me right now

Hi guys,

Well I am out of the acute system :) I am currently at the Sanctuary, which is a house where people who need to be away from home, but don't need hospital admission come, and like me some come directly from hospital. I have got my date to move into the shared house, so things should be all positive, but it seems like life doesn’t work like this! Today I have had a good day as I met a friend for lunch and a bit of shopping, but I am struggling, if I am honest really struggling, and this post instead of being a more reflective one, is how I am thinking at the moment. It probably wont be as structured etc. as most of mine, but this is what I need to do right now...so I hope you guys don’t mind :)

I think that everyone has disordered thinking to some degree, and it affects people differently depending on their mental state (which fluctuates for everyone).

My thinking for me gets me into a lot of trouble, not trouble in the police type of sense, but trouble for me and my mental health and behaviour. Thoughts start to roll, and one goes into the next and so on. For me these thoughts are not particularly nice ones, and they get worse as they roll into one and another one etc. This is when I get overwhelmed and can dissociate (see my post here).

One of my big ones for me is that I am evil. This is one of my core beliefs, and I find it very difficult to see any other way when I am any of me. However if I am looking at myself as someone else I can see how this has come about and how its at least questionable. My abuser told me that I was evil and that why he did what he did to me, and why he took me to the group of men (ritualistic sexual abuse). I have completely taken this on board and everything that I do I see as a reason that I am evil. For example if I say something to someone that upsets them, even though I didn’t mean to, this is because I am evil. As an “outside person” I can see how my belief has come about and that as a 5 year old you take what adults say as face value, especially parents, and as it was repeated to me, even on a daily basis, you do come to believe it. The nearest that I have got to questioning this myself is with my psychologist at Lavender, who made me (kind of) realise that someone who is evil doesn’t worry about it, yet I do, a lot! This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, and for that I am sorry. I am trying to write this as objectively as I can, but hard when a core belief that you have is one that no one else believes, and even you wouldn’t believe them if it was someone else, but to you rules your life.

I am sure that I have mentioned triggers before. But not only do I have external triggers I have internal ones too. In that I mean that one thought that leads to another, can, and often does lead to flashbacks, as the thought has reminded me of something in the past. I can go from something as simple as “I’m feeling quite low” to thinking about why I am feeling low and although I have had no external trigger my mind has gone back, back to a place that I never ever want to go to again. But it feels like I am never ever going to get away.

The consultant at the hospital told me I just had to forget my past, as if it was that simple! Things like the previous two paragraphs are why this isn't so simple. It feels to me like she was dismissing what I had experienced, as if something that most people would just deal with. I would like to know who could deal with years and years (20+) of abuse by their dad and Satanic Ritualistic Abuse when they were a child and just forget it. Sorry as you can tell my head is all over the place today, which is why I don’t usually write posts when I am in this mood, as it gets all emotional...hence me sitting writing this in tears.

That is another thing I find so difficult, crying. For many it may seem a release, and that lack of control that comes with it is good. For me it terrifies me, with all the rolling thoughts and the flashbacks that I have been getting this evening especially, its like that control has completely gone. And now I am crying I have lost it all. Being able to appear “normal” whatever that is, when inside I am falling apart is one of my ways of coping, as so scared of being hurt again, as when your feeling so vulnerable, that’s when the biggest risk of being hurt is, or that is my experience!

Certain times of day are worst for me, and as you can probably tell that now is one of them. Something someone one said has stuck with me, that my body remembers the “risky” times (i.e. like now bed time) and that is when my mood drops (it starts around 3:30...after school) even further. Does this make sense to anyone else?

I haven't self harmed in 6 weeks, for me this is a long time, and although its all building up, especially with talking in recent times about the SRA, and literally while I have been admitted about the DID, this is probably understandable. I have no intention of self harming whilst I am here, and I know that I wont, because that's the rules. But I guess the last few paragraphs, me crying etc. is because I haven’t self harmed and made all the feelings go away. This right now doesn’t feel very nice, anything but nice, but that explains a lot.

I am really really sorry that this is so jumbled. But I thought that I could trust people who read this that it would be OK to write a post in one go (which I very rarely do) and one that’s truly from my heart right now.

Luce xxx