Hey guys,
We are still out of
hospital :)
This blog is around
triggers, this is especially poignant for us at the moment, as one of
ours is loud bangs, something you cannot get away from at this time
of year...though hoping for a breather before new year!
Triggers affect many
people in different ways, and everyone has them, whether it makes
someone angry, sad or scared. For me, and I am guessing many people
with PTSD certain triggers take them back to a time when they were
not in control and a very scary time of their lives, the cause of
their PTSD.
PTSD affects many
people both from childhood trauma, being in front-line military to
seeing something horrific, and I am sure that I have forgotten other
causes.
The diagnostic criteria for PTSD (I have complex PTSD, which is slightly different)is as follows (paraphrased)
Criterion A:
stressor
The person was
exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious
injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence
Criterion B:
intrusion symptoms
including intrusive
flashbacks, memories, nightmares etc.
Criterion C:
avoidance
Criterion D:
negative alterations in cognitions and mood
negative emotions
related to event such as shame guilt anger to name a few
Criterion E:
alterations in arousal and reactivity
Irritable or
aggressive behaviour
Self-destructive or
reckless behaviour
Hypervigilance
Exaggerated startle
response
Problems in
concentration
Sleep disturbance
the biggest thing
that brings all these together is the reaction to triggers, it
relates all criteria B-E and I think I can see all of these in me.
Triggers are such a
difficult thing to deal with. Knowing when they are coming is one
thing but knowing what to do about it is another....avoidance (i.e.
criteria C) being the biggest one. However it is not always possible
to avoid triggers, and sometimes you don’t even know they are
coming.
I don't have the
answers, my usual response is to dissociate, whether it be amnesia or
within my system, and this for me is dangerous as this is when tend
to do my “risky” behaviour.
I did cut over the
weekend. Well when I said I cut Rachel did. (For those who don’t
know about my DID see here) it was her way of keeping control. The
pain inside is so immense, and the flashbacks so intense that as a
teenager she knows no other way to cope than to make the pain real.
The strange thing is it doesn’t hurt when we are actually doing it,
only after. I am not suggesting that people use self harm as a way
to cope as it is very damaging, but its my way at the moment. I think
self harm will have to be my next blog post! The banging of the
fireworks that were coming from everywhere even though the weather
was awful just sent us into sensory overdrive and reminded us of
certain things to do with our abuse. Things we hadn’t really
realised before.
That’s another
thing about triggers sometimes they come out of the blue, or you just
don’t understand (yet) why you react the way you do.
Sometimes you choose
to go somewhere that you know is going to trigger you, but for a
different reason, I think we mentioned about Elodie in my previous
post, she was a very good friend who recently died. Her funeral was a
trigger nightmare for us, because of the religious nature of our
abuse, and we were desperately trying to stay “present” for
Elodie, but found it so hard especially with the incense, something
that immediately takes us back to the satanic ritualistic abuse that
we suffered. But we, just about, did it. And it made us feel so proud
that we faced things such as entering a church for something we had
to do (say goodbye to Elodie) even though every bone of my body
didn't want to go anywhere near the church.
If anyone has any
ideas how we can cope with my too many to mention triggers please let
us know, because we cant cope with all the triggers this time of
year.
if you need help please look at Eastbourne Survivors Support Page
Sorry this is so
depressing.
Love
Luce xxx
