I was hoping to write this over the holiday period, but it was struggling too much to put two words together, let alone a whole post - it was all too raw at the time. I am still struggling, but at least now it don't have the added pressure of the forced jollity on me!!!!
I have always hated Christmas. I don't know maybe it enjoyed it when it was little, but it don't really remember. I hate how everyone thinks everyone else’s Christmas is perfect, with everyone getting along, and having a good time. This is all a load of crap anyway, Christmas is stressful for the calmest of people let alone me! I also hate that on the TV there is so much emphasis on families. I don't have one anymore, which is my own choice, but when it’s being forced down my neck 24/7 it hits me how alone it am. I am really lucky in the great friends that it have and it did have a good Christmas at my friends, being able to do what we wanted rather than what was forced upon us, and it found out Vegan "turkey" is actually really nice.
I personally don't believe in the religious side. Even though it was forced to go to church for 27 years when I was at my parents, it haven't believed in Christianity for a very long time. I know that to them and their extended family and millions of people around the world this is a very important part, just not to me. I will always associate it with being forced to go for the family’s appearance, and how angry that made me at them. I am not going into a huge religious debate as it don't think its appropriate here, it think a lot of my issue with it is the forcing me to, rather than allowing me to make my on decisions - taking that control away from me. Christmas for me is a huge reminder how much control they had over me.
I also hate it now as the last time that my dad did what he would do to me (still can’t actually write the word!) was over the Christmas period 3 years ago, when I was on leave from the psychiatric unit where it was an inpatient. The last time was New Year’s Day 2011. I will never be able to forget it. I have said to a few people over the last few days that it wish that it had been some random day as that might have been easier to forget, but to be honest, it don’t think that it would ever forget it. When it write this it feel that it should celebrate this rather than dread it, it was the end to the physical pain and sexual abuse that had been happening since it was 5. However it didn’t know that this would be the last time, it is only circumstances that meant that it never happened again, and the emotional stuff carried on till 2011 when it got up the courage to say what had happened. It’s come out in little bits, and is still coming out now 2 1/2 years later - it’s the only way it feel safe to be able to talk.. So for me Christmas is full of bad memories, fear, and loneliness even in a full room.
Well now it’s the New Year, and it have gotten through another year, it have fought my demons and won the battle, but the war continues. I personally can't look forward too much, that doesn't feel safe at all, but it do want this year to be better, to be able to feel safe in my own flat, to be able to be free. It know that’s not going to happen any time soon, if it does at all, it just wish there is a magic wand :( I hate the idea of New Year resolutions because so few people keep to them, and why can’t you decide things when you’re ready (like I’m not giving up smoking yet! but when it do it can be then not 1st January!) but it have thought of a few things that it would like to change, and that’s to try and put me first sometimes, and ask for the support it need. (Plus the usual lose some weight that meds put on me, get fitter blah blah!)
Anyway it wish you all Happy New Year, and hope this year brings you all that you desire.