hi guys,
I know
that I said I would update this blog more but things have over taken
a little...quick update, I was sectioned (on a2) 3 weeks ago and
although off section now I am still in hospital for another week. The
chronic lack of sleep left me with no energy to fight Jenny's
reaction to the reply to the email to my dad (see previous post)
which left her feeling very very unsafe and hurting too much to cope,
also amount of lack of sleep meant that I started hallucinating very
very badly. I am sleeping in hospital with the help of a strong
sleeper that I am not sure that they will give when I leave...so who
knows! I am much much better than I was, I am trying very hard to
make everything (well as much as I can) better. I am going out and
going home every day so I can get used to it again. The long term
plan is to move me to somewhere with night time support but this is
going to take a little time.
I went
to my local survivors group on Tuesday and something that I brought
up that has been bothering me for a long time has made me decide to
devote this post to it.
I HATE
my body I hate feeling any part of it and it stresses me out and
freaks me out to the point of body memories where the control is
taken away and I am back in that really horrible place of years ago.
This distress me a lot so I (as much as I really can) live in my
head. For a lot of people I think that the opposite is true and
neither is that healthy.
My head
isn’t a nice place to be, I struggle with my anxiety with the
depression and thoughts...how I hate thoughts...and the alters that
can take over and can be very dangerous or vindictive against all of
us. I live in my head because its the lesser of two evils.
In
therapy we have been trying to do a lot about grounding, but so much
of the time this involves feeling your body, whether it be breathing,
or feeling your feet on the floor. I know this works for a lot of
people, and it helps them stay in the here and now, but for me, right
now, it takes me back to a time when I was really badly hurt, not
just physically and sexually but also emotionally. I will give you a
quick example, regulating and mindfully thinking about breathing is
used a lot in anxiety and also in keeping you here. It freaks the
hell out of me, and there is a reason for this, during the abuse that
I have suffered I was suffocated (to point of passing out no further)
and breathing reminds me of how hard it was. Doesn’t help that I
badly struggled with my breathing when I came off the ventilator in
ICU after the fire...so concentrating on it just is too much of a
reminder so freak and go back. Even writing this is so so hard as I
am fighting the huge panic!!!! We have gone back to even smaller
steps to try and allow me to feel my body and no freak (using little
finger and switching between that and a physical anchor such as a
picture) its really hard but I am getting there slowly.
I think
part of the problem is I completely fear my body...it let me down, it
let the abuse (including ritualistic) happen and that’s not
safe...if I feel it will it let me down again??? will it just
continually take me to places I don’t want to go to? Will it not
let me live in the present???
People
can get so much pleasure from their bodies, not just sexually, but
different textures, a simple hug, and I don’t get that. I wish I
could, and don’t know how to make it safe enough.
Living
in my head is horrible, and I wish that I could share the burden with
the whole of me, but right now that’s not an option its just not
safe!
huggles
lou
