Hey
guys,
Well
I am back in hospital :( I am not sure when I can put this up as have
no internet at the moment. But oh well, at least I have my laptop and
can type away!
My
mood is so low and this is why I was admitted, everything is so
chaotic in my head, they are having arguments between themselves
about what we should do...many of us are quite suicidal at the
moment. I also have a “mini dad” screaming in my head about how
Evil I am (nothing unusual there and I already know that I don’t
need reminding ever two seconds) the new thing with him is that
evilness is now on a continuum and the fact I am trying to eat and
drink is making me more evil. OK I know that none of this is making
any sense to anyone else, but in my mind we are a complete mess.
I
have just gone back on antidepressant as everyone agreed that
something needed to be done, but its going to take a while to get
back up to the dose that I was on 3 months ago when I came off it and
then for it to work. I honestly don’t know how much I can take. Its
going to be a slow recovery this time, or at least it feels like it.
I usually bounce back quite quickly, but I frankly don’t feel any
better than I did when I came in here. Being in an acute mental
health unit, and especially this one, has no therapeutic value for
me, its no ones fault just that the staff aren’t trained in what I
need. The other thing that is happening that is hopefully going to
get me out of this cycle of being in and out of hospital is that I
have been referred to the complex trauma team within the trust and
they have a specialist in abuse and DID, so hopefully this referral
comes through quite quickly as I need this support in order to move
on with my life.
The
unit is so changeable and sometimes it feels like that you have to be
acting out to get any support as everyone is so busy, but that is
probably my own perception and lack of confidence in seeking out for
support at times when I am acutely distressed. I have my own little
system to get support when I am able to put it in place (kinda
depends on staff etc.) where I hand in a note. I find writing, as I
have said many times before, so much easier than just talking. This
is particularly at the moment where there just aren’t the words to
speak what’s in my head.
Life
is so hard right now. Everyone can see a little light, and at my
slightly better moments I can, especially with the referral. But most
of the time my life is dark, quite literally as needing to hide so
not only have my hood up I keep putting my hair over my face
(especially my eyes for some reason). It feels so much safer, I think
because no one can see how vulnerable I am right now. When that
happens bad things happen.
I am
desperately trying to write this as just me, Lou, as then it can be
slightly more coherent (not totally though as both I never am and I
am just so exhausted!!) but its hard with everyone trying to take
control.
Luce
xxx (sat 12th July 2014)
UPDATE
well
its now 18th July, and I am still in hospital. Things have
slightly improved after starting the trazadone (antidepressant), and
I get bits of feeling kinda OK (not brill but OK) but these are only
bits, and it feels like someone has given me a cake, I've taken one
bite and then they have snatched it away. Makes the dark times seem
even worse and on my own. Ffs I am in a hospital full of people yet I
feel completely alone at the moment.
Today
is one of the bad days, even though its so hot and clammy up on the
ward I am wearing my hoodie, and hoping like mad that I wont pass
out. I feel physically not too good either, which I think is just
because I am tired. I am sleeping better but yet I feel even more
exhausted than ever which I just don't understand.
I am
so close to bursting into tears. I hate crying. I hate feeling out of
control as that’s when I am at my most risky as just cant cope with
it, I don’t know if I am completely weird for that. But being out
of control for me just reminds me that when I was a child I was never
in control of my body. He had that, and that’s why my body isn't
mine. I lost that a long time ago, its been taken, hurt and abused to
the point it doesn’t belong to me any more.
As
you can probably tell I am not in a great space. But too scared to
talk to the staff as they are busy, and I am meant to be OK in the
morning.
Hope
that the next post is slightly more positive!!!
Luce
xxx
