleeplessness – by the dictonary .com )
There are many reasons that lead someone to have problems with sleep, I have explained mine, but anything from chronic pain, through depression and anxiety to serious physical illness'. But I will concentrate on depression and anxiety as these are the things that also have a huge impact on my sleep.
In general anxiety causes a difficulty in getting to sleep, because the mind has been unable to shut down due to worrying or other anxiety symptoms. I also find that ruminating also causes difficulty to get to sleep. This also happens when someone is stressed with work or family although this tends to be acute insomnia rather than chronic that can be found in serious anxiety disorders. Early wakening is a sign of depression. Of cause this is not the case in all people, and sleep is just one symptom of many in both these disorders. (or at least this is what I can find on Wiki and what I remember from the food and mood course that I ran!).
Well that a quick look into the reasoning for insomnia without going into loads of scientific detail - I can't cope with that right now. And there is only so much by knowing about something that it will help....so what does help?
As the picture shows there is stuff that you can do. I know that it depends on person to person as I personally have my TV on as I find that the light and noise bring me back quicker from a nightmare, and my routine of getting up and having a ciggie as a way to bring my head away from what happened in it goes against everything in sleep hygiene but it works for me. These are just ideas, you have to find what’s right for you.
Sleep hygiene I think is something that is gone on about in mental health that I know that I stop listening! So I hope that this post helps you bring back ideas that might help you sleep better.
Thought that I would write this pots around sleep and the lack of it. This is very relevant for me at the moment as over the weekend I didn't sleep – finally slept last night after 4 nights.
For me sleep and I have always had a love hate relationship. I have had long periods where I have really struggled to have a “normal” sleeping pattern and almost became nocturnal at stages. When I was at Lavender slowly I managed to change it so that I slept at night. This, however, was probably because I felt safe there. One thing about me and sleep is the nightmares, and that why I need to feel safe somewhere to be able to sleep. This probably makes very little sense to a lot of people, but for those who it does – your not alone!!! feeling safe meant that I was able to let the nightmares happen (as they didn't stop) but be able to deal with them in a very different way and so able to go back to sleep. To some extent I have been able to do that here on the ward as well.
As my CPN has said about my whole relationship with sleep especially when I was in the flat and didn't feel safe, was that it wasn't that I couldn’t sleep it was that I was so scared of it that I fought it. As is probably quite obvious the reason that I was so anxious of it was because of the nightmares and how real that they feel. Although I get flashbacks and body memories a lot of the day too, I find night times worse, partly because its dark and so harder to ground myself, but if I am awake I can at least try and control what is going on, where as when I am asleep this is impossible. I think that this says a lot about me, and how I need to be so much in control of everything, because the thought of being out of control is another thing that really scares me. I also need to be able to rationalise everything and understand it, and nightmares by their nature are not easy to do this.
Anyway enough about me!
Insomnia termed as; inability to obtain sufficient sleep, especially when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep;sleeplessness – by the dictonary .com )
There are many reasons that lead someone to have problems with sleep, I have explained mine, but anything from chronic pain, through depression and anxiety to serious physical illness'. But I will concentrate on depression and anxiety as these are the things that also have a huge impact on my sleep.
In general anxiety causes a difficulty in getting to sleep, because the mind has been unable to shut down due to worrying or other anxiety symptoms. I also find that ruminating also causes difficulty to get to sleep. This also happens when someone is stressed with work or family although this tends to be acute insomnia rather than chronic that can be found in serious anxiety disorders. Early wakening is a sign of depression. Of cause this is not the case in all people, and sleep is just one symptom of many in both these disorders. (or at least this is what I can find on Wiki and what I remember from the food and mood course that I ran!).
Well that a quick look into the reasoning for insomnia without going into loads of scientific detail - I can't cope with that right now. And there is only so much by knowing about something that it will help....so what does help?
As the picture shows there is stuff that you can do. I know that it depends on person to person as I personally have my TV on as I find that the light and noise bring me back quicker from a nightmare, and my routine of getting up and having a ciggie as a way to bring my head away from what happened in it goes against everything in sleep hygiene but it works for me. These are just ideas, you have to find what’s right for you.
Sleep hygiene I think is something that is gone on about in mental health that I know that I stop listening! So I hope that this post helps you bring back ideas that might help you sleep better.
love
Luce xxx
ps sorry that this isn't a great post this is what lack of sleep does to me!!!
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Coping Stratagies
Hey Guys!
I am still in hospital, I am waiting for a placement at a group home. I am still having pretty bad days, which is why I am doing this particular post...a more positive one! After the last few posts that have been around my symptoms, I thought that I would write a post that is about my coping strategies and other ideas that people have tried.
Everyone has their own coping strategies to deal with stress, whether it is coming home after a hard day at work and having a glass of wine, or walking the dog to get out of the house as its stressing you out. People with mental health problems have to get their own coping strategies to deal with the different symptoms that they may have. This is no different from someone with a physical health problem doing what they need to take care of themselves! This is what coping strategies are for me, a way to keep myself safe and taking care of myself (although some of mine are quite maladaptive, but as I am trying to keep this post quite positive I wont go into those!)
I have learnt these from all over the place, from the behavioural therapies that I have done, and other therapy work, to friends both “real” and online.
With self harm there are a large number of websites that not only give information but also have alternatives to self harm such as the national self-harm network has a downloadable list, some might not be your thing, but others maybe worth a try. Although many of these don’t give the same release as self harm does (its been proven that it releases endorphins – the happy hormone – and that’s why many people continue to self harm), my reasons are in a previous post its also important for me to remind you that I no longer self harm when I am aware of what I am doing. The two that are meant to give the nearest to self harm are pinging an elastic band on your wrist or holding ice cubes in something. These don't leave determinant damage but seem to work in some self harmer. For me this doesn’t work and actually makes me want to self harm more, but one thing that does work for me if I ever get the urge to cut when I am mostly dissociating (And this happens when I am dissociating as well but doesn’t work as well) is writing all over my arms what I feel about myself in red pen. But, you just have to try things and find out what works for you.
Dissociation also has many coping strategies, both to deal with the amnesia and DID that I talked about in my last post. They tend to be called grounding techniques and over the years I have learnt many, some work some don't but that’s different for different people. For example, me, I cant cope with anything that focuses on the body as this tends to freak me out rather than help me. People who have worked with me have used the senses in order to stay in the here and now. You can use any sense – sight, sound, smell, speech taste or touch – although I find when I am dissociating the first things to go are that my hearing and sight become “fuzzy”. The idea of this is to having something so strong that it helps you stay in reality.
Ones that have really helped me is having something really smelly (hopefully a nice one!) that isn’t related to the trauma on a rag or something you can carry around in your pocket. I use obus oil (thank you Amy for giving me this idea!). This way that if you can feel yourself going anywhere you can smell this – even if it is a hundred times – while reminding yourself that you are in 2014 and that you are safe.
The other one that I have just started using is taste. When I was at Lavender Doge, one of the staff always said try chilli – although that never appealed to me, and it might look a bit weird carrying it around. I carry around chewing gum, as the strong mint taste helps. With this it needs to be a strong taste, otherwise it won't work. Also if i have someone with me when I start to go a cold water (it has to be cold) can help – also splashing cold or hot water works – and all this is to change the sensations and so that grounds you.
Although I have said sight doesn’t work for me when I am going into a dissociative state, it does when I am coming out of it, and one thing that my old psychologist and I used to do was pick 3 things in the room and then say 3 things about it. It may seem simple but I can tell you it is so difficult. Another one I have heard about is choosing a colour before hand and finding all the things in that room that are that colour.
Sound never really works for me, although music is important to me (see later), it doesn’t ground me in the ways that the others do. Like in the other senses, simple things are the best! Listen to what’s around you, can you hear cars outside? Or the birds singing? What's the quietest sound you can hear? Put your favourite song on your MP3 player or stereo and listen to ever lyric. I have to thank Fort Refuge website for this as was really struggling with how to use sounds.
With speech there are various things that you can say that will remind you that you are in the hear and now. One is you can repeat to yourself a mantra such as “I am Lucy and I am safe now, no one is going to hurt me” another or the date, prime minister etc. A friend of mine does mental arithmetic, or you could repeat the states of America (if you know them!). Its about using your brain in a way that won't let it switch off. I also find using these also takes you away from the trigger that s overwhelming you.
Now touch- this one I really struggle with, and I also know a lot of people who have had trauma that their body doesn't feel their own, and so this may not work. But then again, I also know that it really works for some people. A lot of it is mindfulness techniques, which I learnt a lot of when I was doing the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) in Bangor. Simple things like feeling your feet on the floor and bum on seat, but really feel how your feet feel on the floor and how the seat feels against you.
One that I do is find a safe space in a room, for me this is a small area, and sit on the floor and remi
These are all simple things, but they need to be to be so that when you are in that state that you can remember what to do., especially if you are on your own.
OK, I will get onto the coping strategies that I use, I hope that this helps someone!
The biggest thing in my life (apart from my friends) is music. There is different ways that I use it. I use it to drown out the arguments between my alters and other voices that I have in my head such as the “ED Voice”, I constantly have my pod on in here and when I am out and when I am home (wherever that may be) I either have my music or TV on to try and help drown out these. When I am at home and all the voices I here are really loud I put on my iPod on with my ear phones. I know that people that hear voices as part of their psychosis music can be really important to drown out these. The music you listen to is also very important, it can change your mood, or …. how you are feeling. For example if I am feeling sad and weepy listening to one of my favourite songs Concrete Angel (by Martina McBride) can actually mean that I can let my feelings out. However if I was very angry and wanted to calm down, listening to Nirvana say isn’t going to help you calm down, its just like watching a particular film and how it makes you feel. I hope that you understand what I mean.
Another big one for me is walking. Its an exercise that I really enjoy and its a natural way of releasing endorphins and keeping yourself fit (after all your physical health impacts on your mental health just as it is the other way around), this is important especially if you are on particular psychiatric medication, as it also helps kick off your metabolism. I find walking so peaceful along the sea and it helps make me realise that my problems are just a small part of the world, even though they are currently a big part of me. I am very lucky living by the sea as the waves and smell is so relaxing. Another reason that I like walking is that it gives me time to think rather than just reacting and ending up in self destruct mode. I can try to rationalise things that don’t make sense originally and try to make sense of me and the world. I don’t always succeed in getting answers but I am one of those people who need to understand what is going on, and what has gone on and how it affects me now (without hopefully completely dissociating). I also found getting out of the flat when lived there helped make me feel more safe. For some reason being by the sea makes me feel so safe and know that no one will hurt me again, as I am stronger so wont let it happen again! Having written this I have realised how much walking means to me, rather than it just being a way to exercise (which I am slightly obsessed with) but a way to deal with issues in my head by giving me a quiet space to think things through without the fear of automatically going into self destruct mode!
The final one that I am going to explain (after all this is getting quite long!) is talking to people, whether you are talking to professionals about what is going on with you, or friends about their latest news. Connecting with people is so important. I know that when I get unwell one of the first things that happens is I start to isolate. I know for a lot of people the worse time is when the professionals aren't available, so whether its you call or text a friend, or even ring someone like the Samaritans or other helplines (see the Eastbourne Survivors website for a list of help, they also have a resources page for survivors). Isolating isn’t good, while it might feel the best thing to do, it just makes things 10 times worse – and that is from personal experience. I know that I find ringing helplines very difficult, and I am really lucky that I have really good friends, but some of the help is online or via text. Just reach out and not feel alone. Another way to do this is to go out. I know that my body and mind are screaming at me that this is the wrong thing to do, and it doesn’t always work, but being around strangers reminds you that you are not the only one around and that helps!
I really hope that this can help people.
Just keep Swimming!!!
Love
Luce xxx
I am still in hospital, I am waiting for a placement at a group home. I am still having pretty bad days, which is why I am doing this particular post...a more positive one! After the last few posts that have been around my symptoms, I thought that I would write a post that is about my coping strategies and other ideas that people have tried.
Everyone has their own coping strategies to deal with stress, whether it is coming home after a hard day at work and having a glass of wine, or walking the dog to get out of the house as its stressing you out. People with mental health problems have to get their own coping strategies to deal with the different symptoms that they may have. This is no different from someone with a physical health problem doing what they need to take care of themselves! This is what coping strategies are for me, a way to keep myself safe and taking care of myself (although some of mine are quite maladaptive, but as I am trying to keep this post quite positive I wont go into those!)
I have learnt these from all over the place, from the behavioural therapies that I have done, and other therapy work, to friends both “real” and online.
With self harm there are a large number of websites that not only give information but also have alternatives to self harm such as the national self-harm network has a downloadable list, some might not be your thing, but others maybe worth a try. Although many of these don’t give the same release as self harm does (its been proven that it releases endorphins – the happy hormone – and that’s why many people continue to self harm), my reasons are in a previous post its also important for me to remind you that I no longer self harm when I am aware of what I am doing. The two that are meant to give the nearest to self harm are pinging an elastic band on your wrist or holding ice cubes in something. These don't leave determinant damage but seem to work in some self harmer. For me this doesn’t work and actually makes me want to self harm more, but one thing that does work for me if I ever get the urge to cut when I am mostly dissociating (And this happens when I am dissociating as well but doesn’t work as well) is writing all over my arms what I feel about myself in red pen. But, you just have to try things and find out what works for you.
Dissociation also has many coping strategies, both to deal with the amnesia and DID that I talked about in my last post. They tend to be called grounding techniques and over the years I have learnt many, some work some don't but that’s different for different people. For example, me, I cant cope with anything that focuses on the body as this tends to freak me out rather than help me. People who have worked with me have used the senses in order to stay in the here and now. You can use any sense – sight, sound, smell, speech taste or touch – although I find when I am dissociating the first things to go are that my hearing and sight become “fuzzy”. The idea of this is to having something so strong that it helps you stay in reality.
Ones that have really helped me is having something really smelly (hopefully a nice one!) that isn’t related to the trauma on a rag or something you can carry around in your pocket. I use obus oil (thank you Amy for giving me this idea!). This way that if you can feel yourself going anywhere you can smell this – even if it is a hundred times – while reminding yourself that you are in 2014 and that you are safe.
The other one that I have just started using is taste. When I was at Lavender Doge, one of the staff always said try chilli – although that never appealed to me, and it might look a bit weird carrying it around. I carry around chewing gum, as the strong mint taste helps. With this it needs to be a strong taste, otherwise it won't work. Also if i have someone with me when I start to go a cold water (it has to be cold) can help – also splashing cold or hot water works – and all this is to change the sensations and so that grounds you.
Although I have said sight doesn’t work for me when I am going into a dissociative state, it does when I am coming out of it, and one thing that my old psychologist and I used to do was pick 3 things in the room and then say 3 things about it. It may seem simple but I can tell you it is so difficult. Another one I have heard about is choosing a colour before hand and finding all the things in that room that are that colour.
Sound never really works for me, although music is important to me (see later), it doesn’t ground me in the ways that the others do. Like in the other senses, simple things are the best! Listen to what’s around you, can you hear cars outside? Or the birds singing? What's the quietest sound you can hear? Put your favourite song on your MP3 player or stereo and listen to ever lyric. I have to thank Fort Refuge website for this as was really struggling with how to use sounds.
With speech there are various things that you can say that will remind you that you are in the hear and now. One is you can repeat to yourself a mantra such as “I am Lucy and I am safe now, no one is going to hurt me” another or the date, prime minister etc. A friend of mine does mental arithmetic, or you could repeat the states of America (if you know them!). Its about using your brain in a way that won't let it switch off. I also find using these also takes you away from the trigger that s overwhelming you.
Now touch- this one I really struggle with, and I also know a lot of people who have had trauma that their body doesn't feel their own, and so this may not work. But then again, I also know that it really works for some people. A lot of it is mindfulness techniques, which I learnt a lot of when I was doing the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) in Bangor. Simple things like feeling your feet on the floor and bum on seat, but really feel how your feet feel on the floor and how the seat feels against you.
One that I do is find a safe space in a room, for me this is a small area, and sit on the floor and remi
These are all simple things, but they need to be to be so that when you are in that state that you can remember what to do., especially if you are on your own.
OK, I will get onto the coping strategies that I use, I hope that this helps someone!
The biggest thing in my life (apart from my friends) is music. There is different ways that I use it. I use it to drown out the arguments between my alters and other voices that I have in my head such as the “ED Voice”, I constantly have my pod on in here and when I am out and when I am home (wherever that may be) I either have my music or TV on to try and help drown out these. When I am at home and all the voices I here are really loud I put on my iPod on with my ear phones. I know that people that hear voices as part of their psychosis music can be really important to drown out these. The music you listen to is also very important, it can change your mood, or …. how you are feeling. For example if I am feeling sad and weepy listening to one of my favourite songs Concrete Angel (by Martina McBride) can actually mean that I can let my feelings out. However if I was very angry and wanted to calm down, listening to Nirvana say isn’t going to help you calm down, its just like watching a particular film and how it makes you feel. I hope that you understand what I mean.
Another big one for me is walking. Its an exercise that I really enjoy and its a natural way of releasing endorphins and keeping yourself fit (after all your physical health impacts on your mental health just as it is the other way around), this is important especially if you are on particular psychiatric medication, as it also helps kick off your metabolism. I find walking so peaceful along the sea and it helps make me realise that my problems are just a small part of the world, even though they are currently a big part of me. I am very lucky living by the sea as the waves and smell is so relaxing. Another reason that I like walking is that it gives me time to think rather than just reacting and ending up in self destruct mode. I can try to rationalise things that don’t make sense originally and try to make sense of me and the world. I don’t always succeed in getting answers but I am one of those people who need to understand what is going on, and what has gone on and how it affects me now (without hopefully completely dissociating). I also found getting out of the flat when lived there helped make me feel more safe. For some reason being by the sea makes me feel so safe and know that no one will hurt me again, as I am stronger so wont let it happen again! Having written this I have realised how much walking means to me, rather than it just being a way to exercise (which I am slightly obsessed with) but a way to deal with issues in my head by giving me a quiet space to think things through without the fear of automatically going into self destruct mode!
The final one that I am going to explain (after all this is getting quite long!) is talking to people, whether you are talking to professionals about what is going on with you, or friends about their latest news. Connecting with people is so important. I know that when I get unwell one of the first things that happens is I start to isolate. I know for a lot of people the worse time is when the professionals aren't available, so whether its you call or text a friend, or even ring someone like the Samaritans or other helplines (see the Eastbourne Survivors website for a list of help, they also have a resources page for survivors). Isolating isn’t good, while it might feel the best thing to do, it just makes things 10 times worse – and that is from personal experience. I know that I find ringing helplines very difficult, and I am really lucky that I have really good friends, but some of the help is online or via text. Just reach out and not feel alone. Another way to do this is to go out. I know that my body and mind are screaming at me that this is the wrong thing to do, and it doesn’t always work, but being around strangers reminds you that you are not the only one around and that helps!
I really hope that this can help people.
Just keep Swimming!!!
Love
Luce xxx
Friday, 11 April 2014
Dissocation and me
Hey guys,
Once again I am sorry for not being around, I have been in hospital for the last month and only just got my laptop. This post is very relevant for me, as the main reason I am in hospital is because of my dissociation, and the risks involved in it. Looking back it seems that I haven't done a post just on my dissociation, although I know that I have mentioned it a lot throughout this blog!
According to Wiki Dissociation means;
In Psychology, dissociation describes a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience.
This means different things to different people. I think I gave the example before of driving somewhere familiar and not remembering the journey, this is dissociation, but a very mild form that many people do, and not a problem, you could be daydreaming and not realise the amount of time that has passed. For me I have a much more severe type of Dissociation.
I was going to try and explain the different parts, but here is wiki's explanation (much better than anything that I could do...)
More pathological dissociation involves dissociation disorders including dissociative fugue and depersonalization disorder with or without alterations in personal identity or sense of self. These alterations can include: a sense that self or the world is unreal (depersonalization and derealization); a loss of memory (amnesia); forgetting identity or assuming a new self (fugue); and fragmentation of identity or self into separate streams of consciousness Dissociation Identity Disorder formerly termed multiple personality disorder) and complex post traumatic stress disorder
(I know that this website should be taken with a pinch of salt, but its the best explanation online that I have found!)
Well enough about the different types in terms of definitions, and onto what this blog is really about – how it affects me (and other people).
I have two types of dissociation, the Amnesia and DID (dissociation Identity Disorder).
The amnesia means that I loose time, its a bit like the daydreaming idea, but a hell of a lot more severe. This is when I am most at risk, such as cutting and overdosing – which makes it so dangerous as I am not aware of what I am doing! This came about as a safety mechanism to deal with the difficult circumstances that I have been through, not just the sexual abuse etc, but also the emotional abuse that I suffered from my mum. Back just before I came into hospital I took an overdose, this is quite unusual for me these days, I then came home a few days later dissociated in the shower and needed stitches, and was admitted at that point as this type of my dissociation was so bad that I couldn't guarantee my safety. This is just an example when my dissociation is bad, and how dangerous it becomes. I've not only OD'd/cut whilst in this sate, but I have found myself in random places like Brighton with no idea how I got there, without some detection (such as do I have a train ticket et). I have many triggers that can lead me to dissociate, but the big thing is that I get overwhelmed by whatever (such as flashbacks) and my brain decides to switch off for a bit. This all, obviously, freaks me out, I mean how would you feel if you suddenly realised that you were somewhere you didn't know and it was several hours later??? This has happened!
The other major dissociation problem I have (although this is not formally diagnosed yet) is Dissociative Identity Disorder, something that I have talked about a little bit in previous posts. The best way that I can describe this is, is a way a friend has that I'm a chocolate orange, I have loads of segments but I am also a whole, Or you can see this link to a YouTube video of a lecture. It is important to remember that this is very different to the delusions that can be a part of schizophrenia, and the symptoms of this are not schizophrenia, it is very different. It is part of my PTSD, This means that I have several alters that are there own separate identities, and come “out” at various times. Usually this happens when they are needed to protect me from either external or internal “stuff”, however this is not always the case, but they all have a purposes. Sometimes these are called personalities, hence the old name of multiple personality disorder, but I don’t think of them as these as that makes them somehow external to me, and they are just not, they are me just as much as I am them! Some people do not believe in this diagnosis, but I think it is just something that is very difficult to understand. The cause of this is widely known as severe trauma, such as the sexual ritualistic abuse that I suffered as a child.
I am going to try and write about a few of my main alters, you have to remember that they are different ages, have different likes and dislikes, and can be very different in attributes. I do not know all my alters, some of them stay in the background, and there must be a reason for this that I do not know yet, and just as some of them come to the fore, some of the others can take “background time”.
I guess the first one to introduce you too is the first one that ever made contact with someone in the outside world. Rosie is 5, She is very disturbed and knows a lot about the SRA and so is also very very scared. I think her role is to feed “me” info as I am able to cope with it. She loves Disney, especially Finding Nemo and so loves my wrist tattoo (Just Keep Swimming), like any young child would. She can write in my diary, and it is quite obvious when she has (such as some of the others) because of the handwriting. She also has a soft toy that is an original Tigger (as opposed to the Disney one) and she takes it everywhere!
Rachael is the teenager of us, and like many teenagers she likes a strop!!! she is also the most self-destructive of us all. She is another one that likes to write, but she is very angry and takes it out on us. She is Emo and loves all the stuff associated with this. Her role is the anger, although she needs to learn to control this anger and direct it in healthy ways!
Sarah is mummy, she looks after us all. I don’t know much about her apart from she loves to hug anyone who is struggling, and especially the little ones (there are more than just Rosie).
Then there is me, Lou, I am 31 (as I am in chronological age). I am the host. I have grown up like anyone else, and been through everything, although I don’t remember it due to the amnesia dissociation. (which is where some of the others such as Rosie come in). I try and keep order in my head between the alters, and give them “time” if they need it, but try and control them as well (don’t always succeed with Rachael though!).
These are just a few of mine. I have no idea at the moment how many alters I have as I am very early in the recognition that this is me.
I hope that I have managed to explain dissociation, and especially how it affects me.
Lou.
Once again I am sorry for not being around, I have been in hospital for the last month and only just got my laptop. This post is very relevant for me, as the main reason I am in hospital is because of my dissociation, and the risks involved in it. Looking back it seems that I haven't done a post just on my dissociation, although I know that I have mentioned it a lot throughout this blog!
According to Wiki Dissociation means;
In Psychology, dissociation describes a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience.
This means different things to different people. I think I gave the example before of driving somewhere familiar and not remembering the journey, this is dissociation, but a very mild form that many people do, and not a problem, you could be daydreaming and not realise the amount of time that has passed. For me I have a much more severe type of Dissociation.
I was going to try and explain the different parts, but here is wiki's explanation (much better than anything that I could do...)
More pathological dissociation involves dissociation disorders including dissociative fugue and depersonalization disorder with or without alterations in personal identity or sense of self. These alterations can include: a sense that self or the world is unreal (depersonalization and derealization); a loss of memory (amnesia); forgetting identity or assuming a new self (fugue); and fragmentation of identity or self into separate streams of consciousness Dissociation Identity Disorder formerly termed multiple personality disorder) and complex post traumatic stress disorder
(I know that this website should be taken with a pinch of salt, but its the best explanation online that I have found!)
Well enough about the different types in terms of definitions, and onto what this blog is really about – how it affects me (and other people).
I have two types of dissociation, the Amnesia and DID (dissociation Identity Disorder).
The amnesia means that I loose time, its a bit like the daydreaming idea, but a hell of a lot more severe. This is when I am most at risk, such as cutting and overdosing – which makes it so dangerous as I am not aware of what I am doing! This came about as a safety mechanism to deal with the difficult circumstances that I have been through, not just the sexual abuse etc, but also the emotional abuse that I suffered from my mum. Back just before I came into hospital I took an overdose, this is quite unusual for me these days, I then came home a few days later dissociated in the shower and needed stitches, and was admitted at that point as this type of my dissociation was so bad that I couldn't guarantee my safety. This is just an example when my dissociation is bad, and how dangerous it becomes. I've not only OD'd/cut whilst in this sate, but I have found myself in random places like Brighton with no idea how I got there, without some detection (such as do I have a train ticket et). I have many triggers that can lead me to dissociate, but the big thing is that I get overwhelmed by whatever (such as flashbacks) and my brain decides to switch off for a bit. This all, obviously, freaks me out, I mean how would you feel if you suddenly realised that you were somewhere you didn't know and it was several hours later??? This has happened!
The other major dissociation problem I have (although this is not formally diagnosed yet) is Dissociative Identity Disorder, something that I have talked about a little bit in previous posts. The best way that I can describe this is, is a way a friend has that I'm a chocolate orange, I have loads of segments but I am also a whole, Or you can see this link to a YouTube video of a lecture. It is important to remember that this is very different to the delusions that can be a part of schizophrenia, and the symptoms of this are not schizophrenia, it is very different. It is part of my PTSD, This means that I have several alters that are there own separate identities, and come “out” at various times. Usually this happens when they are needed to protect me from either external or internal “stuff”, however this is not always the case, but they all have a purposes. Sometimes these are called personalities, hence the old name of multiple personality disorder, but I don’t think of them as these as that makes them somehow external to me, and they are just not, they are me just as much as I am them! Some people do not believe in this diagnosis, but I think it is just something that is very difficult to understand. The cause of this is widely known as severe trauma, such as the sexual ritualistic abuse that I suffered as a child.
I am going to try and write about a few of my main alters, you have to remember that they are different ages, have different likes and dislikes, and can be very different in attributes. I do not know all my alters, some of them stay in the background, and there must be a reason for this that I do not know yet, and just as some of them come to the fore, some of the others can take “background time”.
I guess the first one to introduce you too is the first one that ever made contact with someone in the outside world. Rosie is 5, She is very disturbed and knows a lot about the SRA and so is also very very scared. I think her role is to feed “me” info as I am able to cope with it. She loves Disney, especially Finding Nemo and so loves my wrist tattoo (Just Keep Swimming), like any young child would. She can write in my diary, and it is quite obvious when she has (such as some of the others) because of the handwriting. She also has a soft toy that is an original Tigger (as opposed to the Disney one) and she takes it everywhere!
Rachael is the teenager of us, and like many teenagers she likes a strop!!! she is also the most self-destructive of us all. She is another one that likes to write, but she is very angry and takes it out on us. She is Emo and loves all the stuff associated with this. Her role is the anger, although she needs to learn to control this anger and direct it in healthy ways!
Sarah is mummy, she looks after us all. I don’t know much about her apart from she loves to hug anyone who is struggling, and especially the little ones (there are more than just Rosie).
Then there is me, Lou, I am 31 (as I am in chronological age). I am the host. I have grown up like anyone else, and been through everything, although I don’t remember it due to the amnesia dissociation. (which is where some of the others such as Rosie come in). I try and keep order in my head between the alters, and give them “time” if they need it, but try and control them as well (don’t always succeed with Rachael though!).
These are just a few of mine. I have no idea at the moment how many alters I have as I am very early in the recognition that this is me.
I hope that I have managed to explain dissociation, and especially how it affects me.
Lou.
P.S. Finally have got the PTSD as my primary diagnosis!!!! (although still havent got rid of my BPD one!)
Sunday, 2 March 2014
Complex PTSD and me
Hi guys,
Sorry that I haven't been around, I have been really quite unwell mentally and was admitted to my local psych unit for a week. Although I am not 100% OK, I am pleased that I am feeling better than I was 10 days ago. I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks about my issues, and I wanted to share these, in the hope that someone else might not feel as alone.
I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). As the name suggests its more complex than PTSD. I am not saying that people with PTSD don't suffer because they do. It is thought that complex PTSD arises when the abuse that they have suffered is prolonged, and its not just sexual abuse (although that is the case with me), after all it was first used in South Africa with the violence and civil disturbance!
There is some overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder (and about 75% of people with BPD have suffered from abuse, and that is usually sexual) but they are very different disorders, and should not be used intertwined. BPD as it suggests is a Personality Disorder that until recently people didn't think that it was recoverable, but I am living proof that it is! C-PTSD is an anxiety disorder.
C-PTSD has 6 clusters for diagnosis-
1) Alterations in regulation of affect and impulsivity
2) Alterations in attention or consciousness
3) Alterations in Self perception
4) Alterations in relations to others
5) Somatization
6) Alterations in systems of meaning.
on there own I don't think that they make much sense, but I am going to go through them one at a time. First, however is a quick bit on insomnia. I also need to explain that I can see things intellectually and can understand the issues on this level, but emotionally I am much further behind. I guess the best way to describe it is these two parts are completely separate.
One of my biggest problems it seems, especially since coming out of hospital has been my insomnia. (hence writing this at 3am!). Sleep deprivation is extremely bad for anyone's mental health, you just have to think how grumpy people can be if they don't get enough sleep, but for me (and probably many people) it can either make my hyper (than have a massive crash) or make me extremely low. In DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy a treatment for BPD that I had when I lived in Wales) the need for a proper sleep pattern and sleep hygiene is emphasised, yet I still can't seem to let myself sleep. It is very difficult for me as I also suffer from extreme nightmares that means that I am absolutely scared of sleep. Whilst insomnia isn't part of the diagnostic criteria for C-PTSD I personally know a lot of people who it affects and that nightmares are part of PTSD. For me it is often reliving the past, and it feels so out of control as it feels like there is nothing I can do to stop them. I just know that I cant go on like this, as it will make me really unwell again, so if anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them.
Alterations in regulation and impulsivity - this involves difficulty in regulating emotions. for me this means that I have chronic depression. I used to have extremes of emotions and going from one to another at a 100 miles an hour. I have worked through that, and since I have started to talk about the abuse that I suffered by my parents (and others) this has become a lot less. I still, at times feel suicidal (which is why I was admitted to the psych unit) and often feel like I have to have the means around me for a safety net (not very safe safety net I must admit), I have attempted to take my own life previously, and it can really scare me when I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of ending it all, it's not that I want to be selfish it is just that there is so much emotional pain an it feels like it is never ever going to end. this part could turn into a post of its own!!! I also self harm through mainly cutting (but my eating disorder in a way is self harm) I get very angry at myself (no one else, and I am not aware of it as its so alien to me) and feel the need to punish myself, but also somehow the blood coming out is evilness coming out of me, something I will explore later. This part of C-PTSD is very similar to BPD, however BPD has much more extreme abandonment issues for example, something that only rears its ugly head very occasionally now.
Alterations in Attention or consciousness - there are three main points to this part of the cluster, amnesia/reliving/dissociation. I have suffered at one time or other all three. I "forgot" the abuse that my father did to me for years and years (even though it was still going on, that leads into the dissociation). I remember it clearly when I began to allow myself to feel safe enough to start remembering, I was in one of my MA seminars and we we're watching "Oranges aren't the only Fruit" (the exorcism scene) and it began. Once it began I couldn't stop it, although at many times I really wish that it would. It didn't come all at once, and to be honest I still think that I have a lot that is yet to come out. It might seem weird to people who haven't been through trauma that you can forget it, but it is a coping strategy, that especially when I was young, my mind knew that I couldn't cope with what was going on and so it split away the part that was experiencing the abuse....our brains are amazing things, as it only allowed me to start to remember when I was strong enough (although it doesn't feel like it at times!!) I relive my abuse on a daily basis, through flashbacks and nightmares. For me they are not just visual, but I am using every sense to the point I think that I am back there, I can feel his body weight on me, I can smell him and so on. This is very very frightening, and it often leads me to dissociate. I dissociate in two main ways, amnesia – where I loose a lot of time, it can be hours. the best way that I can describe this is that have you ever been on a familiar journey and reached your destination? well it is an extreme version of this, and even within this part of my dissociation I do two completely different things, I either completely freeze where I feel locked into my body, or I can appear completely normal, I can go out – this is the dangerous one for me, as this is where I self harm now (rather than being a conscious de scion) and the last two times that I took an overdose I was in this potion. The other type of Dissociation that I suffer from is DID (Dissociation Identity Disorder formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder), As I said earlier my mind split because of the abuse, and that has left me with various personalities within me, they are different ages, different sexes, like and dislike different things, but they all play a part. A very good friend gave me a very good way of looking at it, a chocolate orange, they are all separate segments but together they become a whole. on YouTube there is a very good lecture on DID by a sufferer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N-cmCGjlnE) that explains it so well. I have only recently began to talk to people about my alters, and I am really scared that people will think that I am crazy but because I suffered such extreme abuse (SRA) as well as the abuse by my father this is the result, once again this could be a post on its own!
Alterations in self-perception - In a way this is the most self explanatory of all of them, it can include chronic sense of helplessness shame guilt etc. This one is also very relevant for me. My Dad and the group of men have made me feel that I am evil, as this was their explanation of why they did what they did, a massive alteration in my own self perception from a very early age!! I also blame myself as I in some ways wanted it – I hate talking about this, but it is important – it was the only affection that I got so craved it, although I hated the physical pain! this has lead me to feel really guilty and ashamed, and a chronic feeling that I must have asked for it, also because that it went on till I was 27, I think that I should have been able to stop him. If I do my pretending the situation is someone else (And this is the only way that I can do it) I wouldn't blame them, I would see that they were a little girl when it started and that it is a natural reaction to want human touch, and that she was groomed to stay in that abusive relationship as it was all she really knew. I wish that I could change the way that I feel, but I honestly don't know how to, and what would be left if I did. its not that I want to be seem as a victim all the time, I just still need to discover myself, which I am learning to do, I can see that I am (hopefully) caring and willing to help. slowly my confidence is building, although I have recently had several knock backs to it. Changing core beliefs and feelings around them will take time, but I am chipping at it slowly and methodically.
Alteration in relations to others - This from what I have read around the subject relates to the perpetrator and my relationship with him, as well as people around me. I find this so difficult as I think I love him, after all he is my dad, and it wasn't all bad, he read us (me and my brother) bed time stories, and was really kind and loving at times. this really messes with my head. I know that all people are a mixture of good and bad, and no-one is evil (except me :/ but I find it so hard to work out him when it was such extremes. He does have power and control over me, even now, in fact they both do, with holding my sentimental belongings hostage and mum refusing to remove herself as nearest relative (a legal position in mental health law). but also they have managed it with the emotional abuse and how my self perception is screwed! I still completely believe what they told me, I can only remember one time that my mum praised me (the day that I got my degree results) so continue to feel like I am a complete failure. I know that I can see the problem, but after 27 years of this, I think that it is going to take time for me to change this...I just wish there was a magic wand!!! I also think of revenge, but I am not completely consumed by it as some people may be, my revenge was going to be through the courts however because it was historical before I had the strength (with the help of everyone around me - thank you) to go to the Police, there was not enough evidence as there was no forensic evidence I never got to get my revenge in a public way, however as many people have pointed out to me people will guess why he hasn't been at work, and that it will affect him.
In terms of relationships with others, I have worked on this a lot since I was at Lavender Lodge, before that I was very chaotic in both how I was and how I related to others – not a good combination, and I am truly sorry to those who knew me then! I do still withdraw and isolate myself especially when my mood is low, even though I know that it is a maladaptive coping strategy and is likely to make things worse. The other thing that I do is around trust. It takes me a lot to trust someone but when I do I trust them wholeheartedly, whether they deserve it or not, and this has, in the past, led me getting in really nasty situations (such as being on-line stalked!)
Somatization - My understanding of this is having somatic physical symptoms in response to emotional issues although it does confuse me a little so please forgive me if I have got this wrong. it is not someone making it up for attention or being a hypochondriac, the symptoms feel very real, and I, know this because its happened to me. One way that this happens to me is my asthma, with the flashbacks and the pressure I feel on my chest invokes me asthma, but part of it, I realise now that a lot of it was because of my anxiety. The other way it manifests its self in me is pain. I find emotional pain so difficult to deal with that my body turns it into physical pain. This makes it difficult for me now that I realise that this does go on, as I don't know how to work out whether I’m in pain because of something physical or emotional.
Alterations of systems of meaning - this can manifest itself in various ways such as loosing faith, which I guess that I did, but I was quite young when this happened. Because of my dads position within the church, for me the association of church and religion in general has major negative connotations for me, Also because of the black magic involved the whole idea of organised religion scares the hell out of me (they were also clergy in the church) and therefore I have no sense of faith. I also feel at times a sense of hopelessness and despair that leads to the suicidal thinking.
Luce xxx
Sorry that I haven't been around, I have been really quite unwell mentally and was admitted to my local psych unit for a week. Although I am not 100% OK, I am pleased that I am feeling better than I was 10 days ago. I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks about my issues, and I wanted to share these, in the hope that someone else might not feel as alone.
I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). As the name suggests its more complex than PTSD. I am not saying that people with PTSD don't suffer because they do. It is thought that complex PTSD arises when the abuse that they have suffered is prolonged, and its not just sexual abuse (although that is the case with me), after all it was first used in South Africa with the violence and civil disturbance!
There is some overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder (and about 75% of people with BPD have suffered from abuse, and that is usually sexual) but they are very different disorders, and should not be used intertwined. BPD as it suggests is a Personality Disorder that until recently people didn't think that it was recoverable, but I am living proof that it is! C-PTSD is an anxiety disorder.
C-PTSD has 6 clusters for diagnosis-
1) Alterations in regulation of affect and impulsivity
2) Alterations in attention or consciousness
3) Alterations in Self perception
4) Alterations in relations to others
5) Somatization
6) Alterations in systems of meaning.
on there own I don't think that they make much sense, but I am going to go through them one at a time. First, however is a quick bit on insomnia. I also need to explain that I can see things intellectually and can understand the issues on this level, but emotionally I am much further behind. I guess the best way to describe it is these two parts are completely separate.
One of my biggest problems it seems, especially since coming out of hospital has been my insomnia. (hence writing this at 3am!). Sleep deprivation is extremely bad for anyone's mental health, you just have to think how grumpy people can be if they don't get enough sleep, but for me (and probably many people) it can either make my hyper (than have a massive crash) or make me extremely low. In DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy a treatment for BPD that I had when I lived in Wales) the need for a proper sleep pattern and sleep hygiene is emphasised, yet I still can't seem to let myself sleep. It is very difficult for me as I also suffer from extreme nightmares that means that I am absolutely scared of sleep. Whilst insomnia isn't part of the diagnostic criteria for C-PTSD I personally know a lot of people who it affects and that nightmares are part of PTSD. For me it is often reliving the past, and it feels so out of control as it feels like there is nothing I can do to stop them. I just know that I cant go on like this, as it will make me really unwell again, so if anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them.
Alterations in regulation and impulsivity - this involves difficulty in regulating emotions. for me this means that I have chronic depression. I used to have extremes of emotions and going from one to another at a 100 miles an hour. I have worked through that, and since I have started to talk about the abuse that I suffered by my parents (and others) this has become a lot less. I still, at times feel suicidal (which is why I was admitted to the psych unit) and often feel like I have to have the means around me for a safety net (not very safe safety net I must admit), I have attempted to take my own life previously, and it can really scare me when I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of ending it all, it's not that I want to be selfish it is just that there is so much emotional pain an it feels like it is never ever going to end. this part could turn into a post of its own!!! I also self harm through mainly cutting (but my eating disorder in a way is self harm) I get very angry at myself (no one else, and I am not aware of it as its so alien to me) and feel the need to punish myself, but also somehow the blood coming out is evilness coming out of me, something I will explore later. This part of C-PTSD is very similar to BPD, however BPD has much more extreme abandonment issues for example, something that only rears its ugly head very occasionally now.
Alterations in Attention or consciousness - there are three main points to this part of the cluster, amnesia/reliving/dissociation. I have suffered at one time or other all three. I "forgot" the abuse that my father did to me for years and years (even though it was still going on, that leads into the dissociation). I remember it clearly when I began to allow myself to feel safe enough to start remembering, I was in one of my MA seminars and we we're watching "Oranges aren't the only Fruit" (the exorcism scene) and it began. Once it began I couldn't stop it, although at many times I really wish that it would. It didn't come all at once, and to be honest I still think that I have a lot that is yet to come out. It might seem weird to people who haven't been through trauma that you can forget it, but it is a coping strategy, that especially when I was young, my mind knew that I couldn't cope with what was going on and so it split away the part that was experiencing the abuse....our brains are amazing things, as it only allowed me to start to remember when I was strong enough (although it doesn't feel like it at times!!) I relive my abuse on a daily basis, through flashbacks and nightmares. For me they are not just visual, but I am using every sense to the point I think that I am back there, I can feel his body weight on me, I can smell him and so on. This is very very frightening, and it often leads me to dissociate. I dissociate in two main ways, amnesia – where I loose a lot of time, it can be hours. the best way that I can describe this is that have you ever been on a familiar journey and reached your destination? well it is an extreme version of this, and even within this part of my dissociation I do two completely different things, I either completely freeze where I feel locked into my body, or I can appear completely normal, I can go out – this is the dangerous one for me, as this is where I self harm now (rather than being a conscious de scion) and the last two times that I took an overdose I was in this potion. The other type of Dissociation that I suffer from is DID (Dissociation Identity Disorder formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder), As I said earlier my mind split because of the abuse, and that has left me with various personalities within me, they are different ages, different sexes, like and dislike different things, but they all play a part. A very good friend gave me a very good way of looking at it, a chocolate orange, they are all separate segments but together they become a whole. on YouTube there is a very good lecture on DID by a sufferer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N-cmCGjlnE) that explains it so well. I have only recently began to talk to people about my alters, and I am really scared that people will think that I am crazy but because I suffered such extreme abuse (SRA) as well as the abuse by my father this is the result, once again this could be a post on its own!
Alterations in self-perception - In a way this is the most self explanatory of all of them, it can include chronic sense of helplessness shame guilt etc. This one is also very relevant for me. My Dad and the group of men have made me feel that I am evil, as this was their explanation of why they did what they did, a massive alteration in my own self perception from a very early age!! I also blame myself as I in some ways wanted it – I hate talking about this, but it is important – it was the only affection that I got so craved it, although I hated the physical pain! this has lead me to feel really guilty and ashamed, and a chronic feeling that I must have asked for it, also because that it went on till I was 27, I think that I should have been able to stop him. If I do my pretending the situation is someone else (And this is the only way that I can do it) I wouldn't blame them, I would see that they were a little girl when it started and that it is a natural reaction to want human touch, and that she was groomed to stay in that abusive relationship as it was all she really knew. I wish that I could change the way that I feel, but I honestly don't know how to, and what would be left if I did. its not that I want to be seem as a victim all the time, I just still need to discover myself, which I am learning to do, I can see that I am (hopefully) caring and willing to help. slowly my confidence is building, although I have recently had several knock backs to it. Changing core beliefs and feelings around them will take time, but I am chipping at it slowly and methodically.
Alteration in relations to others - This from what I have read around the subject relates to the perpetrator and my relationship with him, as well as people around me. I find this so difficult as I think I love him, after all he is my dad, and it wasn't all bad, he read us (me and my brother) bed time stories, and was really kind and loving at times. this really messes with my head. I know that all people are a mixture of good and bad, and no-one is evil (except me :/ but I find it so hard to work out him when it was such extremes. He does have power and control over me, even now, in fact they both do, with holding my sentimental belongings hostage and mum refusing to remove herself as nearest relative (a legal position in mental health law). but also they have managed it with the emotional abuse and how my self perception is screwed! I still completely believe what they told me, I can only remember one time that my mum praised me (the day that I got my degree results) so continue to feel like I am a complete failure. I know that I can see the problem, but after 27 years of this, I think that it is going to take time for me to change this...I just wish there was a magic wand!!! I also think of revenge, but I am not completely consumed by it as some people may be, my revenge was going to be through the courts however because it was historical before I had the strength (with the help of everyone around me - thank you) to go to the Police, there was not enough evidence as there was no forensic evidence I never got to get my revenge in a public way, however as many people have pointed out to me people will guess why he hasn't been at work, and that it will affect him.
In terms of relationships with others, I have worked on this a lot since I was at Lavender Lodge, before that I was very chaotic in both how I was and how I related to others – not a good combination, and I am truly sorry to those who knew me then! I do still withdraw and isolate myself especially when my mood is low, even though I know that it is a maladaptive coping strategy and is likely to make things worse. The other thing that I do is around trust. It takes me a lot to trust someone but when I do I trust them wholeheartedly, whether they deserve it or not, and this has, in the past, led me getting in really nasty situations (such as being on-line stalked!)
Somatization - My understanding of this is having somatic physical symptoms in response to emotional issues although it does confuse me a little so please forgive me if I have got this wrong. it is not someone making it up for attention or being a hypochondriac, the symptoms feel very real, and I, know this because its happened to me. One way that this happens to me is my asthma, with the flashbacks and the pressure I feel on my chest invokes me asthma, but part of it, I realise now that a lot of it was because of my anxiety. The other way it manifests its self in me is pain. I find emotional pain so difficult to deal with that my body turns it into physical pain. This makes it difficult for me now that I realise that this does go on, as I don't know how to work out whether I’m in pain because of something physical or emotional.
Alterations of systems of meaning - this can manifest itself in various ways such as loosing faith, which I guess that I did, but I was quite young when this happened. Because of my dads position within the church, for me the association of church and religion in general has major negative connotations for me, Also because of the black magic involved the whole idea of organised religion scares the hell out of me (they were also clergy in the church) and therefore I have no sense of faith. I also feel at times a sense of hopelessness and despair that leads to the suicidal thinking.
Luce xxx
Monday, 10 February 2014
labels
Hey guys
I thought that I would write a post about labels. Sometimes these labels can be good, other times they have such a stigma that the way that people treat you is not very nice.
Mental Health itself has a huge stigma against it, especially compared to mental health, people think that others can "pull themselves" out of depression, or are not "trying hard enough" to ignore the voices they hear. Mental illness is just that an illness, such as any other illness or condition. You wouldn't tell someone with appendicitis that lying in bed isn't doing them any good, so why do people say things to people who are suffering from Mental Health Conditions????
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The stigma that this group often finds is from the health professionals themselves. People assume the self injury is "attention seeking" and anything that they might say is "manipulative". One person with BPD is very different from an other, like any other illness, but people see this particular diagnosis and believe that this is what sufferers are like!
75% of BPD sufferers have had an abusive upbringing, including myself. some professionals think that another way of saying BPD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even though they are different type of illness. what’s probably more true is some people supposedly with BPD actually have C-PTSD!
I am no way saying that I never had BPD, because my life before lavender was extremely chaotic, I was very angry that I tried not to let out, but it spilt out, terrified of rejection to the point it was safer to reject first and so on. I was a typical BPD. However now, since I have been able to speak about the true problem (my abuse) I no longer feel that I am BPD, but trying to get this off my current record is seeming to be quite difficult, even though I know that people who are involved in my care agree with me.
writing this it seems that I am conflicted, not over my current diagnosis, but having the BPD on my record, because of its stigma, yet I want to fight this stigma.
Different people think differently to labels. some find them helpful – helpful that they know what’s wrong with them. some find them unhelpful, and I think (well for me) because of the stigma.
when I was originally diagnosed back in 2002 I was pleased that I knew what was wrong, I could research it and find out what can make things better, such as DBT or STEPPS. But I have become more and more disillusioned with it over the years because of the way that I have been treated. treated that everything I have done was because I was "attention seeking". Attention seeking is used bad thing, yet everyone needs attention, and if your not getting it in the right way then you going to have to seek it in other ways.
My dad, after my parents found out my diagnosis, searched online, and then used it against me. everything I did was because he felt I wasn't the "centre attention" I HATE BEING THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION I did the self harm, the overdose, the going up to Beachy Head because I was distressed and HE caused that distress!!! Sometimes I can rationalise it, knowing that if he could make everyone see me as how he wanted them to see me as then people wouldn't believe me when I started to speak the truth! But that doesn't stop the hurt that the acquisitions he threw at me hurt. he knew I was hurting but wanted to save his own skin! I think this is the reason that I hate the diagnosis so much.
Diagnosis (Labels) aren't everything about a person, whether they are physical or mental health a person is them!
I thought that I would write a post about labels. Sometimes these labels can be good, other times they have such a stigma that the way that people treat you is not very nice.
Mental Health itself has a huge stigma against it, especially compared to mental health, people think that others can "pull themselves" out of depression, or are not "trying hard enough" to ignore the voices they hear. Mental illness is just that an illness, such as any other illness or condition. You wouldn't tell someone with appendicitis that lying in bed isn't doing them any good, so why do people say things to people who are suffering from Mental Health Conditions????
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The stigma that this group often finds is from the health professionals themselves. People assume the self injury is "attention seeking" and anything that they might say is "manipulative". One person with BPD is very different from an other, like any other illness, but people see this particular diagnosis and believe that this is what sufferers are like!
75% of BPD sufferers have had an abusive upbringing, including myself. some professionals think that another way of saying BPD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even though they are different type of illness. what’s probably more true is some people supposedly with BPD actually have C-PTSD!
I am no way saying that I never had BPD, because my life before lavender was extremely chaotic, I was very angry that I tried not to let out, but it spilt out, terrified of rejection to the point it was safer to reject first and so on. I was a typical BPD. However now, since I have been able to speak about the true problem (my abuse) I no longer feel that I am BPD, but trying to get this off my current record is seeming to be quite difficult, even though I know that people who are involved in my care agree with me.
writing this it seems that I am conflicted, not over my current diagnosis, but having the BPD on my record, because of its stigma, yet I want to fight this stigma.
Different people think differently to labels. some find them helpful – helpful that they know what’s wrong with them. some find them unhelpful, and I think (well for me) because of the stigma.
when I was originally diagnosed back in 2002 I was pleased that I knew what was wrong, I could research it and find out what can make things better, such as DBT or STEPPS. But I have become more and more disillusioned with it over the years because of the way that I have been treated. treated that everything I have done was because I was "attention seeking". Attention seeking is used bad thing, yet everyone needs attention, and if your not getting it in the right way then you going to have to seek it in other ways.
My dad, after my parents found out my diagnosis, searched online, and then used it against me. everything I did was because he felt I wasn't the "centre attention" I HATE BEING THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION I did the self harm, the overdose, the going up to Beachy Head because I was distressed and HE caused that distress!!! Sometimes I can rationalise it, knowing that if he could make everyone see me as how he wanted them to see me as then people wouldn't believe me when I started to speak the truth! But that doesn't stop the hurt that the acquisitions he threw at me hurt. he knew I was hurting but wanted to save his own skin! I think this is the reason that I hate the diagnosis so much.
Diagnosis (Labels) aren't everything about a person, whether they are physical or mental health a person is them!
Tuesday, 4 February 2014
control
Hey guys,
This kind of follows on from me previous
post, and has become so important to me because of the way my parents have
manipulated people into giving them details on me.
One thing that is the same across all
different types of abuse and even beyond abuse in some situations is control. It is the
"thing" that the perpetrators’ are wanting, sexual abuse isn’t about
the sex it’s about having control over their victim, and the same for other
types of abuse, or even bullying etc.
My parents were always very controlling of
me. Looking back now it feels that I never really had the freedom that any
person should have. I will give you a couple of quick examples; when I was 17
and choosing which degree that I wanted to do at uni, I had changed my mind and
so had changed what I had applied for (to Sociology and History from English
and History) when my mum found out she went crazy as it’s not what she wanted
me to do; the other example is that when I moved into my first flat down south
my dad put parental control on my computer so that I couldn’t go on amazon etc.,
i was 26! These are just two examples, although trivial ones, of where i feel
that my parents tried to control me more than they had a right to. I am my own
person and feel that I should be able to make my own decisions’ whether they
are right or wrong. After all the only real way to learn is to make mistakes.
I am sure that they would defend
themselves by saying that they would only want what is best for me (?!?) and
were trying to help. However they had control over me, I was forever trying to
live up to their expectations, which in themselves were very mixed up,
depending on how they wanted to be seen, although always to look the perfect
parents, whether I had to be a great student (when it was doing my MA that fell
into that) or the carer that puts themselves out (with my "illness"
but of cause parts of it had to be hidden, such as my self -harm). None of it,
of cause, was the truth...that the control that they exercised over me was more
than a normal parent, and in abnormal abusive ways, and I learned to keep
quiet, but no more.
When I made the decision to tell, say what
had been really going on, I was trying to break that control, take my life back
for me. It took a lot of trust in those I was talking to at Lavender, as I had
been quietened so often by my parents becoming too involved so that I wouldn't
be believed, but I had finally found somewhere that I was safe, and could talk.
Through talking about the abuse I have been able to take a lot of the control
back from them.
However they still try and control me,
even though they cannot do it directly any more. My mum won't give up the role
of Nearest Relative (A legal role should I ever be sectioned again) even though
she cannot comment on my mental health as I have no contact and will have no
contact with them. They also continue to hold some sentimental items
"hostage", probably because they know that I want them....they are
not willing to realise that I want, and deserve, control over my life, I want
to be free, a Survivor away from all the maladaptive and very damaging control
they have had over me.
I wish it was all simple, but it’s not, I
am not free of them as I wish to be, their "programming" of me, and
how I should present them, continues to plague me. The way that they made me
feel about myself continues, and I still see myself as evil and obviously
wanting what they were doing to me. In my head I am not free, but one day I
hope to be completely free inside and out of their devastating influences over
me.
Monday, 3 February 2014
will i always have to run?
Hi guys,
A couple of weeks ago I found out that my
aunty had given my parents my address. This I have found so scary. I am not blaming
my aunty, I know how manipulative my parents are, but it has left me in a position
where i feel even less safe in my flat. I know that they are not likely to just
turn up, they are much more likely to write or ring me, but that doesn’t take
away the fear, i want to move again, but will I have to just be on the run
every time they find out (and I am sure they will). This has lead me to
thinking about a lot of stuff from my past and how I have been trying to run away
from them for all of my life.
As I have said before my childhood was not
the happiest, it was extremely abusive from both parents (sexually with my dad
and emotionally with mum), I hated being at home and would do anything I could
do to not be. I would go to school when I was ill. I remember when I was 17 I
had been in hospital for 5 days and made myself go to school the next day so I wasn’t
at home (I had my A' Levels coming up, a very good excuse!) and I often felt
like running away from home.
I studied hard at school to get into uni. Going
to uni was my escape. In some ways I didn’t care where I went and what I
studied as long as I wasn’t at home. It was my chance of freedom...or so I
thought. The abuse continued while I was at uni.
When I was in my second year I met my ex.
in some ways this was the happiest time of my life. Although he made me change,
I wasn’t allowed to be unhappy/upset etc. etc. etc., but he left me alone. Kev
was my chance to escape. I would have tried to change my whole personality to
be with him, but, if I am honest, it was to get away from them more than
wanting to make Kev happy. This is something that I have only just allowed
myself to realise. I did love Kev, but he was also really bad for me. After we
split, everything started again. I stayed in north wales for a while, but being
so isolated meant that my mental health got worse and I ended up living back at
my parents (where it continued to worsen) something I promised myself I would
never do.
But, it’s not just the physical running
away I did, I ran away in my mind. I managed to not be here when physically I
am, it makes me safe, away from the nasty horrible stuff, the painful stuff. Not
just the sexual abuse by both my dad and the group of men, but as much as I
could I hid away in my mind. It’s called dissociation, and the easiest way that
I can describe it is I loose hours at a time, when I can appear like any other
member of society but me, my soul is hiding away.
I also have different personalities where
my mind has split, they are different ages, different sexes, I don’t really
know how to describe it, but if you search for multiplicity me on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/user/MultiplicityAndMe)
she explains it very well.
This all used to be useful, more than
useful a survival tactic, but now it’s dangerous for me. I am more likely to self-harm
when I am dissociating, the whole thought process from deciding to cut to completing
the act I am not aware of, the last few overdoses I have not been aware of. No
longer is it a safety mechanism. But I still use it day after day to run away
from the crap my parents have left in my head.
Will I ever be able to run away from them?
No. if I do manage it physically, they have left scars in my mind, and that’s
meant that I have left scars across my body.
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
Family.
Hey guys,
I have said bits and pieces over the blog
around my family, but I guess I wanted to talk about it more. Firstly I guess I
should say that my parents are still together, and I have a younger brother. I don’t
have any of them anymore, some of which I am so glad about - my parents, and
not being In contact with my brother is a huge loss. This is so raw this week,
as I got a text message on New Year’s Eve that could possibly be from my
brother, but I don’t know. I have replied but I haven't yet had a reply back. I
am so lucky that I do have a family that I have made myself, after all friends
are the family you choose...and I certainly wouldn't want to choose my blood family!!!
Families’ are something that in a way you
cannot get away from. It’s all over the media, TV etc. It can be shown as
perfect families, especially this time of year. (Although much in the media at
the moment is around families that are benefit scroungers etc.!!). I guess that
no family is perfect, but mine was so far from perfect, but no one was allowed
to know It. my mum is very worried about how the family is viewed by wider society.
This has had a major Impact on me. When I was a teenager my depression started,
my mum was so ashamed. I remember two things so vividly, first was when one of
my teachers at school brought It up at parents evening, she went mad at me when
we got home for not appearing perfect. The other was when I used to go for
walks as I lived in a village my mum wouldn’t allow me to go on these unless I promised
to "look happy". This I guess is how I have got so good at putting a
mask on. I hate to think how she thinks and feels about me now, having broken
the massive secret to public knowledge. When it first became apparent that my
mental health was going to have a huge detrimental effect on my quality of life,
she was extremely embarrassed, to the point that she lied about why I was in hospital
to people after my first admission to a mental health unit. In the paper a few
months ago there was an article on my parents and how the church had put a
"gagging" order on why they hadn’t been around. I am sure my mum had this
Idea! my mum was also very emotionally abusive towards me, I was the black
sheep of the family, I can only ever remember her praising me once and that’s
when I got my degree results back In 2003. When she realised that my Illness
could work In her favour, It put me Ina position that I found It Incredibly
hard to fight from, she wanted to be seen as my "saviour" and was
always there for me (a whole load of sh*t!!!)
My dad was very opposites. He hurt me in
ways that has left me severely distressed a lot of the time, and suffering from
mental health problems. HIs power over me was complete, and from a very early
age he abused me right till I was 27 and also introduced me to a group of men
who ritualistically abused me. However he was also so kind and really did care
about me in his own way. I remember when I was little him reading me and my
brother lord of the rings at bed time, and really wanted to help. This all
changed when he had researched my Illness at the time (Borderline Personality Disorder)
and I think he realised the Impact the abuse was having (It was still going on
at this time) and suddenly my behaviour wasn’t because I was distressed but
because I was an attention seeking little itch...which of cause turned the
focus off him. I found this change so very difficult, as no longer as there a nice
side to him towards me.
That’s the basics of my parents, they were
very controlling, but I do think that in some way they cared about me, just the
way that they behaved has caused me so much distress. Their control was so overbearing
however, they wanted to, and still want to, control every part of my life and
not allow me to be a person that wants to recover as that would have to change their
role and the fact that they are the doting parents who would do anything for their
sick daughter. The relief that I have now that they don’t have much control
(they won’t give me my stuff back or change nearest relative) I can be me, I have
changed so much because of It.
We had family counselling when I was
14/15. It was a complete waste of time as It turned into blame Lucy hour every single
week. After 6 months even the therapist knew that we were getting nowhere. I
spent It either counting windows (I do this when I am stressed out In a situation
that I can get out of, and hope that Its even because that makes me feel
safer!) or starting at the scales. They wanted me to go Into Individual therapy,
but my mum persuaded me not to after all how would that look on the family????
I miss having a family, not mine as It Is
so dysfunctional and damaging, but having that person who loves me unconditionally
(something parents didn’t do). And I miss my brother. He’s the only one who can
come anywhere close to understanding what It Is like being a child in my family.
He was always the perfect one who could do no wrong (even If It was his doing,
but I would get the blame), but I do love him. It’s strange how can I miss something
that I never had?
Xxx
Friday, 3 January 2014
The Holidays and a New Year
Hey Guys,
I was hoping to write this over the holiday period, but it was
struggling too much to put two words together, let alone a whole post - it was
all too raw at the time. I am still struggling, but at least now it don't have
the added pressure of the forced jollity on me!!!!
I have always hated Christmas. I don't know maybe it enjoyed it when it was
little, but it don't really remember. I hate how everyone thinks everyone else’s
Christmas is perfect, with everyone getting along, and having a good time. This
is all a load of crap anyway, Christmas is stressful for the calmest of people
let alone me! I also hate that on the TV there is so much emphasis on families.
I don't have one anymore, which is my own choice, but when it’s being forced
down my neck 24/7 it hits me how alone it am. I am really lucky in the great
friends that it have and it did have a good Christmas at my friends, being able
to do what we wanted rather than what was forced upon us, and it found out
Vegan "turkey" is actually really nice.
I personally don't believe in the religious side. Even though it was
forced to go to church for 27 years when I was at my parents, it haven't
believed in Christianity for a very long time. I know that to them and their
extended family and millions of people around the world this is a very
important part, just not to me. I will always associate it with being forced to
go for the family’s appearance, and how angry that made me at
them. I am not going into a huge religious debate as it don't think its appropriate
here, it think a lot of my issue with it is the forcing me to, rather than
allowing me to make my on decisions - taking that control away from me.
Christmas for me is a huge reminder how much control they had over me.
I also hate it now as the last time that my dad did what he
would do to me (still can’t actually write the word!) was over the Christmas
period 3 years ago, when I was on leave from the psychiatric unit where it was
an inpatient. The last time was New Year’s Day 2011. I will never be able to
forget it. I have said to a few people over the last few days that it wish that
it had been some random day as that might have been easier to forget, but to be
honest, it don’t think that it would ever forget it. When it write this it feel
that it should celebrate this rather than dread it, it was the end to the
physical pain and sexual abuse that had been happening since it was 5. However it
didn’t know that this would be the last time, it is only circumstances that
meant that it never happened again, and the emotional stuff carried on till
2011 when it got up the courage to say what had happened. It’s come out in
little bits, and is still coming out now 2 1/2 years later - it’s the only way it
feel safe to be able to talk.. So for me Christmas is full of bad memories,
fear, and loneliness even in a full room.
Well now it’s the New Year, and it have gotten through another year, it
have fought my demons and won the battle, but the war continues. I personally
can't look forward too much, that doesn't feel safe at all, but it do want this
year to be better, to be able to feel safe in my own flat, to be able to be
free. It know that’s not going to happen any time soon, if it does at all, it
just wish there is a magic wand :( I hate the idea of New Year resolutions
because so few people keep to them, and why can’t you decide things when you’re
ready (like I’m not giving up smoking yet! but when it do it can be then not
1st January!) but it have thought of a few things that it would like to change,
and that’s to try and put me first sometimes, and ask for the support it need.
(Plus the usual lose some weight that meds put on me, get fitter blah blah!)
Anyway it wish you all Happy New Year, and hope this year brings you all
that you desire.
xx
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