Sorry that it has been so long since I last was on here. I have spent more time in hospital this year than out of it, which has made keeping up with the blog quite difficult. I am out again, and planning on trying to stay out as long as I can.
I am waiting for my DID assessment with the psychologists. This is very nerve raking, but hopefully it will be soon now.
I have had many ideas for this post, but I am going to stick with breaking free. This post has come about as I have finally getting my possessions back from my parents, the last tie I had with them and from Wednesday night I hope to be free.
Getting these things (stuff I cant replace such as photos) is been really important to me and my parents have known this. They play mind games, and one of them is trying to asset some control over me. They know I don’t want anything to do with them once I get this stuff, and they are not happy with it. I can kinda understand this, I am their daughter and I am rejecting them, but for good reason with all the stuff that I have been through. They just don’t seem to get this. Anyway on Wednesday I hope there are no hitches and I can finally be free of them.
Breaking free is never easy, especially if the abuser is a care giver as in my case, but often its needed in order to start to process what has happened. This is just my opinion from my own experience. Whilst my parents still had control over me, which they did fr 27 years, I was unable to even tell anyone what was going on. I was really lucky and got my long term placement at Lavender, where I learnt to trust the staff and able to begin to open up. I know that this way is not possible for a lot of survivors, but there are plenty of ways, especially as adults to make one of the biggest choices and break free. This is in the media a lot with domestic violence, but is just as true for survivors. I know that a lot of people that I know the sexual may (not always) stop but the grooming and the emotional abuse will never stop, its the abusers way of getting control and also they're protective factor.
For me breaking free from my family back in 2011, was the best choice I have ever made. My parents used my mental health as a way to justify the huge control that they had over me, and now I am free of that and can become the person I was meant to be, rather than the person (ill) that they wanted. I have grown up and changed so much in the past 3 years, much more than I managed for a very long time.
I know that the church preaches that you should forgive, or in practice forgive and forget, and yes this works for some people...its there way to protect themselves, and if that works for them that is OK. But I don’t think that the church should be pushing this forgiveness stuff on people- its personal choice. Especially not of organisations, both the catholic and church of England, that he sat on abuse and protected the abusers...just look at the diocese of Chichester recently!!!
if you do decide to break free, you will almost certainly go through a grieving process, people who were (although mostly bad) part of your life, are suddenly not there. I know that I still have attachments to my parents, particularly my dad. But I know that this is the best decision I have made. I do occasionally miss them. But I think I don’t miss them, I miss the healthy bond that was meant to be there, and that I do not have...hope that makes sense. I know that the road ahead is going to be hard, I was abused by my dad for 22 years from the age of 5, as well as being subjected to Satanic Ritualistic Abuse. However from Wednesday I will be free of the control freaks, and be myself!!!
It may It will be strange, and unknown, but you will be free of the abuse and be able to rebuild your life how YOU want it
I hope that this post isn’t too pushy. Whatever coping mechanisms work for you now are needed for a reason, such as me and my dissociation and cutting, but maybe in the future I will be able to use more healthy ways to cope with my past. Its my past and I am never going to be able to change it, and its made me me, but now I can shape my own future!
EDIT: i have my stuff and am waiting for the official documentation for my change of name!!