labels

Hey guys

　

I thought that I would write a post about labels. Sometimes these labels can be good, other times they have such a stigma that the way that people treat you is not very nice.

　

Mental Health itself has a huge stigma against it, especially compared to mental health, people think that others can "pull themselves" out of depression, or are not "trying hard enough" to ignore the voices they hear. Mental illness is just that an illness, such as any other illness or condition. You wouldn't tell someone with appendicitis that lying in bed isn't doing them any good, so why do people say things to people who are suffering from Mental Health Conditions????

　

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The stigma that this group often finds is from the health professionals themselves. People assume the self injury is "attention seeking" and anything that they might say is "manipulative". One person with BPD is very different from an other, like any other illness, but people see this particular diagnosis and believe that this is what sufferers are like!

　

75% of BPD sufferers have had an abusive upbringing, including myself. some professionals think that another way of saying BPD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even though they are different type of illness. what’s probably more true is some people supposedly with BPD actually have C-PTSD!

　

I am no way saying that I never had BPD, because my life before lavender was extremely chaotic, I was very angry that I tried not to let out, but it spilt out, terrified of rejection to the point it was safer to reject first and so on. I was a typical BPD. However now, since I have been able to speak about the true problem (my abuse) I no longer feel that I am BPD, but trying to get this off my current record is seeming to be quite difficult, even though I know that people who are involved in my care agree with me.

　

writing this it seems that I am conflicted, not over my current diagnosis, but having the BPD on my record, because of its stigma, yet I want to fight this stigma.

　

Different people think differently to labels. some find them helpful – helpful that they know what’s wrong with them. some find them unhelpful, and I think (well for me) because of the stigma.

　

when I was originally diagnosed back in 2002 I was pleased that I knew what was wrong, I could research it and find out what can make things better, such as DBT or STEPPS. But I have become more and more disillusioned with it over the years because of the way that I have been treated. treated that everything I　have done was because I was "attention seeking". Attention seeking is used bad thing, yet everyone needs attention, and if your not getting it in the right way then you going to have to seek it in other ways.

　

My dad, after my parents found out my diagnosis, searched online, and then used it against me. everything I did was because he felt I wasn't the "centre attention" I HATE BEING THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION I did the self harm, the overdose, the going up to Beachy Head because I was distressed and HE caused that distress!!! Sometimes I can rationalise it, knowing that if he could make everyone see me as how he wanted them to see me as then people wouldn't believe me when I started to speak the truth! But that doesn't stop the hurt that the acquisitions he threw at me hurt. he knew I was hurting but wanted to save his own skin! I think this is the reason　that I hate the diagnosis so much.

　

Diagnosis (Labels) aren't everything about a person, whether they are physical or mental　health a person is them!

control

Hey guys,

This kind of follows on from me previous post, and has become so important to me because of the way my parents have manipulated people into giving them details on me. 

One thing that is the same across all different types of abuse and even beyond abuse in some situations is control. It is the "thing" that the perpetrators’ are wanting, sexual abuse isn’t about the sex it’s about having control over their victim, and the same for other types of abuse, or even bullying etc. 

My parents were always very controlling of me. Looking back now it feels that I never really had the freedom that any person should have. I will give you a couple of quick examples; when I was 17 and choosing which degree that I wanted to do at uni, I had changed my mind and so had changed what I had applied for (to Sociology and History from English and History) when my mum found out she went crazy as it’s not what she wanted me to do; the other example is that when I moved into my first flat down south my dad put parental control on my computer so that I couldn’t go on amazon etc., i was 26! These are just two examples, although trivial ones, of where i feel that my parents tried to control me more than they had a right to. I am my own person and feel that I should be able to make my own decisions’ whether they are right or wrong. After all the only real way to learn is to make mistakes.

I am sure that they would defend themselves by saying that they would only want what is best for me (?!?) and were trying to help. However they had control over me, I was forever trying to live up to their expectations, which in themselves were very mixed up, depending on how they wanted to be seen, although always to look the perfect parents, whether I had to be a great student (when it was doing my MA that fell into that) or the carer that puts themselves out (with my "illness" but of cause parts of it had to be hidden, such as my self -harm). None of it, of cause, was the truth...that the control that they exercised over me was more than a normal parent, and in abnormal abusive ways, and I learned to keep quiet, but no more.

When I made the decision to tell, say what had been really going on, I was trying to break that control, take my life back for me. It took a lot of trust in those I was talking to at Lavender, as I had been quietened so often by my parents becoming too involved so that I wouldn't be believed, but I had finally found somewhere that I was safe, and could talk. Through talking about the abuse I have been able to take a lot of the control back from them.

However they still try and control me, even though they cannot do it directly any more. My mum won't give up the role of Nearest Relative (A legal role should I ever be sectioned again) even though she cannot comment on my mental health as I have no contact and will have no contact with them. They also continue to hold some sentimental items "hostage", probably because they know that I want them....they are not willing to realise that I want, and deserve, control over my life, I want to be free, a Survivor away from all the maladaptive and very damaging control they have had over me.

I wish it was all simple, but it’s not, I am not free of them as I wish to be, their "programming" of me, and how I should present them, continues to plague me. The way that they made me feel about myself continues, and I still see myself as evil and obviously wanting what they were doing to me. In my head I am not free, but one day I hope to be completely free inside and out of their devastating influences over me.

will i always have to run?

Hi guys,

A couple of weeks ago I found out that my aunty had given my parents my address. This I have found so scary. I am not blaming my aunty, I know how manipulative my parents are, but it has left me in a position where i feel even less safe in my flat. I know that they are not likely to just turn up, they are much more likely to write or ring me, but that doesn’t take away the fear, i want to move again, but will I have to just be on the run every time they find out (and I am sure they will). This has lead me to thinking about a lot of stuff from my past and how I have been trying to run away from them for all of my life.

As I have said before my childhood was not the happiest, it was extremely abusive from both parents (sexually with my dad and emotionally with mum), I hated being at home and would do anything I could do to not be. I would go to school when I was ill. I remember when I was 17 I had been in hospital for 5 days and made myself go to school the next day so I wasn’t at home (I had my A' Levels coming up, a very good excuse!) and I often felt like running away from home. 

I studied hard at school to get into uni. Going to uni was my escape. In some ways I didn’t care where I went and what I studied as long as I wasn’t at home. It was my chance of freedom...or so I thought. The abuse continued while I was at uni. 

When I was in my second year I met my ex. in some ways this was the happiest time of my life. Although he made me change, I wasn’t allowed to be unhappy/upset etc. etc. etc., but he left me alone. Kev was my chance to escape. I would have tried to change my whole personality to be with him, but, if I am honest, it was to get away from them more than wanting to make Kev happy. This is something that I have only just allowed myself to realise. I did love Kev, but he was also really bad for me. After we split, everything started again. I stayed in north wales for a while, but being so isolated meant that my mental health got worse and I ended up living back at my parents (where it continued to worsen) something I promised myself I would never do.

But, it’s not just the physical running away I did, I ran away in my mind. I managed to not be here when physically I am, it makes me safe, away from the nasty horrible stuff, the painful stuff. Not just the sexual abuse by both my dad and the group of men, but as much as I could I hid away in my mind. It’s called dissociation, and the easiest way that I can describe it is I loose hours at a time, when I can appear like any other member of society but me, my soul is hiding away.

I also have different personalities where my mind has split, they are different ages, different sexes, I don’t really know how to describe it, but if you search for multiplicity me on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/user/MultiplicityAndMe) she explains it very well.

This all used to be useful, more than useful a survival tactic, but now it’s dangerous for me. I am more likely to self-harm when I am dissociating, the whole thought process from deciding to cut to completing the act I am not aware of, the last few overdoses I have not been aware of. No longer is it a safety mechanism. But I still use it day after day to run away from the crap my parents have left in my head.

Will I ever be able to run away from them? No. if I do manage it physically, they have left scars in my mind, and that’s meant that I have left scars across my body.