control

Hey guys,

This kind of follows on from me previous post, and has become so important to me because of the way my parents have manipulated people into giving them details on me. 

One thing that is the same across all different types of abuse and even beyond abuse in some situations is control. It is the "thing" that the perpetrators’ are wanting, sexual abuse isn’t about the sex it’s about having control over their victim, and the same for other types of abuse, or even bullying etc. 

My parents were always very controlling of me. Looking back now it feels that I never really had the freedom that any person should have. I will give you a couple of quick examples; when I was 17 and choosing which degree that I wanted to do at uni, I had changed my mind and so had changed what I had applied for (to Sociology and History from English and History) when my mum found out she went crazy as it’s not what she wanted me to do; the other example is that when I moved into my first flat down south my dad put parental control on my computer so that I couldn’t go on amazon etc., i was 26! These are just two examples, although trivial ones, of where i feel that my parents tried to control me more than they had a right to. I am my own person and feel that I should be able to make my own decisions’ whether they are right or wrong. After all the only real way to learn is to make mistakes.

I am sure that they would defend themselves by saying that they would only want what is best for me (?!?) and were trying to help. However they had control over me, I was forever trying to live up to their expectations, which in themselves were very mixed up, depending on how they wanted to be seen, although always to look the perfect parents, whether I had to be a great student (when it was doing my MA that fell into that) or the carer that puts themselves out (with my "illness" but of cause parts of it had to be hidden, such as my self -harm). None of it, of cause, was the truth...that the control that they exercised over me was more than a normal parent, and in abnormal abusive ways, and I learned to keep quiet, but no more.

When I made the decision to tell, say what had been really going on, I was trying to break that control, take my life back for me. It took a lot of trust in those I was talking to at Lavender, as I had been quietened so often by my parents becoming too involved so that I wouldn't be believed, but I had finally found somewhere that I was safe, and could talk. Through talking about the abuse I have been able to take a lot of the control back from them.

However they still try and control me, even though they cannot do it directly any more. My mum won't give up the role of Nearest Relative (A legal role should I ever be sectioned again) even though she cannot comment on my mental health as I have no contact and will have no contact with them. They also continue to hold some sentimental items "hostage", probably because they know that I want them....they are not willing to realise that I want, and deserve, control over my life, I want to be free, a Survivor away from all the maladaptive and very damaging control they have had over me.

I wish it was all simple, but it’s not, I am not free of them as I wish to be, their "programming" of me, and how I should present them, continues to plague me. The way that they made me feel about myself continues, and I still see myself as evil and obviously wanting what they were doing to me. In my head I am not free, but one day I hope to be completely free inside and out of their devastating influences over me.