hey guys,
I went to my support
group last night, and we had a long talk about responsibility and
guilt, and we all pretty much felt the same. First thing I have to
say though is ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ANY OF IT, YOU CANNOT CONTROL
SOMEONE ELSE, IF YOU DIDN'T TALK AND IT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE THAT'S
THE ABUSERS RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS!!!
This is where I am a
complete hypocrite as I feel completely responsible for the risk of
the abusers I had hurting others. I have got better with my dad as I
did try and get justice and it was the CPS who decided not to take it
further, but I still worry to the point it makes me ill that he'll
hurt someone else. But my biggest guilt is around the ritualistic
abuse and the fact my brain wont tell me enough to know who the
abuser’s are, and I am completely convinced that I cannot of been
the only one,
its a horrible
feeling to have, the guilt that you think that you may have been able
to stop someone else suffering but my friends tell me (as I just cant
see it yet) that I was a child, programmed by my parents to keep
things secret and its never a child’s responsibility (or anyone who
is abused) to stop others hurting, they just have to do what they
have to do to get through and survive. For me this was dissociation
and “splitting (bad word for it but cant think of another one) into
my different parts.
I have to remember
that I have survived, I have survived seriously terrifying and
horrifying things that should happen to no one, but I have done it. I
struggle with it, and I still feel my parents have a lot of control
over me through their grooming of me. I just hope that one day that I
can truly break free from them, not just physically (Which is have)
but also repair all the stuff they have ingrained into my head so
that I can actually enjoy life. At the moment it just doesn’t seem
possible, I still feel that it was all my fault because I am
inherently evil and they were all just trying to make me good....what
they told me.
Children look to
adults, especially parents, for guidance and love and I didn’t get
that, I got narcissistic mother who wants to throw everything under
the carpet to make sure the world sees us as perfect family...in
other words so people see her as a perfect mother (so far from the
truth its ridiculous) and my dad sexually abused me or 20 + years,
but yet its my fault....writing that makes it seem what I think is
stupid. However i'm struggling to see it any other way, especially as
this way gives me some kinda of control over something that was
completely out of my control. Maybe this is why I struggle with using
food as a way of control...but that’s for another post.
Hope you all stay
safe, and this helps in some random way. Sorry
Lou
